The Power of a Smile

Your comments always help.

This line from my old friend Duffy put my feelings into words: "It sounds horrible, but I loved her because she was mine...but I didn't like her right away."

This past week, as Olive nursed and pulled off and screamed, and nursed and pulled off and screamed, I found myself looking at her like: Who is this needy unhappy child?

Where did she come from? What did I get myself into?

When she slept I'd look down at her small face and feel a surge of unspeakable love. So beautiful. So precious. So perfect.

When her face scrunched and turned red and her scream hit that high pitch that causes Elias to grit his teeth and cover his ears I'd think, "You're not so attractive. Or lovable. Or fun..."

When the screaming on Sunday night lasted hours I'd hand her to Nick--I'm done--only to reclaim her moments later convinced that I'd be able to calm her down this time.

I'm her mama after all. With breasts to soothe. Arms to comfort. A born nurturer.

But no.

More screams. Frantic now. With my own tears mixing with hers.

On Tuesday, I met with a lactation consultant; and convinced I have an over-abundance of milk that is causing her stomach aches she encouraged me to feed on one side at a time, while reclining, with Olive in the football hold.

And when my grumpy daughter finished nursing, she smiled and smiled and cooed like the model Gerber baby who would never think of screaming for three hours straight.

So beautiful. So precious. So attractive. So lovable. So fun.

This new feeding method hasn't turned out to be the miracle cure it seemed to be yesterday morning when I left the appointment, she still grew frantic last night and screamed on and off for almost an hour, but that's better than three hours.

And she slept for two three hour periods last night, giving me some much needed rest.

So today, we both found reasons to smile.

Comments

[Faye]

Yay for sleep!

She's adorable Christy. And I mean it...really adorable. I can't wait to see her (and you!) again. I'll be sending thoughts of sleep your way.

[Niksmom]

That smile would make me forget all the screaming and crying, too! Gorgeous.

I hesitate to mention it becase, well, no mom ever wants to think about this stuff as you know, butif the feeding-related screaming continues or she starts to throw up after each feed...ask to have her checked for either hernia or intestinal malrotation. The latter occurs in about 2% of the population and can go completely undetected (if it's a mirror image but has no kinks in intestines) or can cause significant feeding an gut issues. My Nik had so many feeding issues while in the NICU and after and was finally diagnosed just before his first birthday; it saved his life as his was developing into a volvulus.

I'm not saying Olive *has* this...just tuck it away in your mind in case the problems persist and cannot be resolved, she has slow weight gain, food/formula intolerance, etc.

[Sunny]

Parenting can be so challenging at times, but man, those smiles make every challenge worth it.

Glad to hear you're getting some rest as well!

[Kris H.]

OMG! That smile! LOVE IT!

[lisa]

My first daughter screamed. And screamed. And screamed. And it always felt like she was screaming AT me, especially in the middle of the night and especially when nothing I did could ever soothe her. Then at 16 weeks she started sleeping through the night and became an absolute dream. It's so nice once you can love them AND enjoy them at the same time in more than passing moments!

[bec]

Oh, my heart is melting with that grin. These first weeks are just grueling, there's no getting around it. So much more so with colic. You are doing a beautiful job, and it will keep getting better. Hang in there.

[Greta Campanale]

I'm convinced that evolution is responsible for smiling being one of the first developmental accomplishments. Dare I say we need these needy beings to show us a visible sign of happiness, satisfaction, love in order to keep caring for them? I hope she gives you more and more smiles.

[Angie (formerly AngieinNYC at parents.com)]

I have no advice, no tips or "been there done that" solidarity to speak of. But I am reading and thinking of you and am quietly sitting with you in spirit.

[Sara]

Awww - that is the best grin! There is no "magic" resolution to any parenting stress - but that's AWESOME that it's at least better.

[fleming]

How old is Olive again? That smile is so huge! She already seems so big to me. Amazing what an additional hour or two of sleep can do for the soul. Keep it up Olive!

[Carolyn]

I will be smiling all day after seeing these. I am glad some sleep has crept back into your lives. You and Nick are sooo patient and persistent and your good hearts will be rewarded.

[Ginna]

cutie patootie! glad things are working well with the new feeding strategy! and btw, that is one rockin' outfit. I think it's OK for little girls to wear pink if they can pull it off with style like that....

[Brooke]

Wait!! Was there a baby somewhere in those photos??!? Guess that's what it looks like when you have a baby in Alaska in the winter!!

[Christy]

Fleming, she is six weeks tomorrow, all nine pounds of her!

And my oh my was it nice to have her smile at me after nursing and show me a tiny sign of content...or is it appreciation I needed? A positive response to all this giving?

And Brooke she does have wonderful fat rolls hiding under all those layers, another plus for Alaska winters.

And yes, no magic answer, she's been fussy again today, not horrible but gassy and uncomfortable even with my new nursing tricks. moment to moment with brighter days ahead.

[Shelley]

I so remember the "not liking him very much" feeling. I was afraid to say it out loud....
But now, I hardly remember that feeling since it has been replaced with the greatest boys ever. Just one more voice saying--it will get better.

[Vicki]

oh, Christy, what a dear sweet smile
Mother nature made babies cute so we can tolerate their infancy.
As you sit there in the middle of the night rocking her while she screams, with your tears mixing with hers, remember that there is a long line of mothers stretching far back into the past, and into the future, who have "been there, done that." It's a bitch, for sure.

Vicki

[pixiemama]

I know it's really, really hard. I had two young boys and still wanted a girl BADLY. When she was born, my then 2.5-year-old was going through a really rough patch, that included screaming because all the baby did, from 4 p.m. until 3 a.m., was scream. And projectile vomit. And scream.

Later, my son was diagnosed with autism, and I knew the timing of Sophie's birth could not possibly have been worse.

But yes, that smile. That will keep you going for a while.

[Lynn]

Bringing home baby #2 really "puts you in your place"...I remember thinking, as #2 arched his back and refused to nurse "..and I WANTED this???", and feeling guilty 'cause I didn't really like him at times. Thinking I had an alien on my hands at the first projectile vomiting episode. It all got better at 3 months. It all comes to pass, you will get through it...I did, and suddenly I have 2 boys who are 21 and 25 years old!! It really helps to have a supportive hubby (as you and I both do)who is right beside you all the way...imagine those who don't have that.

[Sharon]

I'm so sorry she is colicky. My daughter was and it was SO hard. Some days I was in such a fog from lack of sleep. It DOES get better You are doing a wonderful job. She will appreciate it someday. And that grin...wow she is beautiful!

[JenniferB]

Oh, her sweet smile is wonderful! Keep hanging on -- you've got such amazing strength!