I am 24-weeks pregnant with Olive, the week Elias was born, and today I dropped him off at his first day of kindergarten.
He woke up at 4:00 this morning, crawled in bed with us and asked, “Am I riding on a big bus or a little bus?”
“I don’t know what size bus they’ll send,” I said, “I’ll drive you for your first day. But it’s not time to go to school yet. Sleep sweetie.”
We woke him up at 7:00. “It’s a school day,” I said.
“First day of kindergarten,” Nick said.
“Can I wake Nana and Papa?” Elias asked.
“Sure and then come up for breakfast.”
Thankfully my epic headache subsided to a dull throb, like the hum of a fluorescent light, only noticeable when still, allowing me to feel almost perky as I fried some cheesy eggs for Elias. Nick cooked bacon and made Elias a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch which we packed in his monkey lunch bag (with a Velcro top, no tricky latch—thanks Mary Ellen!) along with a Z Bar, string cheese, fruit leather, grapes, and a juice box.
Elias actually ate his eggs and bacon as we talked about his first day of kindergarten.
I asked him his teacher’s name and he remembered then I reviewed the names of his physical therapist, Resource Teacher, and Aid.
“You’ll have a lot of teachers this year Elias.”
And as I reviewed all the particulars I wondered if I’m doing this for him or for me. Who needs to be held up this morning? Who needs to be reminded that it will all be ok?
“Remember if you poop to let a teacher know so she can change your diaper.”
Yesterday, I cried on the phone with a friend about the idea of sending Elias off to have his diapers changed by the Anchorage School District. Its one thing to send him to Special Ed preschool at age three in a diaper but quite different to send him into a regular kindergarten classroom without big boy underwear.
His teacher reassures me that the rest of the class is not that far away from diapers themselves and that they will accept him. Her years of experience, wisdom, and compassion relieve my fears during our screening meeting—yes, Elias got another great teacher for this year-- but alone in my room, with my head throbbing, my mind can’t release the vulnerability of Elias on the changing table in the handicapped stall of the girl’s hall bathroom. I picture a line of third grade girls entering as Elias departs.
Giggles and stares.
I remind myself that Elias is not self-conscious of his diapers—yet—so to stop fixating on scenarios I can’t control.
“Want to put my shoes on now,” Elias said after breakfast, eager to return to Northwood for a new year.
“Alright but its not quite time to go.”
Nana read him a book as I puttered and fretted.
Another giant leap for Elias, miles away from the tiny fragile baby whose grip I first felt in the NICU over five years ago. The micro-preemie with a brain-bleed who wasn’t expected to survive.
With his school backpack strapped to his small shoulders, he walked toward the door.
Since Elias has bonded so well with Nana and Papa this past week, kicking Nick and I our of his room at bedtime so they can read to him, asking for his grandparents to sit next to him at dinner, to change his diaper, to play in his room, we decided that they should not come to school on this first morning, or he may not want to leave their sight, so they waved from the door.
He waved back and climbed into my green Subaru. All by himself.
“Show me where your classroom is,” I told Elias, as he stood in the entrance to the school, overwhelmed by the crowds of parents and kids.
We passed Ms. Robyn’s room, his former preschool classroom, and she came out to say hello. I found myself wanting to walk into her room, into the safety of the known, the small group of children with special needs. It’s the anticipation of a roomful of regular children, and their parents, that terrifies me.
Elias smiled as he walked through the door and, with prompting, found his cubby and his hook for hanging up his coat. I helped him, the hovering Mama, despite the presence of his PT and the Aide from the Resource Room, both there to assist Elias.
Next it was time to find his nametag. He picked up his name and said with a grin, “I found it really quickly.” And he did.
I helped him put it on his new orange and green snap-up shirt and then directed him to his table, in the front of the room, where three other boys sat playing with Playdo.
“Hi, I’m Dominic,” the boy next to him said. Elias didn’t respond.
“His name is Elias,” I said, “Elias can you say hi.” No response. I stood and backed up, to watch from the edge, like the other parents, to force myself to stop talking for him, to observe and let him just be… Elias.
“What happened to you?” Dominic asked, “Did you break your legs?”
Dominic’s parents smiled at me, apologetically, I smiled back, “It’s OK, they’ll need to talk about it.”
The Aide stepped forward, “No, he didn’t break his legs, he just needs help walking for now.”
Elias squeezed his Playdo and looked around the room.
“I got four shots at the doctor,” Dominic said to anyone who was listening. He made a face in his Playdo. The boy on the other side made a ball, threw it up in the air and caught it. “Look what I can do,” he said.
Elias squeezed his Playdo again, held up the blob and said to no one and anyone, “Look what I made.”
His teacher called us to attention, welcomed us to her classroom, told us a little about their day, and then said, “Well its time for one more hug and kiss and then for all the parents to go.”
Elias looked up concerned. I bent down next to him and put my hand on his back. “Are you going Mommy, “ he asked.
“Yes, its time for me to go home-- but I’ll be back to pick you up after school.”
His teacher reminded me that I could stay a little longer if I wanted to observe.
Elias’s lower lip quivered and he looked toward me with sad eyes, “When do I get to go home?”
And I don’t know what I answered, something about seeing him at the end of the day, all I know is I had to leave the room before my tears fell--so the moment I saw his attention drawn in towards the boys at his table, and his lip pull back in,, I gave him a kiss and departed, so I could cry in the hallway, away from his familiar blue eyes.
I wanted to stay and watch but I couldn’t.
The sobs came once I closed the door to my car, and I sat there in the handicapped parking spot with my head in my hands.
And now its not yet noon and I write not knowing about Elias’s day, my former 24-weeker, sitting in a kindergarten classroom with 17 other students, out of my reach, flung into the unknown world of school days that parents can’t quite smell or taste.
We can ask questions. We can visit. We can observe. But it’s not our place to stay.
It’s theirs alone. Our babies, now children… adults someday.
And until this morning, even with warnings, I couldn’t come close to comprehending how hard this day would be.
--Excerpted from Following Elias, originally published on Parents.com. Copyright 2009 by Meredith Corporation. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.
stelablu2522671 wrote:
Your posts always touch me, this post has me crying. I am getting ready to send my son to Kindergarden in a few weeks and am so sad it is that time already. I am so excited for him but so sad for me. I feel like its the end of something--in reality I know it is only the beginning of something fabulous! This is what we have been preparing them for for the last 5 or 6 years--we should be proud! I hope his first day goes well and can't wait to hear about it. I will be thinking of you as I lose it myself in a few weeks and know I'm not alone. Have a good day!
Char
8/25/2009 5:19 PM CDT
Deidremz wrote:
I can't wait to hear how his day was. You're doing a great job momma, I'm sure he was a shining star today.
deidre
8/25/2009 5:56 PM CDT
HairyFarmerFamily wrote:
Oh honey, I went with Harry on his frist trip to nursery today. He's only starting on two mornings a week next month, but it's the same building he'll stay in for pre-school, reception and primary - so really, once he starts, he'll be there until he's 11. I got a bit sniffley at the thought. I completely empathise with your sadness and poignancy.
8/25/2009 6:32 PM CDT
squirrelsmom4139178 wrote:
I have some wonderful 1st day of school memories of my girls -- it is so bittersweet. I hope he had a really good day!
8/25/2009 7:05 PM CDT
loreleismama wrote:
You did great sending him off! I am ALREADY having panic attacks about my daughter starting K NEXT YEAR!! The REALLY bad thing is that she already is in the PreK at the school, she already knows all the teacher and I WORK THERE. I will actually be closer to her then I am now. It STILL seems like SUCH a hug, huge step!
As far as the diapers go I would not worry. I have a lot of students (k-2) who wear them. None of the other kids in the school even bat an eye. They still play with the kids and treat them just like kids. They don't treat them like babies nor do that laugh and point. HE WILL DO AWESOME!
8/25/2009 7:27 PM CDT
Parental Discretion Advised wrote:
My heart is breaking for you and what a hard thing it was to do, leaving Elias in that classroom, but I am also so glad to see how well he's doing. You must be so proud!
And congratulations on making it to 24 weeks! That is wonderful.
8/25/2009 8:05 PM CDT
Following Elias wrote:
Thank you all for your support and compassion. Its too late for me to write a post about his day, I hope to tomorrow after I put him on the bus--scary--but i wanted to share quickly that i received two phone calls from his teachers reassuring me that he was having a good day and he was all smiles when we picked him up.
8/26/2009 2:06 AM CDT
JeannieCarey wrote:
Christy - no worries. Elias is a great kid and I know the children in his class will love him. You can be in the class as much as you want. Usually they want the parents to stay away for the first week to allow the teachers to create the comfort of the new daily patterns. After that, they love having the help. I volunteered in my daughter's kindergarten class. They can't get enough volunteer time the kindergarten year. It's fun to get to know the other kids. There will be plenty to do in class so you won't get a chance to hover. I went through a ton of firsts the kindergarten year. Each month includes new events as you get to know the school. It'll be much easier in 1st grade.
8/26/2009 2:30 AM CDT
theroyalprincez wrote:
i had tears too as i was reading along, but now i'm smiling, thinking, "you made it thru the 1st day Mom". lol! i think it's harder on us Moms than the children. i'm always so awed to see Elias' progress.
8/26/2009 5:23 AM CDT
SaraSkates wrote:
Awww - them starting kindy is the hardest thing. It's doubly hard as parents of kids like Elias - I know I had a hard time when Hannah started, but it was even harder with Toby. And honestly with each new school year, it continues to be hard - but not as hard as Kindy was. I know I have such a mix of "protectiveness" and wanting to "fix" things that are unfixable with Toby - having to do largely with the social implications of his physical disability. Hang in there - and I am SO thrilled re Olive!
virginiawilliams wrote:
Oh, I know. My youngest starts kindergarten NEXT year and I'm already teary about it. So glad he had a good first day, though.
8/26/2009 11:51 AM CDT
gretacamp wrote:
I thought I would be dancing in the streets on Sofia's first day of kindergarten a year ago. 5 days a week - yay! But I ended up crying, like so many others, but for me unexpectedly. And throughout the year, there were challenges I hadn't anticipated. "Mommy, I want to play at preschool, not work in kindergarten." Crying in the morning, prompting her a million times to get up and get dressed. Then I heard other parents say how much their kindergartners loved school, and I wondered why Sofia seemed to dread it so much some days. Then we had another baby. So much more to wrap my brain around. I only want for her to be happy. Is she happy? Is school too much of a challenge? Should we have held her back a year due to her being one of the youngest in the class? Am I seriously affecting her future by sending her at 5 instead of 6? I teeter everyday on the edge of helicopter parent and my idea of a perfect parent. She needs to learn how to be independent. Am I letting her go too soon?
She pulls it together in front of my eyes, despite her tears and trepidation. Growing's not always easy, for her or me!
8/26/2009 12:26 PM CDT
brooke3359516 wrote:
Is Elias the only special needs kid in the class? how are the other kids doing with him?
8/26/2009 1:15 PM CDT
Following Elias wrote:
Brooke, he is the only one with visible special needs but I know there is at least one other student with an IEP. And like Sara wrote, its the social implications of his disabilities that worry me most, just wanting him to be accepted and appreciated for how he is,...and like Greta wanting whats best for him but not always knowing what that is...is it a regular classroom...? We'll see...
Jeannie I do plan on being in more after this first week. As long as I'm allowed to be upright:)
Its funny b/c I didn't think I'd cry yesterday, i mean hes been in preschool for three years, but wow, it hit me right in the gut, or the womb, that deep core of motherhood that once protected him from the world.
8/26/2009 1:30 PM CDT
Posted by: Christy | 09/27/2009 at 07:01 PM