This Is Good

In full melt-down mode because I won't go for a walk with him the minute we get home from school, Elias pushes me, hits me in the knee with his cane, and when I pick him up to bring him to my room, he pulls my hair.

To keep myself from melting down too, my new mantra in these moments is: This is good, this is good, this is good...

Sure, I miss my sweet adaptable child who I bragged never melted down in public and never threw a full-on hogs-gone-wild tantrum at home. The boy I worried would be sat-on in preschool and now I fear  will clobber any child smaller than him.

But.

I want him to be independent and the first step towards autonomy is defying our parents, saying no when they say yes, choosing your own route regardless of the consequences.

(Ahem, I never did this Mom and Dad, I mean I never slammed the door to my room and yelled I hate you; I never did the opposite of what was asked just because: You weren't going to tell me what to do; I never traveled far from home to find my own way in this world, only to realize just how lucky I am to have you as parents...no not me says the New England girl living in Alaska.)

So yes, this is good, this is good, regardless of how freaking frustrating his behavior is in the moment.

So its slushing outside, big fat soggy flakes that hit the pavement as puddles, and I tell Elias, "I want to go in and say hi to Daddy and maybe we can go for a walk a little later."

In the doorway, I take off one boot and he starts bawling: "I want you to put your boot back on and go for a walk right now!"

"I told you I wanted to go inside first and say hello to your father."

"I want you to go for a walk with one boot on and one boot off!!"

"Babe, not now. Lets wait and see if the weather clears."

This is when he pushes me. And when I tell him that now I didn't want to go for a walk with him at all, he walks towards Nick and cries, "I want to go for a walk with you!"

"Sorry Bud, not if your acting like this." Nick says, always so calm and grounded in these moments, not as easily triggered as his emotional wife.

More tears from Elias accompanied by full-throated moans: "I want to go for a walk with Olive!!!"

Later, after he spent almost an hour in his room, while I walked the dog by myself chanting: this is good, this is good, this is good, the sky cleared and we all enjoyed time together in our backyard in the warmth of the sun.

This is good, this is good, this is good...

Along with all the recent changes in his life, kindergarten full days, a new sister, a move across town, Elias has made some cognitive leaps of his own. As his awareness grows, anger and frustration is bound to follow.

This is his story after-all.

I could write an emotional  book about how his early birth and subsequent disabilities have affected me, but I am just the parent of a boy with special needs.

He is the one who lives in his body.

In the hockey locker room the other night, he slipped besides our neighbor's son Owen, who ran easily by, and Elias reached out to squeeze him with gritted teeth as if to say, "How come I can't move as you do?"

My hope is that his curiosity, humor and enthusiasm will counterbalance the emotions that are bound to arise as he comprehends the challenges that make him different.

His assistant teacher gave me this nugget the other day. As his class walked down the hallway, one behind the other, Mrs Gordon told the children to keep their hands by their sides.

And Elias asked:  "Can you also say keep your hands on your canes?"

This is good.

Happy Friday everyone!

Comments

[niksmom]

This IS good. Elias is fiercely independent and it will stand him in good stead for a lifetime. Easier to say than to live with, I know. We're going through similar things here with Nik. There are days I woulc be happy to shhip him off to someone else for a while. Then, the storm clouds pass and the sun emerges and we have joyful, wondrous moments together. :-)

[kim]

I'm so proud of you. Lv Ya Kim

[Shelley]

I LOVE his "Can you say....the canes!" So perfect and aware!

[Ginna]

nice to hear him advocating for himself in positive ways, too!

[Brooke]

Hey. Not to be a grammar dork or anything, but if you're transcribing this correctly, it means his grammar is changing too. He's gone from "You want to..." to "I want you to..." That seems like progress!!

[jamie jones]

I seriously am surprised my parents didn't disown me in my teenage years! I, too, was a "I hate you!" and door slammer ... and went from Florida to Alaska :). Fighting for autonomy and independence from our parents is one of the most "normal" things we do!

[niksmom]

Wanted to stop back to tell you I just finished reading your essay in "My Baby Rides the Short Bus." You captured it all so beautifully, I felt like you were writing about my life with my son.

Sending good thoughts, warm wishes and sunshine your way.