It begins and ends with blood.
Cramps, intense cramps, my OB tells me just to take it easy, she’s hopeful that I’m passing the lining from my right uterus and that the baby is still safe in my left, if it gets worse head to the emergency room she says but hopefully you can make it through the night until your morning appointment with the perinatologist.
For weeks we’ve been looking forward to our 9:00 am appointment on January 4th. I compile a list of questions, research cerclages, bed-rest, uterus didelphys, and baby development. I learn that we might even find out if it’s a boy or a girl.
1:00 am. January 4th I can’t sleep. The cramps increase. More blood. I wake Nick to tell him I need to go the hospital. We don’t want to wake Elias so Nick stays home and I drive myself to the emergency room. One hell of a ride.
Doesn’t anyone else get that this is a freakin’ emergency??!!!!! I don’t care if these other folks are injured or sick, I may be losing a life!!!!! I don’t say this of course, I even politely excuse myself to throw up in the bathroom instead of on the waiting room floor as I wait over two hours for someone to see me, sitting in an uncomfortable chair half watching a movie about the aftermath of a football team killed in a plane crash, half staring at the other folks waiting, wondering if they can tell that I’m pregnant and in pain.
The cramps and bleeding subside. I almost leave and return home but a bearded man in blue scrubs calls my name and I follow him back to an empty room where I wait for 45 minutes for the doctor to come, a young man, with sensitive eyes, who explains everything before touching me, who tells me that though he cant find a heart beat it doesn’t mean its not there, that though I show signs of miscarriage it doesn’t mean that I have, who looks at my two cervixes and tells me the right one is bleeding—the RIGHT ONE—and I think maybe, just maybe, everything is gonna be alright.
I arrive home at 5:00 and pretend to sleep till 7:30 when I rise to prepare for our appointment. Scared. Hopeful.
The ultrasound tech turns on the machine and I stare at the screen on the wall as he locates the baby. Nick watches the tech’s face. Nick knows before I do. I’m relieved to see the baby. I even think I see it kick. “Can you tell yet if the baby has a heartbeat?” I ask the tech, still watching the screen. “I’m sorry, mam,” he says as he shakes his head no.
“Want to see mommy, “ Elias says as I sob in the ultrasound chair, waiting for the doctor who delivered Elias to come into the room “Want to see Mommy.” “Mommy’s hurting,” Nick says. I scoop up Elias, he gives me a gentle kiss, and says, “Mommy’s better now.”
“This is not because of your two uteri,” the doctor says and I don’t know whether to feel relived that the loss is not due to my anatomy or pissed off that I have to experience an additional complication. A miscarriage. Just because. Because 15 to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and usually during the first trimester, but hell that means that 75 to 85% do not and why, why, after everything else, couldn’t I fall into that category? Where is the sense of fairness in all of this? Who creates these odds? We schedule a D&C for the next day.
I lay in bed with Tonsina who nips at me wanting attention, wanting to play, until he sees my tears and stops. He gives me a compassionate look, gently licks my nose, and curls up next to me to wait it out.
To be continued.
--Excerpted from Following Elias, originally published on Parents.com. Copyright 2009 by Meredith Corporation. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.
Noel Dennehy wrote:
Christy,
Sometimes you write way too well, I am crying so hard after reading your latest blog.
Now, I wish you lived closer so that we could wrap our arms around you, though we have never met. Loss is just way too hard no matter what form it takes. You have a fabulous family and what I am alway amazed at is how many others are also touched by your story- you have touched so many but all of us feel your pain at this sad time.
Love you and your special family,
Noel
1/7/2008 9:06 PM CST
Special Needs Mama wrote:
This is profound and beautiful and achingly sad. I am thinking of you.
1/7/2008 9:30 PM CST
gators14112 wrote:
Christy,
I am so sorry. I know that doesn't help ease the pain, but my heart breaks for you. I wish there was something to say that would make this easier, but there isn't. Please know you're in my thoughts!!
Vicki
1/7/2008 9:41 PM CST
Garrison'smommy wrote:
I wept tears of joy when Kathy told me you were expecting and I wept again when I read your post Loss. I know how you must want to scream and yell and say: THIS IS NOT FAIR! I totally get that-do it and don't be afraid to let it all out...It will make you all the more stronger to face what life has in store for you next. I am holding you in my thoughts as you continue to heal.
Jill
1/7/2008 9:42 PM CST
AngieinNYC wrote:
I'm so glad you have Nick and Elias at your side, not to mention wise, wise Tonsina... Dog spelled backwards is God. (As much as I love that sentiment, I promise not to embroider it onto a fugly throw pillow for you.)
You are not alone. It is our privilege to read this catharsis. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
1/7/2008 10:07 PM CST
divaughn765607 wrote:
I am so very, very sorry, Christy. I'm so glad you have Elias to make you better. Boys are awesome that way. Huge {{{hugs}}} from another preemie mom...
1/8/2008 12:31 AM CST
Nelba wrote:
I am so sorry!
Nelba
1/8/2008 6:11 AM CST
Not That You Asked... wrote:
Christy, I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I've been there, too, and it is a craptastic place to be. (And that's putting it mildly.) Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
1/8/2008 8:26 AM CST
Kaily&Dorothysmom wrote:
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious one. Our first loss was so devastating I didn't think I would ever be the same. And, you know, parts of me are still changed forever. We lost another one on Christmas Eve. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to email me. For me, it helps to talk to people who have been there. Know you are loved and thought of. Take care of yourself and give yourself the freedom to feel.
1/8/2008 9:02 AM CST
loreleismama wrote:
I am so sorry. I hate that the ER made you wait. When I had my first loss the ER told me "well you can wait, but you do know there is nothing we can do." I just about jumped across the counter at the woman.
That33Girl wrote:
Christy,
I am so sorry. The empty space where hope should be is the space most impossible to bear. Fill it with grief and sorrow, guilt and anger, rage and pain until you are done and then give yourself love and joy and peace and the seed of hope for a better outcome next time.
Dont forget how incredibly strong and wonderful you were in the past - you can be that person again.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do and of course you can email me.
Love, Kate
1/8/2008 10:26 AM CST
smatz1624814 wrote:
Dear Christy and Nick,
Know we are thinking of you with love.
Sara and Michael
1/8/2008 11:29 AM CST
idkatums wrote:
I am sorry you had to endure the ER. I too had a early loss, which is very hard to go through. My doctor told me to "get over it", and thank gosh she's no longer at the practice anymore. You are in my thoughts as you go through this. I am glad you have Elias, Nick and Tosnia to help with the sorrow.
Katie
1/8/2008 12:05 PM CST
theroyalprincez wrote:
hi Christy, i usually just read along, but i want you to know how very sorry i am at the loss of your baby. i was very saddened to read about it, and even more so at the way the ER responded to you by allowing you to sit so long. i pray God's comfort and healing into all of your family.
sylvia
1/10/2008 9:35 AM CST
makemesmilenc wrote:
oh Christy! i am so sorry! i used to follow you and Elias a few years back, and over changing jobs, and losing bookmarks, i have forgotten to check in. but i was reading something this morning that made me think of you, so i searched for your old site and followed the new link and am saddened to hear of your loss. my thoughts are with you all during this undoubtedly tough time. *hugs*
1/22/2008 10:57 AM CST
kylenjenr1 wrote:
Christy, I am new to this website, and today I've read your blog for over two hours, and all about what a spectacular, beautiful and yes, what a mirical child Elias is. I am also a nurse. I tell you, it doesn't change a thing-it doesn't make it easier either. I've seen some bad things, but nothing must hurt more than this-I can't stop crying at your loss... I can't quit cryiing for all you've been through, as my baby kicks away inside me, due in April. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!
I just wan't to hold you,hug you, cry.... and tell you something will happen to make it right. But I can't...I can only think of Elias. That precious boy of yours. He needs you, loves you, and cares for you. Your his Godess. Really. You save him from harm, cure his ailments, defend him and nurse him to the best health he can have, just as you have since he was born....I am so sorry. I just can't stop crying...after all you've been through, too. Thank God for the gift God gave you....Elias. Please write again so we can all follow you, Nick and Elias.
2/20/2008 8:11 PM CST
Following Elias wrote:
All of your words help me to keep writing. Thank you!
Posted by: Christy | 09/27/2009 at 10:18 AM