It's 1:00 a.m. and I lay on the couch with my body curled around Elias's. His rump rests on my pregnant belly, his head under my chin, my arm drapes across his side, and in this position all three of us fit. He lifts his hand to my face, branding my cheek with the heat of his fever, as if to leave a burnt fingerprint so the rest of the world will always know to whom I belong.
We are on our second load of wash and there is nothing left inside him to project. And as I lie awake listening to his even breaths my mind races from news reports of H1N1 to our 94 days in the NICU to our unexpected hospital stay in Oregon, and I wonder if illness will always arrive at our house with so many over-stuffed bags.
At 4:00 a.m. his fever finally breaks and he sleeps peacefully between Nick and I as we toss and turn besides him, pillars of concern, hoping our worry will somehow protect our child from the image of sirens racing through stoplights, doctors in scrubs, wrinkled brows.
"You want to lie back down," Elias says when I rise to relieve my squished bladder sometime after 10:00.
I touch his forehead and feel the heat of his fever returned. "I'll be right back Babe."
We spend the day in our jammies, intertwined, somewhere in the back of my mind I know I need to protect myself, and his two-pound sister, from his coughs-- and yet I can't help but to take his breath in mine as he nestles his small frame into mine.
Around noon he pulls his head from my chest, sits up and points towards my left breast, "Is your heart right there?"
I smile at this beautiful boy, my heart: "Yes, it's right there."
As I hit publish, Elias is still in our bed, sleeping now, and when he wakes up we'll decide whether to bring him to his doctor's office to test for H1N1...I'll keep you all posted.
Posted by: Christy | 09/14/2009 at 03:57 PM
I am de-lurking to say that was so beautifully written. I have 2 in diapers and we suffered through a stomach virus last week. I held both of my "hearts" so very tight knowing I would be next in line (sure enough I was) but I can not image anyone else taking care of them.
Hold that little boy tight!
-Megan ([email protected] 's daughter)
Posted by: Megan Redmon | 09/14/2009 at 05:28 PM
oh, take care of him and yourself. I hope it's not the dreaded H1N1 for all of your sakes.
praying that all is well again soon.
Posted by: Tracy | 09/14/2009 at 06:03 PM
awww - really your heart is wrapped very firmly around his little self and Olive's too - he has no idea :) Though really, I think he's pretty all-knowing about that one. Keep us posted please - you are all in our thoughts.
Posted by: Sara | 09/14/2009 at 07:58 PM
I hope your beautiful boy feels better this morning.
Posted by: heather | 09/15/2009 at 05:38 AM
It's Tuesday morning, almost 6:00, can't sleep, Elias is on our bed, still hot, I see a doctor visit on our agenda this morning. When I called yesterday they said if he fever didn't break by this morning to bring him in...
Megan, thank you for de-lurking to write, hope your family remains healthy, and I will keep holding my little heart tight:)
And thank you all for caring so, it means the world.
Posted by: Christy | 09/15/2009 at 06:03 AM
Ooh--sorry to see the update in your comment, Christy. I hope the doctor visit goes well and that they can help Elias feel better soon.
Hugs to the whole family!
Posted by: Tara | 09/15/2009 at 08:24 AM
Can I bring you guys some food?
Posted by: Emily Kurn | 09/15/2009 at 12:22 PM
hope all goes well at the dr and that Elias is feeling better
Posted by: nerissa | 09/15/2009 at 12:28 PM
I am so sorry to hear that Elias is unwell. Having an unwell child at the best of times is scary, but with this awful virus lurking around it's even worse. AND being pregnant doesn't help one little bit. Fingers crossed he's feeling better and the doctor's visit is all good.
Sending cyber hugs from Australia.
Dianne
xo
Posted by: Dianne | 09/15/2009 at 02:20 PM
I hope healing arrives quickly--for all of you!
Posted by: Shelley | 09/15/2009 at 02:27 PM
Emily, thank you for the food offer, I'm never one to turn down food:) Though I wouldn't want to spread the crud to your family. hope you are well. Would love to connect soon.
Thanks all!
Posted by: Christy | 09/16/2009 at 07:37 AM
We just got over the H1N1 flu here and luckily just myself and the 13yr old got it not the 16 month old. I am praying for all 4 of you, hoping you dont get it and That precious boy gets well soon. If I lived closer I would bring you food and leave it on the doorstep and run like we used to do as kids. Prayers from IL.
Posted by: Heather | 09/16/2009 at 10:41 AM