We're scaring the new parents: I write to Nick on the side of our handout on labor pains. He smiles and nods. We sit in the West Auditorium at Providence, in a horseshoe of chairs, with eleven other couples for a weekend intensive birthing class.
After introductions the instructor asks, "Is this anyone's second child?"
Nick and I raise our hands and look around. The rest of the group's hands remain in their laps, on their bellies, or intertwined with their partners' familiar fingers.
As usual I feel the need to explain.
"Our first child, our son Elias, was born four months early via an emergency c-section, so we never had an opportunity to take a birthing class."
"Wow," the bubbly instructor says, the smile never leaving her face. "So you spent some time in the NICU?"
"94 days."
"Well that's great that he got out before your due date, so he must have done really well."
"Yeah, well..." I'm not sure how I finished that thought.
"And how's he doing now?' she asks.
This question, innocent enough, makes me cringe every time. How's he doing now? How do I answer this in a way that captures Elias fully, without minimizing his challenges or shortchanging his spirit. I have different answers for different situations and in this particular moment I just want to turn the spotlight down. Move on. Let the rest of the expectant parents in the room hold onto their Gerber baby images, their notions of watching their above-average child grow. I can't look at their startled sympathetic eyes so I focus on the instructor's unwaivering smile.
"He's doing good. He's in kindergarten." As if "kindergarten" explains anything beyond his age. But its a feel-good word--ah kindergarten-- and creates a recognizable picture, even if it is far from complete.
"That's so great so he's in school, so he must be doing really well, all caught up and all."
Uh oh, here we go...I open my mouth.
"Well, he still has a lot of delays.." Nick says, saving me for the moment. God I love him.
"Oh..." The instructor's smile turns briefly to a sympathetic frown, she sighs, and says something to transition her attention back to the class as a whole. But a few minutes later, when she talks about preterm labor, she looks back towards me and asks if I know why I delivered so early.
I breathe in deeply. "Well instead of one uterus, I have two, and each is about half the size, with its own cervix. Elias was in my left uterus and this baby is in my right with the stronger cervix."
"Wow, interesting," she turns to the class, and says something like: "That really does happen, I've heard of it happening before."
Uh huh. It really does happen. You are all in the presence of a one in a million statistic, should we get the forceps, the stirrups, the spotlight...
As she returns to her lesson plans, Nick whispers to me, "We're still scaring the new parents."
Its my turn to smile and nod. "I know--the freak show in the birthing class." Our fingers interlace and he gives me a squeeze.
Why didn't I just raise my hand when she asked if this was anyone's second child and leave it at that? Why do I always talk myself into holes and then try to dig my way out? Her follow-up questions might have led me there anyways, but I opened the door.
Its early Sunday morning as I write. We will return for another five hour session later today. Yesterday the focus was on natural childbirth. Today we'll cover interventions, c-sections, and postpartum.
I know most of the women in the class have specific ideas and hopes for the birth of their first baby. They've thought about it for months now, or if they were like me, years, iimagining themselves in labor in images that fit their particular wants and needs.
I never imagined a c-section during my pregnancy with Elias.
During my postpartum days, when I learned about the necessary speed of the procedure and the type of incision made, I grieved the loss of a vaginal delivery-- for that was far more tangible, at first, than the tiny fetus in the NICU, with the name Elias taped above his plastic womb.
That grief would follow.
Baby steps.
Here I was, wondering what happened to the not yet reached third trimester, high on morphine, with stitches across my gut, sobbing over the loss of my anticipated childbirth.
Gone was the possibility of laboring in the way my great great great great grandmas did, without medical intervention, just the natural widening and stretching and howling as the head crests the cervical moon.
Gone.
And yet here I am, five almost six years later, in my third trimester, enrolled in a birthing class, practicing breathing techniques and labor positions. I may still need a c-section, but because Olive chose my right uterus, the uncut one, vaginal birth is possible.
Possible.
And yet this time I clutch no preconceived notions for her delivery. I am emotionally stretched, in all directions, wide open to whatever the day of her arrival shall bring.
And I'm more than willing to wait to find out.
Honestly, I think expectant parents need to know that things don't always go the way they hoped-dreamed-planned. I think they need to be prepared. Maybe I'm cruel that way, but when I hear pregnant couples talk about what they want, how they plan to do things, I think how naive they are. I'm angry with them, maybe even jealous. I want to burst their bubble (oh yes, did I mention I'm angry?).
I just think they need to be prepared, a little bit, for when things go wrong.
Posted by: Ginny | 10/25/2009 at 09:49 AM
I wish the medical field would stop having new parents prepare a birth plan...they are a joke. Yes, be aware of the options and choices out there so if consulted you may have some input but when push comes to shove (no pun intended) your choices have little significance. Your doctor is going to make the decisions with your safety in mind.
Posted by: Dayna | 10/25/2009 at 10:29 AM
Call me silly but, hellooo, instructor-lady?? Did you not HEAR Christy say her baby came FOUR MONTHS EARLY. Clearly, the person teaching the class has not got a crystal clear grasp on the implications of that to know when to shut the heck up! Oy. I cringed for you AND for her when I read her questions.
Posted by: Niksmom | 10/25/2009 at 10:47 AM
"the freak show in the birthing class" made me laugh. I can't tell you how many times David and I have left somewhere and said "Yup, we were the local freak show today." My favorite freak incident was last summer when my youngest was in casts - both legs up to his hips - and some yahoo just stood there staring at him as we wheeled by. Ethan yelled "hey!" and growled at the guy. Seriously, bared teeth, clawed hands and all! We got some looks.
The instructor really should have thought a moment before opening her mouth. Those moments are awkward and I'm glad you and Nick are so strong together :)
Posted by: heather | 10/25/2009 at 11:07 AM
I completely get the talking yourself into a hole thing...
My daughter passed away in 1996 and many people in my life now didn't know me then, so I often find myself mentioning her, seeing the strange look on the face of the listener, and realizing I've done it again. Although, I don't hide her from anyone, I am in a good place about her life and her death...so I HATE explaining...the sympathetic look...I actually feel sorry for the person to whom I am explaining. And the "How many children do you have?" question gets me every time! So I understand wondering how to explain things without feeling like you can't really explain it...not the way you wish you could.
Posted by: Shelley | 10/25/2009 at 01:27 PM
no matter how crummy my day/weekend has been, I always feel better after being able to lose myself for a few minutes in your posts. I too always dig a hole for myself when asked about my siblings like Shelley above, I can't not aknowledge my brother that died 4 years but at the same time hate explaining it and I too feel sorry for the person who asks the innocent question not expecting the answer that they get, when you see their smile falter, i always have the moment of stop talking now tara, but I just can't ever manage to do it.
Posted by: nurse tara | 10/25/2009 at 01:56 PM
I know that sympathetic look when talking about my ds Randy, who has many challenges. I talk about having 3 kids and end it there. But he goes to a different school and school district than his older sister, so the questions come up.
Posted by: Sange in IL | 10/25/2009 at 04:22 PM
that instructor is a dingbat.
Posted by: Brooke | 10/25/2009 at 07:32 PM
For different reasons, obviously, but I'm often (always?) that freak parent in the room too. Everything Shelley said above, I've had to deal with too, like somehow a young, dead husband is contagious. I'm always glad to find the other "freaks" in the world--especially when they write about it ;o)--so I feel a whole lot more normal.
And I agree with one of the earlier commenters too, that it's so hard to sit and hear the endless naive, utopian views that new parents or couples have. Perhaps it's one of the eventual benefits of people like us writing about the realities of our lives: maybe eventually people will start to realize some of the things that seem so "freakish" can happen and still be normal, too.
Thanks for sharing, as always. And that instructor was absolutely clueless. Yikes.
Posted by: Candice | 10/25/2009 at 11:34 PM
Your strength and courage continue to inspire me -- and I am so excited for you that the possibility of vaginal birth is there! I continue to pray and hope that things go well for you all, and that when Olive comes (several weeks from now, of course) she will have a great birth day with you!
Posted by: JenniferB | 10/26/2009 at 07:58 AM
I was a new expected parent when I began to read your blog. You didn't frighten me but inspired me with your strength. All those what ifs that I was afraid to think of becasue I wasn't sure that it wouldn't be the end of the world, you and Elias showed me that they wouldn't be. You helped me to stop worrying and that what ever happen there would be an amazing child to love, who would enjoy life, and who would enrich our lives. Thank you.
Posted by: [email protected] | 10/26/2009 at 08:47 AM
So much to chew on in your comments. At the end of the class yesterday, I was ready to go home so didn't write any comments on the evaluation but luckily Nick took the time to write that he thinks she should include a little bit about the NICU so parents aren't blind-sided if they end up there.
The instructor calculated 4 months early as 28 weeks so when she learned he was born between 24-25 weeks she realized a bit more his extreme-prematurity but still, as a childbirth instructor it would be beneficial to have more knowledge of all outcomes not just the ones that won't scare new parents.
When I worked at the NICU as a Parent Navigator, when Elias was two, my first priority outside of the unit was to include pictures of preemies and special needs kids in the hallway that was saturated with giant images of chubby babies and healthy children. I was first told that marketing didn't want to alarm new parents on tours of the hospital. Oh did that answer make me angry. Luckily we finally prevailed and a few months after I left the position they finally framed some pictures from the NICU.
I'm so glad to have other "freak shows" in my life even if I only know you through your words and stories. It helps to hear that other women talk themselves into holes too.
I have a good friend who lost one preemie a year before the birth of her preemie daughter and I know the question of "how many kids do you have?" seemingly innocent, can be a reminder of whats lost.
How do we answer truthfully when are lives are laced with complexities that we both do and do not want to share....?
I'm rambling but you all gave me so much to think about this morning...thank you!
And Heather, love the image of Ethan growling like a bear.
Posted by: Christy | 10/26/2009 at 08:53 AM
Virginia, you and I were writing at the same time:) Thanks for sharing this, you touched on one of my hopes for writing, that people without children yet or those with all "typical" kids will understand that from where I stand there is so much love and joy amidst the challenges.
Posted by: Christy | 10/26/2009 at 08:58 AM
I have been wondering if you'd be able to have a vaginal birth or not. That's great! The birthing class lady sounds pretty....uninformed. There are many types of people in the world, but it's suprising sometimes the ones they let "teach" others.
Posted by: massageon | 10/28/2009 at 08:04 AM