Elias first saw Olive on Saturday, a day after she was born. (The day of her birth I was in no shape for visitors) He walked into our hospital room, with both sets of grandparents and Cuzuncle David, stopped when he saw me lying down in the center of the cramped room, turned to his Nana and said, "I want to go home."
His lower lip quivered.
The scene, in his five-year-old eyes, didn't match the anticipatory talk about the arrival of his baby sister that had been going on for months. When we showed him Olive he said, "Aw cute," with as much enthusiasm as a student saying "here" during roll call, rehearsed, monotone, just an echo of the adult words he'd heard over the years when they leaned over babies.
His next words were: "I want to go for a walk."
Nick and I had to ask for hugs and kisses as he seemed reluctant to leave the familiar attention of his grandparents, unsure suddenly of his Mom and Dad in this sterile medical environment, with this strange small creature in their arms. Why did we leave him for that?
During every visit he spent more time in the hallway reading room numbers than he did with his new family of four. I shared some of the more Kodak moments of Elias holding Olive but this next picture better captures Elias's enthusiasm for his sister:
Every morning Elias asked to come to the hospital to visit us, but once he arrived he wanted to leave.
On one of his final visits, I asked him to climb up next to me in my bed so we could snuggle. He leaned in and asked in a soft voice, "When are you coming home?" And then he fell into me and sniffed my neck. His way of saying: I really do miss you Mommy.
We had just turned his stable world upside down.
Since we've been home, he's only head-butted Olive once, elbowed her in the back of the head once, and pushed into her once. Not bad. And not on purpose.
Like most five-year-old boys, he's a kid in motion, without much body awareness. Add in the Cerebral Palsy that affects his grated movements and balance, as well as his lack of visual acuity and well, he's an accident in action.
When I watch him navigate our new house, with its hardwood and tile floors, multiple corners and sharp edges, my heart isn't merely in my throat its thumping around behind him as he walks, willing him not to fall, as I sit glued to the couch, helpless, with baby lips on my nipple.
I can't catch you, I think.
And depending on my level of exhaustion, sometimes these words come with a cloud of frustration directed towards my little boy who can't help it but to stumble and weave as he walks unassisted across his new space.
Oh my god I can't believe you just fell again. Why can't you be steady? Why can't you be still?
And I know its not him that really frustrates me but the challenges he lives with and my inability to make them go away. I'm the all powerful mom after all. I should know what makes Olive scream in the middle of the night and be able to comfort her with a caress and I should make my son's muscles behave. Kiss his head and fix the damage to his brain.
At the very least I should cushion the corners and leap across the room to catch him when he falls.
But no. I can just watch. As I tie a string to my heart so I don't lose it completely as he makes his way in this world on his own.
Since we moved into our new home, almost two weeks ago, Elias hasn't used his canes in the house. And our abode may not be huge but its a 1400 square foot ranch, twice the size of our old house, not counting the basement. When I'm in a better head space I look at him in awe. Overjoyed.
He walks. Unsteady and with horrible posture but unassisted. He even turns corners and changes directions. And he can stand up now from the floor without holding onto a desk or a chair.
And he can walk carrying something so that he can sometimes be the big helper he wants to be. Bringing me a diaper. Or a muffin.
"How old is your son?" People often wondered after asking me if I was pregnant with my first.
"He's five."
"Oh that's great-- he's old enough to help you with the baby."
"Well.."
Hes not really five I'd think. Or he still needs so much help.
If you only knew...
And yet in many ways they were right. Elias may not be able to help as much as other kindergartners, but his desire to help keeps growing as he asserts himself as a big boy. And as we let him be one.
"What can I get for you?" he asked me the other day.
"Here's your nursing pad Mom," he says whenever he finds a stray one on the couch. (And there's always a stray one on the couch.)
He loves throwing Olive's diapers in the diaper pail. And helping me "organize" her room. He wants to help with his sister, even if he's still not sure about this new addition to our family, and whether or not he really wants to share our attention with her,
Almost everyday he asks me why we wanted a baby. Or why she came out of my belly. And we have multiple conversations about all the things Elias did as a baby, just like Olive. Or unlike her. And we talk about everything he can do that she can't. Eat ice cream. Go to school. Walk to the park.
Use his words
(Sometimes.)
When we packed up to go to the store yesterday, he wanted to leave Olive at home. "Do we ever leave you home alone?' Nick asked.
"No," he responded.
"Well, we can't leave Olive home alone-- its not safe."
"Yeah, lets do it," he said as he bounced up and down with a big grin. "Lets do it!"
Last night, he lay on his mat building a house with his Lego-like-but-bigger linking blocks. "I'm building a house just for me," he said, "Just for boys and dogs."
"No Mommy's or Daddy's?" I asked.
"No."
"What about babies?" I asked, expecting him to say no.
"Yeah babies. There's a baby in there right now," he said, surprising me.
"Really?"
"Yeah and I'm building a fence so she can never ever ever ever get out."
Ahhhh...
*****
Deep breath.
I wrote the first part of this post earlier today, in pieces, but Olive didn't let me finish it. Maybe she knew I'd have another anecdote to share. Not an accident this time.
Elias asked to hold Olive tonight. She was hungry and just starting to fuss so I said he could hold her quickly but then I'd need to feed her. He sat in a chair and I supported Olive in his arms. He put his head against hers. "Ah, that's a nice snuggle, " I said.
And then he hugged her. Or what I thought was a hug.
But it was more of a death grip.
Olive shrieked.
"Elias, Let go now," I demanded.
But instead of releasing her, he squeezed his baby sister even tighter as he gritted his teeth. I pulled Olive from his arms as Nick yanked Elias from the seat and brought him to his room for a time out.
So yes, Elias has words and Olive doesn't. But he doesn't have the emotional vocabulary to express his anxiety and jealousy that stems from the arrival of his sister.
But I mean, really, do any of us have the ability to express these complicated emotions? Haven't we all wanted to hug a family member a little too tight?
Or to build our very own house where no one could disrupt our world?
Oh, my. This must be such an emotionally complicated time for Elias I imagine. He's striving to be so independent while still wanting to be your baby.
I remember my mother telling me that my next oldest sister tried to cosh me on the head with a fireplace poker one time while mom was nursing me. We laugh about it forty-some odd years later but I imagine she felt very much like Elias does right now.
It'll change with time. I'm sure you already do, but try to make some special time just for him so he gets a bit of he emotional relief he seeks.
Posted by: Niksmom | 01/12/2010 at 03:45 AM
This post brought back so many memories for me. Hopefully it is comforting to know that Elias' reaction to Olive's arrival is so typical. You'd be worried if he wasn't acting like this! Just remember that Olive is not as fragile as you think and having a big brother will just make her a tough little cookie like her momma. I mean that in the best sense. It is hard to accept that you are responsible for rocking his world, but Olive will be a playmate and confidant for the rest of his life. It just starts out slowly!
Posted by: fleming | 01/12/2010 at 05:10 AM
I have a picture of my older sister "holding me" -- she is grinning her head off, the hugest smile you could ever see and I am screaming HARD, because she had me in a neck choke hold. She was 2, I was a newborn. My Mom had posed us so she could snap the picture, and then as she was taking it, sis tightened the hold. I have watched my kids do it, and I know my sister's kids have done it to their younger sibs too. It's tough to watch and deal with, but that uncertainty and unconscious competition will fade as time passes and he realizes you are still his Mommy and Daddy too and you still love him tons. It will just take time.
Posted by: JenniferB | 01/12/2010 at 08:01 AM
Oh it helps to hear all your stories! Thank you. A fireplace poker--Niksmother,your sister knew how to pick a dangerous weapon!
Elias and Nick have been having lost of outside time together and I try to spend special time snuggling with him both in the morning and at night but of course he always seems to want my attention right when I'm trying to nurse, and Olive is a good eater but it can still take her awhile to latch on, especially when she's all worked up. And Elias leaning on me too makes it even harder so I feel like Im constantly saying, "I need a little space". That and "careful".
I know it will get better. Especially as Olive and I both get sturdier. (And Flem you are right, she's not so fragile.) I'm feeling better each day, besides the sleep deprivation, so hopefully soon I can romp in the snow with him too. And hopefully his feelings will work their way out without anyone getting hurt and with him knowing how much we love him.
Posted by: Christy | 01/12/2010 at 08:55 AM
oooh - the ambivalent older brother. For what it's worth, our entirely typical nearly-13 year old Hannah still struggles with being the older sibling of a kid like Toby - and has her own demons to deal with about it (largely revolving around feeling slighted in the attention department - which really is a lot like what Elias is probably feeling at the moment). The other side (that she doesn't always remember, and that Elias has yet to discover) is how much extra he gets by having a sibling and specifically by being the first. Love grows - as you say - but not without it's own growing pains.
I adore that ambivalent picture - it's just awesome :)
Posted by: Sara | 01/12/2010 at 10:45 AM
Man, love is complicated. I still struggle with jealousy towards my baby sister. I'm 27 and she's 25. And she's my best friend. :) I guess you'll all muddle your way through. You all have good heads on your shoulders. Even (especially) Elias. Keep up the good work! :)
Posted by: Courtney | 01/12/2010 at 11:41 AM
True confession. I'm one of 5. My older brother is 10 years ahead and as a kid I worshiped the ground he walked on, I still kinda do. My little sister is 10 years younger than I am, and she totally hung the moon. I loved her from the first second I saw her and that feeling has been pretty unrelenting. My little brother totally brings out the protecter in me and always has. My step-sister is five years younger and came along when I was 10. I totally lost my cool. I would put paint in her hairbrush and tooth brush. At one point I stole my little sister's favorite stuffed animal and hid it in my step-sister's room to frame her. I would pretend to still like toys or games that I really hated only because I didn't want her to have them. She was learning English and I would teach her the wrong words or dirty words saying they meant something else so that she'd get in trouble in school. We got in a slapping fight complete with hair pulling and screaming at my dad's bosses house. I was 150% rotten towards her. It took at least 3 years for everyone to calm down. We're friends now and I've totally apologized, but making a family is never easy. Transitioning from being the center of attention to having to share the spotlight is rough. It sounds like you and Nick are doing a great job explaining and giving Elias his own time. I'm sure he'll come around when Olive can interact with him, right now she's not a lot of fun for a 5 year old, totally cute, but the stuff adults find cute 5 year old boys find boring. Hang in there, and thanks for the update!
Posted by: Deidre | 01/12/2010 at 02:24 PM
I am 5 years older than my brother, too. When he started talking, I think I asked my mom if she could take him back :)
Posted by: Jamie | 01/12/2010 at 03:03 PM
It does cause a twinge when my older son (3.5) says something about his 1-year old brother like, "N. needs to stay home" or "Me not like N.!" Even though I understand exactly why he says it and try to give him concentrated time just the two of us. When you love both your children so much, you want them to love each other, too...but it's never that easy. And even less so when you are 4 or 5!
Posted by: Nicole | 01/12/2010 at 03:04 PM
My son is freshly three, and my newest baby girl is one, and daily, I have to pry his loving arms from her neck as he gives her his "hugs." She is learning how to defend herself from him a little, but mostly she just laughs and laughs when he smothers her. At first though, when she was tiny and breakable, we would scold him and try to show him how to hold her gently. He never really caught on to that, and prefers to love his sister ferociously. Just now he declared to me that he loves his sister a lot more when she is in the other room while he plays with his trains, and yet in every single car ride, he holds her hand and sings her songs. :)
Posted by: Amanda Warner | 01/12/2010 at 03:09 PM
Oh man!!! I love this picture!!! Don't u just want to give him a big hug and kiss! Personally, as the oldest sibling of 4 there r still days my 42 yr old sister can make me feel like that, I think his reaction is completely appropriate! Congratulations, Olive is adorable! I hated to hear u had such a rough time, I imagine Nick and the rest of your family were scared beyond belief. I think the whole pregnancy thing is a huge game of Russian Roulette, you spin the wheel and hope for the best. Is it my imagination or does Olive strongly resemble Nick?
Posted by: kelly o | 01/12/2010 at 07:58 PM
Does Elias like to be read to?? Ben always wanted be on top of me whenever I sat down to nurse. Reading to him was one of the few things I could do while feeding her. Turning it into our "reading time" was the only thing that saved both our sanity.
Posted by: Brooke | 01/12/2010 at 09:48 PM
I second Brooke's statement, or I try to go to another room to nurse if the boys dad is home so I am out of sight out of mind. Also, have you tried asking Elias if he would like to be called your big boy or your baby boy ? I have used this trick with each of my kids this go around and it seems to help them calm down a little and reassure them.
I'll say: "Curtice, are you baby Curtice or big boy Curtice today?". and sometimes he'll yell, " I"M NOT A BABY! I'M A BIG BOY" and run off, but other times he'll laugh and say, "i'm baby Curtice" so i'll pick him up, cuddle him in a cradle hold (as best i can he is 4.5) and say: "oh baby Curtice, your so sweet. your my super baby, you can talk and walk and oh look at little super baby... arn't you the cutest baby in the whole world, your so sweet..." etc until we are both giggling. it seems to help him a little get the whole you'll always be my baby and i love you thing.
Of course, the first 12-36 weeks are the hardest and once Olive hits 6mos and can start sitting up and playing slightly independently and you have healed, and are getting some sleep the whole world starts to look up... I keep reminding myself to try and enjoy the little baby age, our last, Johnston, was born on the 17th of December. But, with the other three kids its so hard... just when the baby sleeps the best 6 or 7 am to 10 to 11 am, the other boys are at their widest awake, loudest, want mommy to play time... oh to see 4 hours of sleep, in a row....
Posted by: Mary Elizabeth | 01/13/2010 at 11:22 AM
I remember my friend, when she had her second child, telling me that one day she yelled at her 4 year old son "Do you want a mother that hits you?!" This was after he had woken up his sleeping sister for the millionth time that day. So, I'd say you're doing great so far keeping your cool!
I love and admire your open honesty.. plus, even exhausted and brain-drained, you're an excellent writer.
I have faith Elias' opinion of Olive will turn around, and in the meantime, he's lucky to have such understanding, compassionate parents who unconditionally love him (even if you did upset his world).
Posted by: Emily | 01/15/2010 at 06:27 PM
All these little tips make me want to give one of my own. Try making Olive 'talk' to Elias. I did this with my Holly and Jimmy. I'd make Holly say things like "Hey, brudder! You're the best big brudder! Gimme a kiss!" And he'd laugh and kiss her. Or I'd pretend I could tell what she was saying when she babbled. I'd tell him she was saying he was so smart and she couldn't wait for him to teach her all the things he knew. He loved it and I think it made hime think of her as a whole person not just a blob. They're 19 months and 4 now and they're two peas in a pod. They scrap, but they do have a deep and abiding love and friendship.
Posted by: Courtney | 01/16/2010 at 07:40 PM