But you don’t want to write about your recent miscarriage or your son’s disabilities.
You don’t even want to write about Elias’s smile or his favorite new expression, “Mommy want to…. (Fill in the blank)” Mommy
want to pick that up. Mommy want to close that. Mommy want to help
Yias. Mommy want to get that. Mommy want to be right here…
That’s your favorite. Mommy want to be right here. And you do.
Most of the time.
But if you’re really honest there are times you don’t. You don’t want to clean the chicken pot pie from his hands. You don’t want to help him stand up. You don’t want to play another game of “dead end”--you know, where you butt-scoot around the living-room and behind the rocking chair where you both exclaim, “Dead end, we hit a dead end,” then you put it in reverse, making sure to make the sounds of a truck backing up, and you do it again and again and again.
You don’t want to change another soiled diaper, read Good Night Moon for the billionth time, or try to decipher another freakin’ diagnosis—Optic Nerve Hypoplasia?!?!
(Oh, just add it to the list.)
You just want a moment.
You want to be eight again, running out the backdoor to meet your friends for a Saturday morning game of Kick the Can. You want to feed leaves to the gorilla that lived in the heating vent by the library. You want to climb the rope ladder in the giant willow tree in your back yard and hang upside down by your knees.
You don’t want to be a grown-up anymore.
But you can’t return to your childhood home. Your parents don’t even live there anymore. And last year, the school cut your Willow tree down. Something about old age, they said, and roots.
Besides, your son keeps saying, "Mommy want to be right here... Mommy want to help Elias,” and the thing is, you do.
“What do you want?” you ask him, as you gently touch the tip of his nose with your finger.
“Want Craisins,” he says, “Want animal crackers.”
“Which one?” You ask.
“Want both,” he answers, “Want both.”
Want both.....You understand.
--Excerpted from Following Elias, originally published on Parents.com. Copyright 2009 by Meredith Corporation. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.