You cringe as you step on the brake, knowing the lack of motion will only intensify her cries. Come on green, you think, as you gently pump the gas pedal, hoping to somehow rock the car as you wait, anything to calm her a little, to quiet the persistent wails. You look in the rear view mirror but she's still too small to see.
"Sorry she's so loud," you tell your son, who sits across from her in the backseat. He looks down, puts his hands over his ears, and says nothing.
"She's crying because she's hungry," you say.
"She's crying because she's hungry," he repeats.
"Yep." You push the accelerator a little too quickly, eager for movement when the light turns green.
As you pass Roger's Park, the volume of her cry leaps to a high pitched scream, and you look back to see Elias reaching over, his hand in her car-seat, but blocked from your view.
"Elias what are you doing?" you ask as your heart speeds up with the car, "Get your hand out of her car seat! Elias get your hand out NOW!!!"
He doesn't respond so you reach back and grab his hand with yours, and continue to drive like this, your left hand on the wheel, your right arm strained backwards at the shoulder, your six-year-old's fingers locked in yours.
And you don't let go until you turn onto 20th, three blocks from home.
"Elias what were you doing to your sister?" you ask, as you squat in your driveway beside his car door.
No response.
"Were you trying to help your sister or hurt your sister?" You wait for him to reply.
And he looks towards you, his eyes roaming in your direction, an attempt at eye contact from a little boy whose brain can't control the movement of his eyes. "I was trying to help her stop crying."
Oh sweetie.
"How, by squeezing her?" you ask, as you've already seen the red marks on her face, the fingernail slice underneath her eye.
But he was trying to help her...
"Yeah," he says and looks away. He takes the string from his hat and puts it in his mouth.
"Elias, it is never OK to squeeze your sister's face." You put your hand on his chin, try to get him to look in your direction again, "You hurt her, do you understand, you hurt her."
He looks straight ahead, biting on the orange and blue string, showing no emotional response to your words.
And this is where you lose it.
For you understand his urge to squeeze Olive's face to shut her up, to "help her" stop crying, there's nothing more grating than incessant screams while strapped in a small vessel that is not under your control, he's chronologically six, but developmentally delayed, so he doesn't have the cognizance to know that this too shall pass-- I mean hell, you struggle at times to remember that the air won't always be charged with the sound of her cries--but you want him to react to her pain.
You want him to care that he hurt her; you've seen a two-year-old feel sorry for the tears he inflicted and you want your son to do more than stare straight ahead and chew on his hat string.
You want to know he will be able to respond to the emotions of others.
You want him to be OK.
And by OK you don't mean fully-sighted or capable of walking with grace, you don't mean with the lungs of an athlete or the dexterity of a musician, you mean with the emotional intelligence to relate to others. To build relationships. To make friends. To fall in love.
And yes, he is only six. And not even six.
And the road ahead is long, it twists and it turns and no one knows where it goes but today you wish you could see where it leads, just a glimpse, just to know.
Oh, my sweet lady.
Your poor worried mind.
Hugs to you and to both your small people.
Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family | 03/04/2010 at 11:27 AM
Oh, oh, oh....How frustrating and scary for all of you. I work with kids like Elias and I have absolute faith that he will get it, but it's so difficult for you all in the mean time.
We had a couple of e-mails in the past as you were planning the move to this blog address. I might be able to help with some resources if you are interested.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Posted by: bec | 03/04/2010 at 12:03 PM
I'm so sorry - what a scary, upsetting and overwhelming an experience that must have been. It is awful to have a screaming baby while you are driving (shreds the nerves) and add the worry that she is going to be hurt...it's a hard situation.
I don't know what kind of car you are driving, but could you rig something up between them? Nothing heavy - a sheet pulled tight and high enough to keep hands from reaching? We ended up with a minivan because Arthur was 2 when Ethan was born and I didn't want Arthur to be able to reach the babe.
You're so right about Elias's ability to know that this time will pass - he's too little to get that concept.
Posted by: Heather | 03/04/2010 at 12:23 PM
I am so sorry. I have no words or ideas to help address Elias' anger, though I can certainly sympathize with the frustration on both of your parts.
However, as for not being able to see Olive, have you tried one of the mirrors you can put on your back seat's headrest? Like this: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2402035. We can see our baby fairly well by glancing at the rearview mirror that way, but it's not in the way enough to be a distraction. At least you'd be able to see if there's a problem in the back.
Posted by: Kim | 03/04/2010 at 01:11 PM
Yikes.
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Beer.
Chocolate.
(fingers crossed those are allowed on your elimination diet)
Posted by: Brooke | 03/04/2010 at 01:15 PM
Scary and frustrating. I've driven many miles holding my Nik's hands the same way to keep hiim from hitting himself.
I've been mulling over your last two posts. I don't recall if Elias receives any sensory-based OT; what you've described in these posts makes me think so keenly of a sensory processing issue —DEFINITELY NOT A VIOLENT CHILD. The intolerance for the crying, the hard squeezing of Tonz (and of poor Olive!).
Have you explored sensory processing disorder (SPD)? There are many books and websites out there which can explain it better than I can. (Carol Stock Kranowitz is the "founder" or developer of SPD treatments. http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/ and http://www.comeunity.com/disability/sensory_integration/carol-kranowitz.html) It sounds like Elias has difficulty in gauging how much strength he needs to use and that he may have some auditory sensitivities, too. There are lots of things you can do at home to help with this.
Ask your OT about a "sensory diet" of activities which can help Elias with proprioception, vestibular and auditory regulation. Sensory-based therapy has made a *world* of difference for my son, Nik.
Posted by: Niksmom | 03/04/2010 at 01:23 PM
my thoughts are with you. be sure to continue to take care of yourself at other times, and deep breaths. valerie
Posted by: valerie | 03/04/2010 at 01:31 PM
I learn so much from your other readers! Angus too has a very difficult time with agressive, impulsive, rough play. I know he is different in this way from most of his classmates yet sounds similar to Elias. Instead of worrying about them being "different" from those around them, maybe for tonight we could just relax and realize that there is someone else out there (however many states separate us) just like our little boy in this way. They are on their own journeys after all. Perhaps empathy is born out of nurture and not nature......I guess I have more nurturing to do.
Posted by: fleming | 03/04/2010 at 02:30 PM
Oh, Christy: sending good and calming vibes through the ether toward you all. Good for you for talking about the challenges--we need to share stories of the hard times (as well as the adorable times and the happy times and the hard/adorable allatonce times). Your friends have your back as you muddle along, getting to know both your kids better daily and slowly figuring out how to help them navigate their new world.
Posted by: Susan | 03/04/2010 at 05:35 PM
All 3 of my kids have done the "blank stare" when I try to explain they hurt someone else. Not all the time, but they do that on occasion, more often than I'd like (my squirrely 2 year old actually laughs). That's when we try to talk about empathy a little more often for a while, in different situations (not just when they're in trouble for not having any), and they do learn...a little bit....until next time and we talk about it some more ;) It's a start-stop/learning process for all parents. In fact for all PEOPLE-- I don't always feel sorry for hurting others in the moment I'm frustrated either.
It may seem slower progress for your family at times, but keep teaching Elias how to love and it will sink in and pay off.
Posted by: Kit | 03/04/2010 at 05:56 PM
My wonderful, sweet, caring, emotionally intelligent husband deliberately dropped his newborn sister on the floor when he was 5 because he was so mad about her disrupting his family life. He had asked and asked to hold her, and when she was a week old they finally let him, and as soon as his weight was in his arms, he just pulled them back and she hit the floor.
At the time he refused to apologize or admit it was on purpose and his mom was sure she was raising a sociopath, but he was just a freaked out/pissed off kid trying to make a problem go away.
I'm keeping this anonymous b/c my husband doesn't like me telling stories about him on the web where he can be identified. Hope the story is a helpful data point on what little sh*ts kids can be in the moment, and still turn out just fabulous
Posted by: Anon | 03/04/2010 at 06:33 PM
I am so sorry this is happening. I have no expertise at all, but have certainly seen children anyone would describe as typical who refuse to acknowledge that they may have hurt someone, even though they probably do know that they have.
However, could you put mittens on Elias in the car, maybe attached with safety pins so he can't take them off? Tell him they are helping him until Olive grows enough to stop crying or he is able to accept it better. Explain that he would feel very bad if he hurt her by accident, so this will help both of them. I am sure he will not like mittens, but maybe it's worth a try. Even if he might not feel sorry, treating him as though he would might help bring the point home. Only a thought--I really don't have useful experience for you. But I have certainly felt personally attacked by a crying child, and it took all my adult self to get through it.
And since I am giving out advice, I advise treating yourself as kindly as you can. I think you are doing very well indeed.
Posted by: Sarah | 03/05/2010 at 06:09 AM
agh. This too shall pass...
As others have said, I learn so much from you and your little boy.
Posted by: Heather | 03/05/2010 at 09:29 AM
It occurred to me today when Evan (9) asked why Helen Keller was famous...that she was horrible to her baby sister, too. She was disabled and selfish, and just didn't have a frame of reference. Obviously she didn't stay that way! :) Hang in there, I pray you'll find balance soon.
Posted by: DiVaughn | 03/05/2010 at 10:33 PM
Emotions are hard. Very hard. Especially for people with language delays. I know you long to see Elias' emotional reactions now, but the Elias that we all knew and loved (via your stories), before little miss came along, had empathy, compassion and the truest understand of love. He'll get back to being that boy.
Posted by: Emily | 03/06/2010 at 04:37 PM
It gets easier. Truly. You have a great fighting spirit, so hang in there and you will reap the rewards later.
Posted by: TA | 03/07/2010 at 05:43 AM
A few months ago Marco (6) would have reacted to Magnus (2) acting out in a confined space like a car by solidly slapping him and being totally unrepentant afterwards. Today he actually tried calming his brother. The hugs and I love yous are also getting more frequent. We made the mistake of overreacting somewhat initially and it caused resentment and -when Magnus split his eyebrow open after falling - terrible nighmares and fears. We expect siblings to feel the same way about a baby as we do as parents (and it's even hard for us sometimes), but first Elias will have to get to know Olive, then negotiate his way around finding a new place and role for himself and only then will liking and love occur. Hang in there!
Posted by: Nelba | 03/07/2010 at 12:06 PM
Oh, I just want to add that my sister was born when I was Elias' age. She was also not a happy baby. Lactose intolerant and screaming for what felt like 24/7. I remember quite strongly that I hated her. I called her "that THING on Mommy's lap." (We're dissimilar, so we have our disagreements even today, but we do love each other.)
Posted by: Nelba | 03/11/2010 at 01:25 AM