My Pump Never Cried

Just got off the phone with Olive's pediatrician and this time even he used the word: "colic". Crying baby with no known cause. Its heartbreaking to watch her scream and to not be able to do a damn thing about it. Nursing often makes her more upset. We swaddle, we swing, we  shush, we un-swaddle, we lay her on her side on her stomach, we try the spin cycle, you name it, we try.

"Maybe this is just what a full term baby does," I said.

Uh no. Our doctor assured me. Not normal.

Perfect. 

Elias hardly ever cried. And when he did it never pierced the air in a room, not like the machete strikes of Olive' shrieks. The people sitting behind us on Elias's first flight east said at the end, "What a great traveler your baby is, he never let out a peep," when actually he had cried for almost an hour, as we fretted and rocked and shushed and hoped he'd fall asleep soon.

During the months after Elias's birth I woke every two to three hours to pump, religiously, as it was the only thing I could do for my son. I couldn't hold him or rock him or walk him around the house at night as he lay three miles away in the windowless Newborn Intensive Care Unit, so I pumped. I hated pumping, even as I relied on it, as the whir of the mechanical machine could not replace the rapid breath of a baby. The plastic cups only made me ache for soft cheeks. And yet the act of rising and pumping was my anchor during those helpless months as a mother. My one act of giving.

I think of those lonely nights now as I pace the floors with Olive.

The pump never cried. It didn't look at me with pained eyes. It didn't need help passing gas. It didn't leave me flustered wondering what else I could do to calm my struggling baby. It let me return to sleep after my milk drained.

On some nights it seems like there's no time to sleep. Olive finishes nursing and lays in my arms satiated for one blissful moment before her eyes widen, her face flushes and she grunts her way up to a full-throated scream. Its all I can do not to cry right along with her. Often I do. We try everything, and by the time she somehow falls back asleep, and I finally do, she's usually ready to eat again.

As she is now.

Comments

[Faye]

Sending a virtual hug your way...

[Rosie Lumley]

sounds like reflux (GORD) xx

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Harry did this! After the month of pumping-for-his-life, we had the months of scream-for-10-hours-out-of-every-24. And he did indeed turn out to have volcanic reflux: after a few weeks he started spewing out his feeds as fast as I could put them into him. And cried. And cried. And screamed. And cried. And bloody bloody bloody cried. I get tense just thinking about it. I would certainly consider reflux: Olive's screaming sounds awfully familiar.

[susanna eve]

colic doesn't really mean anything. If she has reflux there are ways of dealing with it. You might also want to evaluate your diet and see if she is reacting to anything you are eating. The good news is that babies grow out of this. Have you tried working with a lactation consultant to see if there is something about how she is feeding that is maybe making her swallow too much air? Just some suggestions. But do try various different techniques of treating reflux before medicating if that choice is offered to you.

[Laura Garrett]

My oldest did this for awhile. Someone suggested that I eliminate dairy from my diet which was our magic answer. We also held him facing outward, legs tucked up tight to his belly and bounced. Seemed to help him "pass" his pains. I hope you find something soon to help Olive and you find some peace. Good luck!

[TA]

My first and second children cried a lot during their first four months (not allergic to anything, no known reason for it). It was so awesome when it stopped! My second child started teething shortly after, though...
Just wanted to say, sometimes you wind up just waiting it out. But it doesn't go on forever, and it doesn't reflect on kids' temperaments. (Neither one of my criers turned out to be fussy, moody, or anything like that.)

[Liz]

My second was a screamy and mylicon really helped http://www.mylicon.com/ so did sleeping in the swing - ugh sorry but it does pass

[fleming]

That just plain old stinks! so cute yet so loud! When my husband found me crying one night while holding our screaming baby in my arms he simply said to me," this is the bottom and it will get better from here." I think I handed him our son, walked out of the room and proved him right. It did get better after a bit of sleep! Remember how desperate you were to hear her first cries? I guess she took you seriously. Hang in there birthday girl. (a bit late I know.)

[Karna Stuchlik]

My daughter is exclusively breastfed, and cried the same way, and although you will read how rare it is for breastfed babies to have reflux, my daughter does, in fact, have reflux. The thing that actually tipped me off was how congested she sounded, especially after eating, when I knew she didn't have a cold. The doctor agreed, and we started Zantac, in addition to keeping her upright most of the day, small, frequent feeds, and simethicone, and the change is day and night. You don't want to be too precipitous in starting medications, but you also don't want to let her hurt so bad that she begins associating eating with pain.

[Jessica]

I agree about the gas drops that someone else mentioned. Also, it helped with my daughter if I did a football type hold but held her face down with her chin and neck resting on my hand and bounced. I carried her around like that ALL THE TIME. I look at picutres and it looks like I was so non chalant and holding her an a very unsafe way, but it worked and she loved it. It really soothed her tummy.

[Danielle]

Just feeling for you. Hang in there.

[yasmara]

Another vote for reflux (GERD=gastro esophageal reflux disease, I think)). My first son had it & he could clear a room with the screaming! We got him on Zantac & it was so much better. One caveat - if she does go on Zantac, make sure the dose is constantly re-calibrated as she gains weight. Often babies end up under-medicated as they get bigger.

I've also heard the first 3 foods for breastfeeding moms to eliminate are 1) dairy, 2) wheat, & 3) caffeine, for what it's worth.

Hang in there!

[Rosie Lumley]

Yes its GERD not GORD, thats sleep deprivation for you! My 5mth old had a tramatic birth and was in NICU for a month, pumping really did feel like the only thing I could actually do for her, Infact I'm still pumping cause she never did get the hang of breastfeeding! She used to cry every night for hours and feeding her was so painful for us both, Zantac has really made a huge difference. Congratulations on the birth of Olive, shes so beautiful x

[Dayna]

Sounds just like Nena. I feel for you! It was horrible. I called her dr's office and talked to the nurse. He told me that it just seemed borderline colic and there wasn't much to do. I tried taking her to a chiropractor and an acupuncturist (they don't use needled on babies, done with touching) to try to find her (and us)some relief. I was finally in one of her regular dr. appointments and her doctor started asking me some questions when she saw how Nena was moving in my arms and had been reading the notes in her chart. She shook her head and said that the nurse should have clued into acid reflux. The liquid zantac helped immediately. We had to give it to her twice a day. As a earlier poster said though, you MUST keep checking their weight because the effects of the medicine will wear off as they get heavier.

As far as your diet. My dr. said to not change anything I ate until we tried the zantac. If it didn't work then we would go that direction. Luckily for me that was the cure.

Hope this helps.

[la]

Ditto on the GERD/Zantac...it was a savior for us. Luke cried when he nursed and screamed after he ate. He never snuggled in and nursed happily; he was always squirmy and fussy. The Zantac was a godsend. I agree with whoever said make sure you up the dosage as she grows...it happens quicker than you think it might. We weaned Luke off it at 6 mo. and the reflux didn't return. Good luck! It is definitely hard when you can't help them...hang in there.

[Erin]

This is Isaac's mom, Erin. Isaac was our little micro-preemie -- you and I have emailed before. Isaac had colic. He had the difficulties that lots of micro-preemies have -- he had reflux, was a terrible eater and had to have thickened formula, was medicated for reflux, breathing, etc. He also had colic. The colic was not caused by anything else -- it's just that mysterious condition that makes babies CRY. He had unexplained crying for more than three hours a day. Actually, he did not cry as much as we actively kept him from crying. We figured out what worked for him, and if we did not actively do certain things, he would cry constantly.(a combination of swaddling, swinging, shushing, vibrating) Maybe Olive has reflux, maybe not. Maybe you should eliminate a few things from your diet, maybe not. But, from another Mom who had a baby with colic -- that's what it sounds like. Our pediatrician, a doctor of more than 30 years, told me that no one EVER understands colic until they've experienced it with their own kids. He has 4 kids. Two had colic. Two did not. The first had colic, but he did not realize the difference until his second did NOT have colic. Yeah. It's hard. We adopted our second baby in October -- He is now 3 1/2 months old. He, thankfully, does not have colic. He was a few weeks premature, and "they" say that colic usually does not hit full force until 6 weeks. I kept my fingers crossed until 8 weeks, thinking I could not handle a colicky baby again. The difference is amazing. AND, he DOES have reflux. He spits up constantly, and sometimes cries b/c it burns in his throat. BUT, he does NOT have colic -- he's just totally different than Isaac was. The point is, it sounds like Olive does have colic. It sucks, but it WILL go away soon. I have some tricks that worked for Isaac -- might or might not work for you -- email me if you want to try some of them -- emycohen at yahoo dot com.

GOOD LUCK! It goes away eventually -- I promise.

Erin

[Rosie Lumley]

I think its the connection with feeding that sounds the reflux alarm bells. Breast milk is relatively alkaline so is soothing if there is acid reflux but the more they feed the more reflux is created. Also night time is often worse because they're lying down.

[paige]

I vote for reflux. My firstborn had reflux and it took MONTHS of screaming to figure that one out. We managed to get by without meds, but now I wish I'd pushed it more.

I got off ALL dairy (including things like caramel coloring and lecithin, etc. Dairy is in every damn thing, hiding) and we found out that he did even better if I didn't eat tomatoes or broccoli, cauliflower or cabbage.

The round the clock screaming and not sleeping sound very, very familiar. I'm so sorry. And no, it's NOT normal. My other two, in comparison, were so much easier and they both had six week bouts with colic.

[Deidre]

Oh Christy, I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you and hoping that things get easier. Ugg, not matter what is wrong having a crying baby you can't consul and not being able to sleep is heart wrenching and miserable. My brother always reminds me, "this too shall pass". I'm sure it doesn't seem like it. I hope you're able to take advantage of all the friends and family nearby to give yourself a break. I know leaving your screaming baby with someone else seems like you're a "bad mom", or "asking too much", but giving yourself a mental and emotion break is important. Hang in there and I'm hoping it gets better soon.
D

[Lynn]

our first son had "colic"....he screamed horribly, had horrible diarrhea (we called him the "espresso maker" because of his diarrhea problem, as included with the screaming was the sounds of the diarrhea). "Take him for a ride in the car" "It'll stop at 3 months" (THREE MONTHS?? I thought..I'll go insane by then). So we would be out driving around at 2am..and it would help (but this was our first, so we were able to do that easily)..and suddenly, at 3 months..it stopped. And I still had my sanity!! P.S. I've read your blog for years, and am finally commenting! I love reading about you and your family. Bless you all!

[Liz the PT]

yes, yes, reflux! either reflux or some sort of trouble feeding (flow is too fast for her to manage, etc)! please, don't listen to MDs who cry colic. they don't know that much, but s/he is right, it's NOT normal to cry that much. if nursing makes it worse, it is somehow tied to feeding, guaranteed. nursing should always make it better. contact your lactation consultant (prov should have several, or talk to a midwife; they are often certified in both) and ask your pediatrician pointedly about reflux. oh dear, you poor things!

[Christy]

Gosh I love putting my thoughts out into the universe and getting so many thoughtful responses. We have talked about reflux and I'm open to natural, positional, nutritional and/or medical solutions to ease poor Olive's pain. We see the doc again next week and I will also talk to a lactation consultant this week. I do have a lot of milk (especially for a small chested gal) that sometimes comes too fast and this could be part of the problem. I gave up dairy for a week and didn't see any change. But I replaced dairy with soy and I hear they are sometimes related and that it may take more time for it to leave my system. And then there's a whole host of other possible foods...wheat, peanuts, chocolate etc. Its not always after nursing that she cries though and sometimes I think shes just adjusting to the world still and struggling a bit while also being a strong little personality...I dont know. She just started screaming as I write, Nick has her but man is it hard to concentrate when she lets loose...all for now but thanks for all the thoughts and ideas and words of support. This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass...

[Dianne]

My first son was colicky. Not fun.

Could I make a suggestion that you see a paediatric chiropractor and/or osteoptah. DEFINITELY helped us.

She is divine. Congrats!!!

[Terri]

Colic...fun. My daughter was colicky and it was hard, especially after having my first who hardly ever cried and was easy going. We eventually found a way to soothe her but she still cried, just not as hard and shortly after she turned 3 months it stopped. I wish you luck and hope little Olive is a happy all the time baby soon!

[Jessica]

ohhh someone said something about a chiroprator. If they figure out it is not reflux and she colic TRY THE CHIRO!! I took my daughter there (the one mentioned about that had to be held a funny way) when she was about 3 months old and WALAA no more witching hour or funny hold.

[Ginny]

Oh, Christy, I hope you find a solution to this soon! My daughter was also a screamer, we thought it was reflux or a dairy allergy, but sadly it was neither. She was just a screamer. :-) Good luck!

[Greta Campanale]

Hi there, just want to add that I believe the consensus is that colic sometimes can be due to other stuff- like brain over-stimulation. My understanding is that some newborns just have a tough time getting comfortable. My mom would always tell me that the first 3 months out of utero should probably be spent in utero (although we would burst!). The babies are just working out so many things: digestion, breathing, brain, etc. Anyway, although it seems like a long time, many babies seem to get much better when they hit 12 weeks. I went through this with Stella and I remember she wouldn't fall asleep until 1am and you had to walk, you couldn't sit or even do the rocking chair. She really turned a corner at 12 weeks. As you are saying, this too shall pass. Perhaps you can find comfort in knowing that it's fairly common. Hang in there.

[la]

Christy - Not only did Luke have reflux, but I had something called, maybe overactive let down???? It's amazing how quickly one forgets...at the time it all seemed so terrible, and now I can't remember what it was called. Anyway, I read a bunch about it and adjusted the way I nursed and a few other things. This, along with the zantac helped.
xoxo

[Jaki]

Have you heard of or tried "Gripe Water". I have never heard of this but I just read on my friend's facebook page that has a new baby with colic and was at the end of her rope tried it...upon suggestions from others that have used it....and she said it was like a miracle! I guess you can buy it anywhere....

[Emily]

I never figured out what made my oldest son cry so much. When he was really tiny, tight swaddling sometimes calmed him, but mostly I just had to wait him out. He was healthy and gained weight on schedule, but his infancy was definitely a struggle. He's thirteen now and, happily, doesn't remember any of the nights when he screamed continuously from midnight to 3:00 a.m., as well as much of the rest of the day and night. Motherhood is for the brave!

[Beth]

I have two kids and BOTH suffered horribly with colic. Each kid had their own "comfort" thing. For my son it was the hair dryer, for my daughter I had to wear her in a sling during her crying jags. The vaccuum or hair dryer any type of constant noise seems to help for some reason. If everyone else can handle it try putting her in her car seat and running the hair dryer near by. Good luck, I stopped at two BECAUSE of colic!

[Amanda Warner]

Christy,
We have this hilarious video of the first few months of our first daughter's life. In it there is not a single shot (seriously) of a smiling happy awake baby. There are a few precious ones of her sleeping, but all the rest are of her screaming and my husband and I looking like exhausted zombie parents. Our doctor called it colic too, and I also think her strong willed personality played into it a bit. At the time we lived in a place called Point Roberts, and had to cross US/Canada borders four times a day (always in the early morning or late evening - the witching hours) with her ear piercing screams coming from the back seat(car rides only worked for her about half the time) and more than once customs workers took us for interrogation figuring we had done something horrible to her. Today, seven years later, she is our mini pack leader, our science loving, ballet dancing, spanish speaking, piano playing, rock collecting go-getter. But man, looking back at that video, we wern't sure we were going to make it! Hang in there!

[Erin]

You probably don't need any more suggestions, but have you read "The Happiest Baby on the Block" -- it's one of the things that helped us figure out the best way to help Isaac.

Erin

[Mary Elizabeth]

I like the baby whisperer.

[JenniferB]

OH I am so sorry -- it does sound like you have lots of love though and just know that it will pass. It doesn't feel like this stage will ever leave, but it will. I promise.

[Christy]

love love love all your shared wisdom. And compassion. My doc gave me a handout from The Happiest Kid on the Block so I know about the five s's and have been trying them all. She's had some better nights lately but some fussy mornings and evenings...no magic trick yet. Though I find her crying less emotional for me at least.

[DiVaughn]

OK I'm kind of coming in late to this. Evan never had reflux, so I'm not sure of all the details, but I know if you try to keep her upright after feedings (30 minutes? 45?) that can help. Also see if you can get her a wedge to sleep on, or raise the head of her crib if she sleeps there yet. You could also try letting her sleep in her car seat or swing if she has one.

You might also try keeping a diary of what you eat and when she does the screaming and arching (totally typical reflux symptoms). Note things like spicy or bland food, milk, soy, etc. I was off dairy for a week, too, not for reflux but for NEC-like symptoms related to Evan's immature digestive system. I was told later that to make sure all the lactose and caesin is out of your system, you need to try it for two weeks. It's incredibly tough (even the birth control pills they gave me had lactose!!) so don't feel compelled to try it...and don't feel bad that one week might not have been enough. You might also try eating yogurt, you might pass the probiotic on to her.

Hang in there Cristy! If you have to get Olive Zantac or something to get her over the hump, go for it! You might be amazed at what a happy family looks like. :)