Respite

I'm sitting on my bed listening to Elias interact with his new respite provider as they play with his linking blocks in the living room.

"When do I have to put the big blue block on?" he asks.

"I don't know, you said you wanted to use all the red blocks but you can put a blue block on wherever you want," she says.

I know I shouldn't be eavesdropping, let alone typing what I'm hearing but I cant help myself. I'm curious and taking full advantage of not having a bedroom door yet. Every parent knows how hard it can be to leave your child with someone new and well, I'm not quite ready to walk out the door.

Perhaps I should be using my respite a little more wisely, rather than sitting here recording but I'm tired today and feel like laying low. I'd take a nap if I could. Close my eyes and dream about a time when sleep came easily and lasted all night. Olive is sleeping in her room and from my perch on the bed I'll hear her when she wakes up. And really, I like listening. I like hearing Elias play. Sometimes I appreciate him more from a distance. 

"Let's make giant doors for our elevator...A monster truck can fit through the big wide door."

His new respite provider giggles.

"Do you have an elevator in your house?" he asks.

"No, I don't have an elevator."

"Do you have an REI near your house?"

"REI?"

"Yeah."

"Do you like REI?"

"Yeah, you can come to our REI if you want."

Our REI, I love it. When Elias refers to his classmate he often says, "What are my kids doing?" He's playing with ownership, sprinkling his speech with possessive's. Our REI. My kids.

Elias qualifies for respite care through his medicaid waiver, which he is eligible for because he is considered "disabled enough" to require institutionalized care--that is, if he didn't live here with us.  I still can't wrap my head around this concept. Can't look it in the eye. 

Elias in an institution.

Hell, I still struggle with the whole idea of respite care, especially when it's not someone we've personally selected like Audrey or Krysta or Faye. Women who became friends and also happened to enjoy time with Elias.

And I think its different now too with two kids. A respite worker can't watch Olive, just Elias, which feels odd, as if I'm farming the boy out to strangers.

And keeping the girl.

This difference is easier to navigate now while she's a baby, and dependent on me for food, but the terrain will get trickier to cross as she grows.

And yet I do appreciate the break.

We all need a break sometimes. Maybe I'll just close my eyes for a moment, dream of a place where all our needs are met, without ambivalence. Without regret. A place where every decision flows easily, and faith rides the currents of the wind, arrives at your front door, and mingles with the smell of lilacs and wild rose.

Comments

[Shelley]

Enjoy your respite, however you choose to use it!
I think every parent struggles with choices made regarding one child or the other. On a smaller scale, my older son still goes to preschool two days a week while the younger stays here with me everyday. Since I am a teacher and only a SAHM in the summer, I feel strange sending the older off--even if I think it it is the best choice for him right now. I try to rationalize it in my brain by thinking that Mason had me to himself for 3 1/2 years, so it's ok that Miles gets a bit of Mommy time too. Some days that works, some days not so much.
I love hearing about both of your kiddos!

[valerie demming]

you bring back good memories of when I was a respite worker. valerie

[DiVaughn]

I just took Evan to his first "respite" event...a Parents Night Out sponsored by a local respite agency and hosted at a very nice Methodist church. I'm not sure how I feel about it...almost guilty that he took three hours away from a parent that really needs a break. So I get the conflicted-ness. :)

[Christy]

Oh it's never easy these choices we have to make as parents; and if you are an over-thinker like me than you'll always wonder if you are making the right ones...

[Kathy Sue]

Do not feel bad--remember that today's "institutions" look more like a home, and there may or may not come a time when Elias needs some minimal support to live independently. Nobody has a crystal ball.

For now, remember that although the respite is for you, the services are a way to expand Elias' world. As he gets older, he may have a day habilitation provider that introduces him to activities you wouldn't.

For now, go ahead and take that nap. Take up the neigbor's offer to "watch Olive sometime," and make the appointment at the same time the respite provider comes. Make an appointment for a massage, a manicure, a lunch date or a nap. This time is for you!