What Am I Suppose To Do Here?

We tread lightly, waiting. We smile and enthuse, pretending to be air.   "Good morning Elias, it's time to wake up!"

"I don't want to."

"Its a school day!!"

"I don't want to go to school," he says as he curls himself into a ball on our bed.

"Ahh, but Its your job Buddy!"

We talk about how Daddy would like to stay home too but he goes to work anyways, knowing he will always get to come home at the end of the day. We talk about music and recess and friends and letters. We ooze excitement and sigh when he's not looking.

"You need to check on the caterpillars," I say, "Make sure they are still there."

Nick and I try our best to hide the heaviness we feel, to reveal that we too want to crawl back into bed and curl up in a ball. I don't have answers for my son. Besides his fear of fire alarms and the arrival of his sister I don't know if there is more to his new resistance to attending school.

Yesterday the new school nurse called me, asked me to come pick him up early because he couldn't pull it together, wouldn't stop crying for home. And I did pick him up but not without reservations. He's a smart kid. The last thing i want him to learn is that if I cry long enough, melt down hard enough, they'll call my Mommy.

On Wednesday he started crying "out of the blue" at recess. I asked him about it that night as we sat at the table. "Were you sad at school today?"

"Yeah."

"Why were you sad?"

"Because I wanted to go home."

I put my hand on his. "Why did you want to come home?"

Elias doesn't look up from his plate of salmon and rice. "Because my family is at home." 

My family. He wants and needs to be near us and there is nothing wrong with that.

But. This is the boy who crawled into his preschool classroom on the first day and never looked back.

On Sunday afternoon, I sit on our bed holding Olive in my right arm and snuggling with Elias who perches himself on my left leg. "When do I get you all to myself?" He asks.

Oh my heart.

I squeeze him close. "You had me all to yourself for almost six years." I give him a kiss on his forehead. "Just think, Olive will always have to share us."

But Elias lives in the present, the right now moment, and so past time or future rewards mean very little. He can earn extra books at night if he walks into school "easily and happily" and he's all for the idea when we discuss it but the moment I open the car door to let him out all bargains fall to the slush puddles at our feet.

"I don't want to go to school," he says. "I want to go back home."

"Today is a hot lunch day," I say this morning to persuade him to walk inside. After pestering us all year for school lunch we relented and let him have it on Fridays. You should see the smile on his face when we tell him its a hot lunch day. I don't think he even eats the overly-processed box-food but the whole concept of getting a tray like the other kids and opening the wrappers and to see whats inside intrigues him. 

"Hot lunch!!!"

And I find myself using whatever I can to try to keep the boy excited about school, so if it means pumping him up about factory food then so be it.  He usually doesn't eat his bag lunch until the car ride home anyways because he's too overstimulated in the cafeteria to focus on eating.

Yesterday, after I pick him up at noon we sit in the kitchen together doing some of his writing worksheets. "Was it dark and scary in there?" he asks as I stand up to get us a snack.

"In where?"

"In your belly."

"Well, it was dark but it wasn't scary."

"Did I come out too early?"

"Yes  Babe, I wish I could have kept you in longer."

"I wish I stayed in for a long long time." he says.

"Me too."

"But I can't go back in."

"No sweetie, none of us can go back in."

We may want to curl up in the fetal position and pull the covers over our head but we can't return to the womb.  We live in the world of slush puddles, cafeteria food, unanswered questions, fire alarms, siblings, schedules, and light.

For better or for worse, till death do us part.

"What did I do in your belly?"

"You just kinda floated around and grew."

Elias laughs. "I just kinda floated around and grew!"

"Yep."

He turns back to the table, leans closer to his worksheet and asks, "What am I suppose to do here?"

Comments

[Faye]

Call me if you want to talk. Xander has been going through the same things! I can only assume it's normal. That or we both have weird kids. :oP By the way, we let Xander have hot lunch once a week too. It started out on Friday and then we moved it to the beginning of the week because that's when he needs a little more coaxing. Tuesdays seem to be the worst. I'm not looking forward to 1st grade. After a summer off, they REALLY won't want to go back. Ugh! Just know that you're not alone. You keep reminding me of that with your posts.

[Kathy Sue]

My typical son waited until first grade to want to go home all the time. He hid behind the piano, and in the tiny, stinky, bathroom! And one day he just went home at lunch! His father matter-of-factly turned him around and sent him back to school! It is normal. For almost everyone, this passes--sooner for some than others!

[fleming]

Ahhh. Didn't we all dread school at different times in our lives? Certain weeks burdened with exams or when the weather was too beautiful to be inside. I would try to be more like Elias and take it one day at a time. Maybe he doesn't like fire alarms, maybe he wants to stay home thinking he might have you to himself, maybe writing is boring sometimes but maybe, just maybe there is a different reason for each day right now as he grows and tests you. I think it is a good thing when our kids continue to force us to ask questions and search for new solutions......it is just so exhausting!

[Linda]

There are all kinds of quirky possibilities for why kids don't want to go to school. If we could only figure them out each time they crop up... One of my boys wouldn't eat his lunch at school, and I tried bribery, small portions, exclusively liquids -- only to find out (much later) that he had been afraid of an earthquake happening in the cafeteria!

It makes me sad that we can't fix everything for our kids. I guess troubles help make them strong and sympathetic adults, but I still wish there was an easier route for them as they grow up.

Does Elias crave (or already get!) some 'alone time' with each parent? I've heard that recommendation, but don't remember trying it except for once. In that case, it turned out that the youngster told me more while just walking around the block together than he ever did otherwise.

[Greta Campanale]

If I wrote as well as you, I could have written this post myself. All but arriving in the world early. I know you have questions that may be different from mine, but what you write here describes scenes in our house last year and some this year (kinder and first grade) to a tee. If it's any comfort, perhaps these are typical signs of a kid in his first year of full-time school. Our daughter went from angel child to tornado in many ways in kindergarten. We had a new baby. I was disturbed by her emotional state, etc. She had accidents when she never had them before; many days she cried and screamed at us the moment we picked her up from school. I found comfort in 'Your Six Year Old' by Louise Bates Ames. On some days, it is with heavy hearts that we encourage her to march on, despite her reasonable, understandable reservations.

[Skyfeather]

My oldest has started school this past fall and went from angel to attitude. She has said she wants to stay home and be with her family. She has also said she doesnt like school because she has no food to eat there. Her grade level does not allow food from home. She is mostly a vegetarian and 4 days a week they serve processed meat. 7+ hours without eating is hard for a kid. It may just be a regular phase that Elias is going thru- I just wish we could stick mini cameras and recorders on them so we know what exactly happens at school to make them upset.

[niksmom]

As others before me have said, there are no fast and easy answers to this one. I wonder if making a special "date" on the calendar (weekly, every other week, once a month...whatever you guys can swing) for Elias and you to have time just for the two of you, it might help to ease some of his anxieties? Do you already have any special pre-bedtime routines that don't involve his little sister? Or maybe a "right after school" time? Just thoughts...

[Erin]

What are any of us suppose to do here? :) There's a lesson for everyone in this tale.

Do you think Elias thinks about you spending all day alone with Olive? That he'd rather not lose mama time to her while he's at school? If so, that shows some pretty advanced thinking.

[Noel Dennehy]

The last comment to me is right. You need to have a special date time with Elias. He just feels lost- he has lost his special time with each of you and now school is getting harder. You and Nick need to sit down with him and plan your week and let him be part of it. We all need "our time" and he can be part of that. It will make him feel like he has "power" and that is so special to all of us. Another thing is to have weekly planning night when meals are planned, events planned and your nights out planned and shared with him. He just feels left out only because he has had SO MUCH ATTENTION do to his special needs and rightfully so. He is acting totally normal. But it is so hard. Especially when you are sleep deprived due to your angel. I know you are counting the days until you fly down to Conn. and I KNOW your parents are counting the days. You will catch up on friends, sleep and be lavished with love. You are so loved in Alaska but now you can step back and be you and loving grandparents will wisk Olive (Olivia) away and you can have some time for just "YOU". Then the BOYS will arrive and you will feel right with the world but well rested. You are so lucky to have Nick's parents in Alaska- they must be such special folks to have moved so close to you and what they do. I can't wait to meet them some day. Oh, and of course you and your wonderful family. It is always so strange for me to write those words for I feel like I have already met you. Maybe it is because I love your parents so much.
Long day, so tired from babysitting and I am off to sleep.

[Kit]

I can feel your pain a little bit because my usually easy-going first grade son got "suspended" today. yup they had to send him home after he just threw fit after fit all day long, and I have absolutely no idea why today was different all the sudden from every day before. There's probably a simple explanation for these things that they just don't know how to tell us. I don't know what to say, but my heart goes out to you.

[paige]

Oh, my heart is aching for you all!

Perhaps when you are back at work, too, Elias will find it easier to go to school every morning. It will be different when everyone has to leave the house.

Even older kids can hate to go to school. Our kids go to a great school, but even so...my husband's day off is Tuesday. Every Tuesday afternoon, he takes one of the kids out of school so they can spend the afternoon and evening together. I also give each of our teens one mental health day a quarter. And I take one for myself, too. It's nice to have a day off in reserve. We make sure all the work gets done, but holy cow, has it helped everyone's attitude.

This will pass, it really will. All kids go through it...adults, too...but kids get to be more vocal about it!

[Emily]

I can't speak from personal experience, but I know a mom with 4 kids (one with autism) who had the same issue with one of her typically developing kids. Every morning the girl would scream and cry and refuse to get out of the car, so mom switched the drop off order. Her needy little girl was the last to get dropped off and right before taking her into school they'd spend a few minutes alone in the car together, talking. I know this doesn't give you a solution, but the mom was amazed at how little it took to satisfy her daughter's need for some alone time with mommy. I agree with everyone else that if you find a way to work in some time where Elias has you all to himself, even if it's only 15 minutes a day, it will probably help. Since morning is the hardest, perhaps this time could even be before school, and I'd let Elias direct the entire 15-30 minutes. You do whatever he wants, in an attempt to give him some control over his life, and attempt fulfill that need for some alone time with mommy. Best of luck.. it's a challenge, but I can't help but be amazed at his conversational abilities these days.. and he's running. wow! wow.

[Christy]

All your comments are sooooooooo helpful. Its a nice reminder that we all struggle at times with going to work/school. I have been trying to do more special things with just Elias and I do think it helps. Yesterday olive had a Dr appointment and when I told Elias she was getting shots he practically ran to school so i do think he doesn't want to miss out on anything.But man it feels like we walk on eggshells with him a lot these days...

[TA]

My girls didn't have issues with not wanting to go to school, but my son did in first grade (because it was a long day), and some in sixth grade (because middle school was tough compared to elementary school). It's hard on the parents, but it is normal.