Baby Baby Baby

I find myself driving to Baby Depot, Target, Once Upon A child, Baby's R Us, Spoiled, and REI. I price car seats, search for the perfect stroller, stand before shelves of baby paraphernalia and allow myself to imagine needing it all for a chubby little girl named Olive.

I let myself believe I will hold her, she will cry a loud healthy-lunged wail, before latching on and filling her belly with warm milk.

I touch a plush brown and green blanket, with polka dots, like garlic-stuffed olives, and hold it to my face. I stand at the cash register still snuggling it. I can't seem to make a big purchase yet, but I will bring this blanket home.

**********

When I drop Elias off at school three girls from his class walk over to say hello. Elias is late so I help him take off his coat.

"Does Elias still wear diapers?"

"Yep, he's still learning," I say. She knows he wears diapers but she needs to ask, to make sense of what she sees.

Elias isn't engaging the girls with his eyes, he's looking elsewhere, smiling, excited to be at school.

"Elias looks like a baby," a second girl says, and her tone carries that first inkling of cattiness that consumes some girls as they grow.

Before I can even think of how to respond, the tallest of the three girls, the one who towers over Elias by at least a foot, looks at her friend and says, "That's not a nice thing to say."

I smile at her and nod slightly before asking Elias to put his lunch bag on the tray.

**********

I walk into Classic Toys, to the section overshadowed with various shades of pink, and pick up Baby Stella, a soft doll by Manhattan Toy company.

"Would you like this gift wrapped?" the woman at the counter asks.

"No, that's alright... well, actually, he'll probably like that."

We spent the morning at the hospital, me holding Elias in my lap, struggling with him as he cried and tried to yank his hands free as the nurse wrapped probes around his arms to stimulate his sweat glands. "NO, NO, NO, " he sobbed, "I don't like this. I want to go to school right now!"

He fought my restraints as I fought back tears, thinking how much more can we put him through, hating this latest test for Cystic Fibrosis. Elias's protests started before the lab tech even pulled the equipment out-- it just took walking into the antiseptic room and the memories of needles, failed IV's, and countless time spent in windowless corners.

Elias no longer loves hospitals. No longer sees visiting the doctor's office as an exciting adventure. Doesn't wake up and ask to get an x-ray as he once did. He even wants to take the stairs instead of riding the elevator.

Elias is developing an initial consciousness of what all these appointments mean. He's beginning to understand. His world isn't quite as safe as he once imagined when the hospital hallways were his playground and not a place of tests, procedures and over-stuffed files filled with terms that declare his differences. His challenges.

And simultaneous to this awakening, his Mommy keeps talking about this baby in her belly, shooing him away from her at times, protecting herself from his acrobatic cuddles, and now his parents discuss moving to a new home. They clean and pull out boxes. Look at other houses on the computer. Talk about not living here anymore

This is a lot for one little boy to handle. Five-years-old, innocent and ancient.

So I buy him a doll.

His own little Olive to take care of while his Mama grows the real one in her right womb. I don't care about perceived gender roles and the social messages that want to sell only weapons and machines to boys. We all need to learn how to nurture whether we have two XX chromosomes or an X and a Y.

"I got you a present today," I tell Elias, "Because you were very brave at the hospital this morning, and I'm proud of you."

He smiles and bounces, "A present! What is it?"

"You have to open it."

He tears the paper, crumples it in his hand, rips another small piece and then tears that one into smaller pieces, distracted by the paper itself, the process of unwrapping, content to rip, crumple and tear.

"What is it?" I ask to redirect his attention to the gift inside.  I gasp dramatically, "A baby," I say instead of letting him answer my question, speaking too quickly as usual, instead of slowing down for his processing speed.

"Aw cute," Elias says, "A baby." He tries to pull it from the box.

I undo the twisty ties and hold her as I would Olive before asking if he would like to hold her and showing him how. "Your very own baby."

He holds her against him for a second, then looks at her, and pulls her magnetic pacifier from her face. "Whats this?" he asks.

I explain pacifiers and then show him how to undress her. "Look wears a diaper too," I say, and then we practice changing it. Once she's re-dressed he promptly undresses her again.

"What would you like to name her?"

"Olive," he says without a pause.

Later that night, after reading a Halloween story together, all three of us, Elias, Olive and me, sitting on the floor of his room, he picks up Olive from my lap, points to the door, and says, "She needs to go out there so I can sleep in here."

"What if she sleeps in the crib?" 

About a month ago, we set up Elias's old crib in his room, to see if it would fit, a subtle act of faith for what may come. 

"Yeah," he says and then climbs up to see where I place her, under a green and brown blanket in the far right corner, the only space that's not filled with boxes.

Around 4:00 a.m. I hear Elias's door open as he performs his early morning ritual of moving from his room to ours. He opens our door and walks the few steps to our bed, in his hand he holds baby Olive, who he places on top of the dresser that stands flush with the bed, before climbing into his sleeping bag on the floor.

Comments

[Noel Dennehy]

Have you ever read the children's book William's Doll? I just went to Amazon to see if it is still in print. It is the story about a darling little boy who wants a doll and the grandmother who realizes that he needs one to love. His brother calls him sissy and things like that. It is a great story. I thought it was brilliant of you to get Elias his own "Olive". Can't wait to hear whtat the doctor or the tests say tomorrow.
Lots of love,
Noel

[Niksmom]

Simply beautiful. And I like that tall girl. A lot.

[Morgan S.]

Sniff. Way to be a good big brother already, Elias!

[Sara]

My kids have both loved William's Doll. What an excellent story - especially of Elias bringing Baby Olive with into your room. Toby has long preferred pink and baby dolls and lots of nurturing toys - though lately? It's all about guns. (Literally, he has asked me if he can go to "hunting camp" next summer - that just this morning - and whether he can make and xk350 or some model of a huge gun.) And this Lego League thing - I had 6 9-10 year old boys at my house yesterday and it was a whole lotta boys and weapons. Eesh.

Though to be honest he still nurtures stuff - pets and stuffed animals - he totally latched on to this stuffed turtle when we went to the water park about a month ago - it was his special friend who he included in *everything* at the park.

For Elias? Right now clearly it's a perfect gift. There are tons of kids' books about new siblings and even "broader" books about how parents can love lots of kids. The Napping House was a favorite in our house.

go buy that green blanket already - or at least link it so one of us can and deliver it to your doorstep ;)

[fleming]

Bummer for you that he doesn't ask to have an x-ray anymore or go to the hospital but what Kinderdgardner does? I know you don't like the word "normal" but that seems like a pretty "normal" reaction so...GREAT! He'd rather be at school and I consider that a huge success. You do have a lot going on in your lives, but he has adjusted to so many things already that he will adjust to Olive and a move as well. As long as he knows that you are all going somewhere TOGETHER, he'd surely go to the moon. Relax and enjoy being the powerful, round 32week momma that you are!

[Jessica]

I love that you bought him a doll :) My son is always palying with the dolls at our house. Most of them are techniquelly his sister, but he has claimed many as his own. He is SO gentel and loving with them. My cousin rolls her stuck in a gender streotyped world eyes at me and mumbles about his too long hair and girly toys, but I just KNOW that I am teaching him how to be loving.
He loves "boy" toys too, but so does his big sister.

[kelly o]

My son reacted the same way with the sweat test, he cried and carried on so much I asked if they had put the electrodes on incorrectly or if possibly the machine was malfuncioning and electrocuting him! Turns out he was just reacting like a scared 5 yr old.

I love the tall girl! I want my kid to be like her!

Your family has soooo much going on right now that you're all under abnormal amounts of stress, seems to me Elias is holding up remarkably well. I hope you all continue to take big deep slow breaths and ask friends for help.

[Jaki]

My sister did the same thing...she got a doll for her son when she was expecting her daughter and he LOVED it! I think more than the sister that came later ! :-)

My Niece played all the time with dolls about the time that I was expecting my son (Jeremy) and once I had him ALL her dolls were named Jeremy...except one was Baby Jesus. Ha! So cute that Elias wanted to name his doll Olive!

Good luck with all the upcoming excitement.....and THANK YOU for letting all of us follow Elias with you!

[Meg]

We got Casey, or rather Grandma Judy) got Casey, a little boy doll that he picked out on the day Christian was born. He sleeps with his doll every night, dresses it, gives it it's binky and cluddles it. He even tried breast feeding it a few times...very cute. I think it's completely age appropriate for a five/six year old.

[Mary Elizabeth]

My middle son Leavitt, who is 2, tells everyone he has a baby in his tummy too. His baby is expected to arrive just before Christmas, my due date, and has named her Cookie. I am thinking of getting him a doll and giving it to him at the hospital when our forth son is born so that he has "his" baby as well as "ours" to welcome.

[Christy]

Noel, I grew up listening to Free to Be You and Me and that includes the story/song of William's doll. I've always loved it.

Sara, Elias loves playing with kitchen stes and pushing shopping carts but he also love to "wrestle" and "tackle" so like Toby I can see him drawn to both sides...oh, and I did buy the green blanket just not a new car seat yet, (you know, the bigger purchases b/c the blanket can always be a gift) which we'll need since Elias's old one will expire "soon". But as each day passes uneventfully I feel more ready to shop for Olive.

Thanks Fleming for the reminder that him wanting to be at school instead of in a cramped hospital bed really is a good thing.

Kelly, thanks for letting me know your son resisted the sweat test too. And yes the tall girl rocks!

Jaki, we now talk about our pretend Olive and our real Olive, its pretty funny.

Meg I love that Casey tried breastfeeding his little doll, thanks for sharing.

Mary Elizabeth, part of my choice to get Elias the doll was to practice "taking care of a baby" but the bigger reason was so when the real Olive comes home he can have his own little Olive to hold when I'm busy with the baby. I love that Leavitt has named his baby in his tummy Cookie:)

[massageon]

Wow, that is such a nice story. My Husband and I have been discussing what we want to buy Santino for Christmas, and I know we are going to get him a doll. He picked one up in a store the other day and held it just like a baby and gave it a hug and kiss. It was a very nice moment. Makes us want to have another one~!