I'd write more if I could

The sun rises in Barrow for the first time since November 18th today--and I feel like my days are short.

I crave sunlight, the subtle warmth of spring, the lack of layers, evening shadows.

Foot-long icicles hang from our neighbors roof and we wake to single digit temperatures. I sit on the couch under not one but two blankets, both literally and figuratively.

I feel weighted down by the constant needs of two children. Last night, Elias and Olive had simultaneous meltdowns, forcing Nick and I to divide and conquer, leaving both of us feeling inadequate.  Ripped in half.

And now Olive is crying again...

**********

She's with me now, in the cradle of my left arm, unsure whether she wants to scream, sleep, or suck, confused by this out-of-womb world with its onslaught of sensations.

I struggle to hunt and peck my thoughts one handed, but chasing words keeps me from sinking with the sun.

It's January in Anchorage, a month with thick winter bookends, when the color green feels like a mirage on the horizon, always out of reach, teasing us with vibrant shades of earth we can almost smell.

**********

I push Elias away only to want to pull him closer.

When I nurse his sister he wants a piece of me too and I have nothing left, mere crumbs on a plate, consumed by the angst of discerning her post-feed disposition. Will she pull off my breast, satisfied and sleepy, or will she arch and howl and become the "angry baby" we can't soothe?

When the world sleeps and nothing will please her, I only want to curl my body around Elias's familiar frame, The boy with multiple needs who asks for so little. The boy who finds delight in the sound of words, in bread with butter,  in the winter weather I've come to resist. I miss our time together.

I grieve the loss of Elias as our "one and only" even as I thank god for the safe arrival of his sister.

**********

I know it will get easier. I'll learn how to balance the needs of both kids, or to live with the teeter totter of imbalance, pleasing one and then the other. I know Olive won't always scream and that Elias may someday find delight in his sister. I know that Nick and I will have time for each other again. Kid-less conversations. Uninterrupted kisses.

I know that I won't always feel so depleted. Like there isn't enough of me to go around.  I'll have more time to write, to find myself again amidst nouns and verbs.

And the sun will keep rising.

Comments

[fleming]

Oh I feel your pain Christy! Motherhood has left me simultaneously depleted AND filled to the brim. It makes no sense. It just is. The sun will rise though and just try to turn your face towards it, however brief the moment might be. hugs and kisses coming your way.

[Brooke]

Hey. Have you called in the reinforcements? Now is the time to call on the village. Are you unpacked, moved in? Get people over to help. Have you finished your projects? Offer a handy friend a 6 pack to help Nick finish whatever needs to be done. Too tired to imagine feeding yourself, let alone Elias? Ask some friends to deliver some meals. Aren't you on a hockey team? That ought to be good for at least 10 or so free meals. Whatever you need, just ask. People might not know, but want to help and don't hesitate for a minute to ask for it - unpacking, building, shopping, cooking, a hour of babysitting so you can take Elias to the park or take a shower. And how yeah, this too, shall definitely pass. :-)

[Carolyn]

Never had a colicky baby, but did have a preemie (not even close to as involved as Elias) who had to be fed every 2 hours night and day, slept on my stomach in a snuggly for 6 weels per doctor's request, and I nursed the younger while the elder stood by screaming because she couldn't sit ON my lap instead of next to me for a story while her baby brother was feeding. As a school teacher, I wondered some days when these children would "go home" as they do when you are having a bad day at school. There are happy endings and even though you and Nick are not having those now, maybe there is some small comfort in the back of your brain that says it will all be better sooner than later. Oh yeah, and call me for help if you need it. I can be part of a respite team.

[Teresa Curry]

Find someone you trust and go out with your husband and sit in silence. Best date night you'll ever have.

[Meg]

I'm coming out of the woodwork to say, hang in there! In July I had my third (three in 4 years) and it is hard, especially the first few months. Just when you think it'll never end, its gets better. Someday soon, you will watch as your children smile and laugh at each other, and get into various shenanigans with each other. You won't always feel quite so divided.

[susanna eve]

Remember too that for at least 6 to 8 weeks you are in post partum recovery, a victim to your hormones as much as when you were pregnant. You are also recovering from major abdominal surgery and it is winter. It will all get easier. This is an important time for you and Olive and it's tough on Elias but her needs have to come first. Get the help others suggested to help with Elias, the new house, meals and so on:)

[Noel Dennehy]

All these ladies have given you some great advice. I especially loved your last post about relating Elias to bringing home another wife.
I just wish I could wave a magic wand for you four or live closer so that I could give you a two hour break with Nick. Are you feeding Olivia at all by the bottle(pumped milk)so that she gets use to it(the bottle) and so that you could have a break? Do let me know if the box I sent you arrived for I sent it by mail and not UPS where I have a record that it arrived. You all have come so far and you are surrounded by love from us so far away. Take care.

[paula]

A wise, elderly woman gave me this advice one day. COURAGE, have courage. My three are teens and on the edge of adult hood. These days will soon someday just be memories and the sun will shine again.
Sending lots of good wishes your way!
Paula

[Sara]

It will get better.

and for what it's worth? My entirely typical nearly-13 year old is now having some issues re being the older sib of a kid like Toby and Elias. However hard it is for Elias - Olive will have her challenges re being the typical sister too. It'll work out in the end, and they'll have a lovely appreciation for a wider spectrum of what "works" in life (rather than a narrow view of disabled=limited). But it's just hard - hard all around. Good thing the good stuff about having two kids outweighs the hard stuff....it is entirely challenging. Hang in there.

[Jessica]

((((HUGS)))))))) it will get better. Whe I was nursing my son I always told my daughter that she would have some just mommy time shortly after. She was only 2 so she would pull up my shirt and just lay her head on my tummy "tummy time" we would call it. It was her "nursing". Sometimes I would just have to let the baby cry so she could have her 10 minutes. The good news is neither of them are worse for the ware. Sagen doesn't remember those 10 min that he had to cry when his sister had her turn and Lorelei has taken on the world as an independent 4 y/o who doesn't suffer from feeling of replacement.

[Ginny]

Oh, poor thing! It will get better; but get some reinforcements until then, if you can!

[[email protected]]

I too think you need to call in some reinforcements and just go out with your DH some. You need to take care of yourselves so you can take care of the little ones.

[Duffy]

Oh, Christy, I feel your pain! We called Viv "Grumpy Baby" for the first three months. She screamed a lot, vomited a ton, and she was awake all the time. The good news is, she got better! Honestly, I had a really hard time with her. It sounds horrible, but I loved her because she was mine...but I didn't like her right away. She turned out to be a great and happy baby-and now a well-adjusted six year old. It does happen. You will sleep soon and this will all be a foggy memory. Hang in there!

[Shannon]

My son (who has CP) was 3 when my daughter was born. She cried, inconsolably for weeks (I'm not telling you how many :)). That is when I started asking for help and I found when I asked, it came running. In fact, my friends started calling my husband to make plans on how to get me out of the house. It is OK to ask for help and I highly recommend it! I remember feeling like the screaming would never end and that there would never be enough room on my lap BUT the crying subsided (I didn't say ended) nearly overnight and I have pictures of my daughter, son and one of our cats all sitting on my lap. It gets easier! Sending you hugs until it does!

[Kit]

I can't imagine having a baby (who cries a lot) in Alaska in the winter while it's dark all the time! I would be so depressed! I agree with the pp who said that the first 6-8 weeks are hard because you're in recovery too. I like your outlook that it won't always be like/feel this way. You're right. Keep focusing on that, realizing that how you feel right now isn't forever and isn't even 100% accurate given the cirucumstances of sleep-loss, post pardum recovery, and lack of sunlight. Thinking of you!