"But he's such a happy kid..."

"He's so sweet," the nurse said at Elias's last doctor visit. I smiled as I handed him his canes.

My sweet little Elias, where art thou?

Today during kindergarten he knocked over Dominic's tower and stole Jayna's toys, earning himself a time out.

When our new neighbors came over for brunch on Sunday he grabbed his wooden car out of two-year-old Owen's hands and later pushed him out of the way by the window. At the end of the visit he gave Owen what at first appeared to be a hug but was really more of a squeeze with a head lock.

"When are you going to leave?" he asked our guests.

And I want to say that his onset of aggressive behaviors is a direct result of the birth of his sister, that he's anxious and jealous and taking it out on other kids, and yet even before she arrived I worried about his treatment of Tonz, our pup. He seemed to be grimacing more, grinding his teeth and reaching out not to pet but to harm.

Whenever we try to discuss his actions, he shows little emotional connection to his behavior. No empathy.

And I hope beyond hope that this a new developmental stage, just delayed, and not another "disorder". 

And I realize how much I have relied on his easy-going temperament--but he's such a happy kid-- to buffer the disappointment of each new diagnosis. And I'm not quite ready to let go of this well-worn rope that held me up when nothing else could.

And even as I write this, I can hear the voices--he's going to be OK, this is normal, don't worry so much--and I wish I knew how to keep my mind from preparing for the worst, from diving into the darkest holes just to see if I can swim.

And yes, I still want to hear that he is going to be OK, that indeed he already is.

Comments

[Nelba]

Boys will be boys?

[Duffy]

Christy, you had the world's most easy-going, non-tempermental kid for 6 years. Welcome to typical childhood! Ummm...this happens to me every day from at least one of my kids! It's a phase. Have you ever read any Louise Bates Ames books on child deveolopment? They are from the 60's - Understanding Your 3 Year Old etc. I've read parts of them and basically the point she makes a lot is when kids go through a lot of growth-developmentally, socially, etc., they tend to act up more, since there's so much going on in their brains. Once they are used to these new strengths, they calm down for a while. It usually happens right at our breaking point, when parents don't know whether they can take it another day! It's actually quite interesting-and I like the old fashioned advice that is given. I think it's great that Elias is expressing himself so well. And really, I don't know many 6 year olds that show a whole lot of empathy!

[Deidre]

I think I've said this before, but it always helps to hear that this is totally normal. I spent all of 1st grade and good portion of K on the "wall" for my behaviour. My parents were splitting up and I was horrible. I remember tripping my best friend as he came into the reading circle, I would pull kids' chairs out before they sat down, I totally acted out. I know Elias is already on therapy overload but maybe he can see a kid's counsellor who can help him understand and process his emotions. When I went it was a lot of play therapy, but it was also a time where I had an hour with undivided attention that wasn't part of everyday life. Just a thought. It's a lot of changes for Elias, new sister, new house, that's a lot for a 6 year old to process. Hang in there Christy!

[fleming]

It is hard to understand. I worry about it every day since I didn't have 6 years of mild temperament beforehand. Elias is the way he is and these manifestations of change in his life will surely settle down. I am not a doctor but everything about his personality does not suggest that his recent behavior is here to stay. When I think about all that our kids process and adjust to in a single day it is staggering. We need to try and cut them some slack too. In my haste to instill in them all the things that will make them happy and kind adults, I forget to sometimes let them be the mischevious kids that they are. Spring IS coming......

[heather]

All three of my boys went through (and one is still working his way out of!) an agressive stage right around 6-7 years old. I don't know why - growth spurt? change in hormones? a need to be more physical in a contact driven way? It passes. If you get a chance - check out a playground with kids around that age and watch the boys. Lots of push and shove, big body play, intense debate over "rules" of the games they invent. I don't think it's a coincidence that at those ages all of my boys and their friends discovered things like Pokemon battles and became more competitive in their games and sports. It sounds like Elias is expressing that same energy, then add in the changes going on in his life and you have a boy who probably isn't able to be very easygoing right now. He'll find his balance again, no worries. It's hard meeting the changing needs of 2 kiddos while sleep deprived, you'll find your family balance again, too. :)

[bec]

Oh I'm sorry he's struggling and you are struggling. I do think this sounds like he's just going through a typical developmental stage, though. You've all been through so many changes over the past few months, that it would almost be more worrying if he wasn't reacting somehow. The good news is that it sounds like he's not taking it out on his sister.

When you think about it, he's actually showing you that he's even more aware now of other kids and how they impact his life. Even better, he's learning how to assert himself and let others know what he needs. Like any skills, these social skills take practice and I'm absolutely confident that with the love and guidance you and his teachers and therapists show him each and every day he'll get over this hump.

Hang in there.

[Jessica]

Sounds very fimilar and normal to me. Ihad to laugh at the hug/headlock question. We were having family portraits taken the other day and the photogrpher was so happy she caught such a "Sweet" moment between my kids. They were forehead to forehead looking into each other eye awwww...swwwweett. I howver KNOW that really Lorelei had her mouth clenched and was SQUEEZING Sagen's hands with allher might in order to warn him that he better stop messing with her :P The mostly get a long and the hitting of each other earns them a tine out, but they love each other and Elias loves Tonz and will love Olive even as he is wresting her to the ground.
He will also gorw up to be well adjusted young man who does not take out anexity and jealosy on others.

[susanna eve]

just because it may be normal and even if he's going to be okay, that doesn't mean that it is pleasant for any of you:( It also means more work because you have to be really careful to make sure the baby is safe. I used a mosquito netting over the baby bed with #2 so that his older brother couldn't throw hard toys on him:( Remember too that Elijah is delayed and that 4 is an age that can be really horrible for lots of kids so maybe he is displaying 4 year old behaviour.
Hang in there. While you have to do something about behaviour that is harmful to other kids or animals, don't forget to load on praise too for appropriate/useful/helpful etc. behaviour.
hang in there!!!

[Emily]

He's going to be OK.
You've written a lot about his amazing development recently, both cognitively and physically. He's getting stronger with his body, and he might not realize his own strength. Plus, we know he doesn't always have good control over his body. And the more frustrated or upset he is, the harder it's going to be to "use his words" and not his body to get what he needs or wants.
My guess here (as a professional special education teacher) is that with some help and reminders to use his words and not his body, and some "in the moment teaching" (talking about things outside of the context won't be nearly as beneficial as teaching the correct response second the unwanted behavior happens), he'll be just fine. I'd focus on what I wanted Elias to do in each situation and not draw too much attention to the pushing, shoving, etc. And any time Elias does use his words, praise him like crazy. He's lost a lot of control recently, and so he's looking for it in his world. This is actually a good, developmental step forward and a normal reaction to the changes in his life. You're both going to be OK.

[Mary Elizabeth]

I hear you about going to the bad places to see what happens, I do this constantly and try on what this or that would feel like, look like etc to see if I can survive that too, Thankfully the bad place I take my head to rarely comes into focus in real life and when it does I can see my way through since I have already "been here". This may be pessimism but its one way I cope. Not sure about Elias' development in this area but my mother has told me she wondered many times if her kids would make it to the ripe age of 6. She thought she might kill us. My three and Four year old are testing me mightily right not with the aggression and hitting etc. I feel like I say four thousand times a day "we use our words" "we don't hit in this family" "Ask him to stop" "try to use your words and if he doesn't stop bothering you ask a grownup for help" "we use gentle hands" and on and on and on...

[Linda]

I too tend to worry and conjure up all the worst scenarios... When I max them out, I realize that they can't ALL possibly come true -- some are conflicting. So I decide to wait and see which one actually happens and deal with it then. I think you'll adopt a strategy that works for you. You're stronger than you think you are!

Elias sounds like a boy who's trying out strategies to make his way in the world. And for the little boys I've known -- 3 brothers, 5 cousins, 2 sons -- that process involved some pushing and shoving and testing their parents' limits. It's a challenge!

[Christy]

Thank you all for writing. Linda and Mary Elizabeth you put into words how/why I go to these dark places, part preparation, part coping, part just in case...

Elias has been through such major changes, he was the one and only for six years with so much individual attention from parents, therapists, grandparents, and know he needs to share with a crying baby sister. Plus Kindergarten is hard work, not just play time anymore but worksheets on math and spelling and reading and he's working so hard to keep up with his class and He IS in so many ways and then in other ways he's so far behind and its so hard to sort it all out...and he misses non-verbal communication due to his limited vision and he doesn't have full control of his body and yet hes growing and changing all the time and I guess i have to realize that I'll always be adapting to what he brings, we'll never know everything, and when we think we do it will change..

I appreciate all your thoughts, stories, and advice--your comments have stirred more discussion between Nick and I and I guess tonight I feel more hopeful about our little man. Thank you for this gift.

[A Friend]

I have never commented on your blog before, Christy, but a close friend of mine has followed your blog since before Elias' birth. He is truly a miracle and a very sweet child: You have a gift from God. This being said, what I am about to say is simly an observation. I am NOT an expert, but I have studied psychology for a number of years and as a result, the description of your sons behavior grabbed my attention. The stealing toys and aggression towards peers is perfectly normal. The blatant "rude" comments like "When are you leaving?" is also normal, even for children who don't have to face the challenges your little man does. However, the aggression toward your dog is not as normal. Keep in mind while you read the following that from what I have read, your son is NOT a Bad Child; also psychology is the one science whose theories are based largely on correlations.
1) Any psychiatrist or psychologist will tell you that animal abuse by children is a factor in aggressive or violent behavior as adults.
2) Cruelty to animals and people is one of the diagnostic criteria for conduct disorder. 3) Studies have shown that violent and aggressive criminals are more likely to have abused animals as children than criminals considered non-aggressive.
The reason for all of this is that children who have a tendency to hurt animals tend to do so as a means of acting out their aggression. Elias seems to face a lot of frustrations in his life and he could have difficulty interacting with other children. Therefore, it could be harder for him to (a) learn to empathize and (b) move from one developmental stage to another. In addition, without the proper coping skills, he may feel the need to take his aggression out on something that won't strike back or tell him no - mainly, the dog. I am NOT trying to scare you - it is highly possible that he will learn proper ways of dealing with aggression and calming himself. However, with an infant in the house, it is important that you do everything you can to keep them safe. Also, continue to keep both eyes on Elias for other signs of aggressive behavior. Whatever you do, DO NOT STRESS. Your child does love you, and he needs you to keep him safe as well.

[Linda]

But if every little kid who was ever mean to an animal or showed little empathy had a disorder of some kind, we'd ALL be violent or in therapy. Children aren't born knowing that a dog feels pain, or that certain behaviors can harm others -- that understanding comes with experience and maturity.

Sure, we need to protect the vulnerable, and guide our children's social behavior while they're learning. You're doing that, Christy! That's what parents are for (besides loving and nurturing, and staying up at night with a crying baby).

If I had thought my sons' thoughtless actions and refusal to show remorse (even when they felt it) would lead to criminal violence, I would have freaked out! Instead, we bumbled along the best we could as a family, and the boys turned out to be gentle, helpful adults.

Elias has been handled with loving care all his life, and is now experiencing the rough-and-tumble of relating to kids and animals and adults who have their own interests to protect. You and Nick are responding in the best possible way. Don't worry! I know you, and I know Elias -- and I'm convinced he'll be fine.

[[email protected]]

Hi, just wanted to echo Linda's comments that Elias' treatment of Tonz is not an indicator of violent/aggressive/criminal behavior. Kids squeeze, pull, and hit pets, adults and other children. All kids. That's why anyone that has a dog pulls the tail, ears, hair, skin to get the dogs ready and trained not to react for when little kids enter the picture. Yes those aren't behaviors we condone an we want to stop them, but I think there's a huge difference between what Elias is doing and what constitutes intentional and malicious abuse of animals.

One way to think about this is to consider how overwhelmed you are right now, and you're an adult. You've been down the road, you have emotional maturity and you know how to use your words, etc. Elias is in the same boat minus the post baby hormones, he's just as overwhelmed. But! It will be okay. Your sweet baby boy is just figuring out how he fits in the world and how to interact, those are all good things no matter how difficult they are. Elias' underlying character is the same, he's just making his way forward like we all are, and of course he's going to stumble, we all do. I know I have many times (every day in fact) when I'm not as nice as I want to be, when I'm angry and when I struggle to use my words and I'm 29. Sorry for the double comment, I just wanted to emphasize that while being concerned is totally valid it might be worth ground truthing it with his teacher, his doctors and other parents in similar situations. Hang in there Christy! The light is coming back, and I hope by fall you and Nick can look back and say, phew, we made it through that rough patch.

[la]

Hey Christy...after having a really easy (girl) first child, I too struggle understanding the aggressive behavior of my 5 year old boy. When he's frustrated, he doesn't cry - he throws the Crazy 8 cards, or pushes his 2 year old sister...when he's happy, he loves to wrestle with his buddies, tackle his father, throw balls, jump, hit things with sticks.... As a very girly girl, this is all new to me, and hard to understand. (I watched Luke and his buddy chuck an orange at each other - outside - for 20 minutes the other day, until it exploded...and they exploded in laughter!...so NOT something I would ever had thought was fun.) Anyway, while I know that he needs to learn that pushing his sister is an unacceptable way to deal with his angst, after lots of reading and talking to parents of other boys...I'm learning that this too is normal, and this too will pass. Sorry for the lengthy note! Hang in there!

[la]

oops -clearly, I meant NOT an acceptable way to dealw with his angst!

[paige]

Early childhood educator experience kicks in when I read this post.

If I had a nickel for every aggressive 6-7 yr old boy I've had in class, I could manage a good year's worth of regular massages.

You've gotten great advice and comments. I would add only that I often saw aggressive behavior in children with poor expressive and reciprocal language skills. Their frustration just rolled off them in waves and swamped everyone nearby. Once the language started to straighten out, the could *tell* us how they felt, rather than *showing* us.

I truly think Elias is ok. He's growing and developing at different rates in different areas, and that's wildly frustrating for the adults who are guiding him.

I'm glad *your* expressive language is so beautiful.

[Christy]

You speak to some of my worries Friend in that I don't see his actions as "normal" though I do not see Elias's treatment of Tonz as quite animal abuse. When Elias is ether excited or frustrated he tends to grind his teeth and squeeze and so if our dog is near him then he often gets Elias's squeeze. Sometimes its an over-excited "loving" action and sometimes its a release of negative energy. Its not purposeful or targeted in the way I interpret the studies you mentioned and though I believe that violent aggressive behavior in adults can be linked back to this same behavior towards pets I don't believe you can always project forward and assume that poor treatment of animals will lead to criminal-minded adults. I know some boys who were cruel as can be to cats as preteens and are now loving parents and fathers....But yes, I do watch him like a hawk around Olive and will not leave them alone together yet. And i will keep what you wrote in the back of my head as we move forward. Linda and D, thank you for adding your perspective, as always I love hearing from you as your wisdom helps me always. La I hear you with the whole boy and aggressive play thing and paige your thoughts nd wisdom also help to guide me.

[A Friend]

Very glad to hear that Christy. By the way, I love the name Olive!