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Honestly that part always gleams through without you specifying it much - which is sort of exactly your point :).

Too funny about Elias and the wine!

So glad you and Nick have each other!!! The right partner is key to surviving everything life throws at you. Wish you had more time just the two if you but that is hard to come by. Glad you can maintain the connection when things get crazy.

I keep reading though I have not been commenting often anymore - my life is full of different challenges, with a mostly non-verbal 9 yo with autism. I am curious though about the 8 out of 10 marriages - do you happen to have a source? I've heard similar but never been able to track it down. I am not sure some days how we keep going - but we're coming up on 25 years anyway. It definitely takes a lot more work with our precious Robbie, but we're worth it.

Nothing thoughtful to add, just this: If you set up a wine stand on my corner, I will definitely be your best customer! Particularly on Friday afternoons, leaving my public school job to go home to my "second job" of Mommy/housekeeper all weekend!

Elias seems literal.
Literally literal ...

You say - "It hurts"
He responds "No it doesn't"

He is right - It ...
I-T ... doesn't hurt.

Christy is right
It - the pain,
something different than Elias' "It" - hurts

Elias is stating a fact ...
Christy is stating a fact
Both are stating facts .. hence an argument happens …

Elias is not arguing to argue.
He is defending his "It"

Pronouns suck. Exactly what is his "It" ???

Alas ... I am curious what happens without pronoun use …
and what he defines as "It"

Why does Elias hit Olive with his cane?
To get a response.
He wants her to respond.

Ask: Elias, what is your, Elias’ purpose of:
Raising cane =
Lowering cane=
Swinging cane=
Hit Olive in head with cane =

Does his answer = cause and effect


what happened before you raised your cane
during the cane's movement and
after the cane landed on Olive.

Are his answers different between the two groups … does he become frustrated at one cluster of questions and not the other … His answer might be simple …
And, it might be discerned he hits olive for cause (hit)
and effect (so she will stop doing something, or so you will come back into the room)

Cause and effect. You and I learned cause and effect differently.

He played successfully with Olive in your living room, creating a maze, or fort with pillows ...

The next time couch-cushion-play was attempted, "it" was not duplicated because a piece of paper, or a new variable or variables were introduced

Author Temple Grandin - ... Any variation causes stress ... ANY variation .. including something as simple as one piece of paper ...

Teach Elias as one would teach a service dog how to cross an intersection ...
No, your child is not being equated to a dog …
The lesson, to be learned must be taught
over and over again at different intersections,
because of subtle, multiple variations (variables) ...
different crosswalk paint, different width,
different road surfaces, different widths,
different shadows, different people,
different bugs, different weather … etc ...
Temple Grandin is a literal genius.

Does Elias learn in patterns?
Once information for situation A is stored,
It will not necessarily be applied to situation B

For it to be applied to other, settings and situations, it must be taught ... again and again in situation B, C, D, E ...

Your son's homework assignment ---
How did Elias know the main character ... John told me ...
Literally, Elias knew because John told him.
My brain does not see how he could have answered this question differently.
Elias' brain does not see how he could have answered this question differently. Christy's brain says there are many ways to have answered the question …

As Temple Grandin wrote,
Never use absolute rules ... absolute rules Never work

Never rules cause stress ...
Never means never ... never tell a lie ... he will not lie ...

Normies understand, can see, subtle, implied, inferred "things"

When you told Elias he might be teased for possessing a pink lunch box,
that was perfectly genius, on your part. Seriously.
He does not like to be teased.
NOBODY liked to be teased or disliked.
Alas, you said the pink lunch box would equate to teasing …
alas, he understood
pink = teasing
teasing = bad
pink = bad

So, he knew to pick another color to avoid being teased-because-of-a-pink-lunch-box … He thus avoided one situation …. Teased-because-of-a-pink-lunch-box … that shows he is very smart ... he reversed the logic, and chose something which did not equate to teasing ...

Your son is incredibly SMART ... a blind, premie with CP has learned ... figured out ... learned how to WALK ... amazingly brilliant ...

Autistic Autism, I just finished reading your comment twice and will re-read it to Nick later and again for myself because you are brilliant. Thank you for taking the time to explain your perspective on Elias's worldview. He is literal and I am emotional. I often over-talk in my attempts to have him see my view of the situation. Thank you for reminding me to stick to the concrete with my questions. And for teaching me about pronouns; the editor in me catches them in my writing and will try to replace pronouns with more accurate words for more vivid description, but I use them all the time in my speech and have never thought about Elias's comprehension of these vague little words. I'm awed by your understanding. Thank you!

Tracy, I don't have a source but have read and heard that stat. numerous times, yet when I tried to find it I found this interesting article: http://www.kennedykrieger.org/overview/news/80-percent-autism-divorce-rate-debunked-first-its-kind-scientific-study

So maybe the odds aren't so bad:) Though the stress is real.

Lisa, I'm right there with you, drinking a hard cider as I write.

Thank you Sara and Kate and all my readers for your ongoing support. Happy Friday all:)

Oh and sorry about the hard-to-read words you have to type in order to comment. (It took me two tries to get the last one.) I've just been bombarded by spam comments lately so need an extra step for a bit.

thanks for answering! I do think the stress of raising special needs children is very high, but I do hope the odds are lower for divorce. K and I are both committed to our marriage but I do know that it got a lot harder after Robbie's autism became apparent. We just keep working at it.

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