Mullerian Anomolies and Me

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I stumbled into a world where almost all women have abnormal wombs. And no, it wasn’t another one of my dreams. I found it while doing research on the net, searching for more info about the surgical procedure to combine my two uteri into one. 

What I discovered is a Yahoo group for women with uterine abnormalities-- and its active enough to generate over 500 messages a week. Rich with information, emotions, and stories, not that unlike mine.

I joined the group just in time to witness a profound discussion between some of these women and a midwife-in-training who hoped to learn from their—our-- experiences.

If I had to guess, I’d say this midwife-to-be was a young woman, in her early twenties, eager to prove what she knew about the benefits of natural childbirth and the evils of the patriarchal western medicine model. I say early twenties, when she could have just as easily been in her fifties and going through a mid-life career change, because her spirited definitive views reminded me of a younger Christy who swore she’d never give birth in a hospital and give her power away to the men in white gowns. She’d claim her natural maternal rights and birth her baby as her ancestors did, at home, with a midwife, while howling in a language only mothers know.

Well, that’s what I thought.

So this midwife-in-training believed that many of the women in the group had fallen sway to the politics of fear, and given their power over to surgeons as they cut their bellies instead of pushing harder for vaginal births. She spoke in the way I might have once, as a young woman with strong beliefs but not enough experience to know that every choice comes with far more gray than black or white.

Her words opened a crevasse of feelings stuffed beneath the glacial terrain of conception, pregnancy and childbirth--and my fellow group members wrote and wrote and wrote about our realities as women whose dreams for natural childbirth were shattered by the inability to conceive, multiple miscarriages, months in the NICU, and the burial of babies, as the rest of the world goes on as if it wasn’t just turned upside down. As if our hearts weren’t ripped from our chests. As if anything is still natural.

Why are women so quick to judge other women when it comes to conception, pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting? Why do we fall into different camps, pointing fingers, shoving statistics at each other, when it’s obvious there is no right way for a baby to arrive.

I would never wish my birth experience on another woman, an emergency c-section a few days shy of 25 weeks, knocked out so the medical staff could rescue my son. And yet I want this option available, without judgment, to every woman that hopes to save her tiny child. Elias needed western medicine to live. He needed me to open my belly, to put my trust in a surgeon’s hand--to give up my dream of screaming at the moon as I pushed him out myself, without the aid of drugs or doctors, to hold him to my full breasts in my own bedroom. No, Elias needed resuscitation. He needed steroids. Heart and brain surgery, before he weighed two pounds. He needed me to embrace the medical model, to scrub my hands for two minutes before touching him and to pump, pump, pump, pump.




This is my story, along with a  miscarriage, and I’m learning, through this blog and now this group, that I’m not alone.

I want to thank the women of the Mullerian Anomalies Yahoo support group for speaking their truths despite the rocking chair judges with their impeccable wombs who cluck their tongues, despite the social stigma that comes with being abnormal. And I say this as one of the tribe, a woman with Uterus Didelphys, which literally means two wombs. Two cervixes, two uteri, and originally, before a surgery at age 18 to remove the septum, two vaginas.

Double the trouble.

And to the midwife-in-training, I hope you learn to embrace the many shades of gray that enrich our lives with uncertainty, ambivalence, chaos, and change. And that you hold onto your beliefs about women’s power, while realizing that sometimes the most powerful choice is to let go of our own dreams, and to carve out space for a child to breathe.

--Excerpted from Following Elias, originally published on Parents.com. Copyright 2009 by Meredith Corporation. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

Comments

[Christy]

street_musician wrote:
AMEN! My baby (4 months now) was in a strange position similar to a breech position from about 23 weeks on and I have an extremely small pelvis, so I pretty much was preparing myself for a c-section. When they finally scheduled it and I told people you can't imagine the rude and insensitive remarks I got! It seems a lot of people are more concerned with their "birth experience" than the actual health of the baby. It seems like a very selfish viewpoint to me. All I cared about was the health of Elijah. My husband and I both had a special beautiful experience with a c-section (he watched the whole thing) and I was able to nurse him the second they sewed me up! In a perfect world we could all have natural birth and healthy babies, but it doesn't always work out that way! I thank God for c-sections because in the past both my baby and I would have died in birth. Thanks for bringing this subject to light...all the birth Nazis need to calm down!
6/24/2008 10:50 AM CDT

Siddamom wrote:
I call it the tyranny of the norm (although I know I didn't coin that...) and after I had a disappointing C-section, unnecessary, I was an ideologue about it, too.

I grew up, grew wiser, and let others do their own thing. I just read on another blog that fundamentalist thinking (and not just religious fundamentalist, anything dogmatic) is like committing intellectual suicide.

I think some people also don't want to feel the feelings associated with ambiguity, and get dogmatic about emotional issues, killing their fears and doubts when they might grow from them, albeit painfully.

virginiawilliams wrote:
Christy, another beautiful post. I think you should find a market to publish this. It makes me crazy, all these judgments about our mothering, our birthing, our raising, our conceiving...who wins? This is about our children, not which of us mothers wins the prize for "did it the 'natural' way." Why do we all want to feel so damn superior (and I don't exclude myself from that...we're all insecure in our mothering, hence the judgment, I suppose). I don't know where it comes from, but I do wish it would stop.

Things don't always go as planned. There are many smug, superior mothers out there (and others as well, fathers, grandmas, aunts, etc.) who think it's all so easy, this is what you do and la-di-da, nothing to it. Until you've been in a different room than the "normal" one, whether it be because of your delivery, your baby's illness, your baby's death. If I've learned anything in my life, I've learned not to judge. And why? Because of my child.
6/24/2008 6:39 PM CDT

Following Elias wrote:
I love having such wise compassionate courageous readers who give me the gift of their words...and hearts.

As women we are hard enough on ourselves without carrying the judgments of others. I'm sorry people were insensitive to you street_musician, though I believe it-- and Virginia you are so right, who wins?...I mean really?

I think Siddamom you expressed it perfectly with your last statement: "I think some people also don't want to feel the feelings associated with ambiguity, and get dogmatic about emotional issues, killing their fears and doubts when they might grow from them, albeit painfully."

Yes, yes, yes. ugh.
6/25/2008 2:06 AM CDT

Judy Christensen wrote:
Your comments about those who are so sure they have all of the answers touched a spot in my heart. 31 years ago I spent long hours in labor only to have my son become stuck in the birth canal. After pushing for a long time, he was in trouble and I had an emergency c-section. As one of you said in "the old days" we both would have died is the truth. He was OK once they got him out and so was I. You can imagine the comments I got from those who knew better, "did your Dr have a golf game to go to?" was one of my favorites. Thanks for educating those who don't know that we are not failures at having babies only using a different method. love to all three of you, Judy
6/25/2008 10:15 AM CDT

gretacamp wrote:
Like Judy, I had a long labor and eventual c-section, and I never dreamed that would happen to me. If I had anyone to go by, my mom had four kids with no drugs, and I am big and strong like her. My male OB was extremely patient and never rushed to cut the baby out. He was there with me all day and night (in and out, of course). I thank him so much for helping bring my babies into the world safely. I needed his help and he was very experienced. I remember when I met Elias the summer after he was born, you told me how many days you pumped milk before you could actually nurse him. I couldn't believe how difficult that must have been. But then again, thank goodness for pumps! I like to associate with the peeps in the trenches and not those up on the high horses. I learn so much more from the ground.
6/25/2008 10:44 AM CDT

Following Elias wrote:
Greta and Judy, thanks so much for sharing your stories. Big hugs to you both!!!!!
6/26/2008 12:53 AM CDT

Niksmother wrote:
Powerful, Christy. Very powerful and moving. I am also grateful for the medical technology which allows me to celebrate each day with my son.

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Your comments about those who are so sure they have all of the answers touched a spot in my heart. 31 years ago I spent long hours in labor only to have my son become stuck in the birth canal. After pushing for a long time, he was in trouble and I had an emergency c-section. As one of you said in "the old days" we both would have died is the truth. He was OK once they got him out and so was I. You can imagine the comments I got from those who knew better, "did your Dr have a golf game to go to?" was one of my favorites. Thanks for educating those who don't know that we are not failures at having babies only using a different method. love to all three of you, Judy

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