A Rare Moment

“I’m worried about your state of mind,” Nick said when he returned home from Spenard Building Supplies, Home Depot, and Lowe’s. “What’s going on?”

I’ve never been one to hide my emotions, no poker face here. My eyes tell you how I feel even if I don’t want to reveal what’s inside. And really, I should be in a good place; we just returned from five days in Seward, our beach and mountain getaway, where I ate ribs and chocolate chip-peanut butter-oatmeal cookies, I napped in David’s loft and bush-whacked through the woods with Olive on her Dad’s back and Elias tromping in front of me up the trail-less mountain.

(“Let’s keep going up,” Elias said when I called to Nick to turn around due to the abundant Devil’s Club and vertical slope.  Granted, I was supporting Elias from behind with each step, holding him under his arms, straining my back, but the terrain motivated my boy instead of intimidating him.)

After five days away, I should be relaxed and all Zen about this whole parenting two children thing. And yet everything is harder with two children. Everything from packing to bedtime routines.

“It’s just that they are both so needy in different ways,” I said to Nick, trying to hold in the tears.

Olive is inching forward now, covering a couple of feet in a matter of minutes, heading for Elias’s cars, blocks, and magnetic letters on the fridge.

“What is she doing?” Elias asks me when he’s actually thinking and not just reacting by pushing her out of his way.

“Olive toppled,” he said this morning after he swatted her down. As if she just fell on her own. “She toppled!”

He has his rare sweet moments.

“Olive we’re almost at David’s office,” he said yesterday to his crying sister, leaning towards her car seat, with his strong hands still in his lap.

His sweet side seems to be holed up somewhere today, stuck in another dimension where he always says “please” and “thank you” and never squeezes his sister.

During the soccer game, Elias clocked me in the cheek with the back of his head when he sat on my lap to snuggle, and the frustration I felt at my son who cant help his lack of grace sure didn’t help my “state of mind”.  I picked him up and placed him on the couch next to me so I could walk away, take a breath, and think about what to say.

“I put my head back and bonked right into Mommy,” Elias said, in that way of his that wants to turn everything into a joke.

And yet it’s not funny.

I find nothing humorous about his lack of remorse, or the way he changes the subject to disregard the emotional reaction of others.

“Elias, you can hurt your sister when you push her head like that.” I said this morning when he grabbed a plastic letter from her mouth with one hand and pushed the back of her neck with the other.

“But the washer is making a funny noise.”

Huh?!!

Oh to be in his brain; I know I’ve written this before and I’m sure I’ll write it again but I would sure love to spend some time up there, to look through his eyes and feel with his mind.

Instead, for my own frayed head, I told Nick, “I think I just need to write.”

So I drove off to the nearest coffee shop, La Petite Creperie, with my laptop, in need of a moment alone.

And here I am-- writing about my children.

Why is it that I feel so fried when with them and yet the moment I escape, all I want to do is reflect on their existence and process what they mean to me?

Comments

[Danielle]

Commenting from Switzerland here. Everything IS harder with two..and then three... (in my case) kids (all "typical", I'll grant you.) But the moments of grace are more beautiful, like Elias's comforting Olive in the car with just his voice!
I read a section in a book by a psych. named Haim Ginott. He recommends letting the kid act out his jealousy on a doll, with paper and pencil, with nasty words, whatever, with the parent. Ginott writes, (among other things): ""Our role [when faced the ferocity of our older child's feelings against the new sib] is to observe with a neutral eye and sympathetic tongue. The feelings are honest and the attack is harmless....Our comments should be brief : 'You are showing me how angry you are!' or 'Now Mommy knows' or 'When you get angry come and tell me and we can do this!"
I have found this advice soothing (because it lets me know how NORMAL this is) and incredibly helpful, and so I believe, have my children whose feelings of outrage are validated and redirected into harmless channels (most of the time.) The book, by the way, is called Between parent and child.
Keep writing, I love your stories and follow you all over Alaska and beyond form Zurich!
Cheers,
D

[susanna eve]

I too will add that I think a lot of what you are experiencing happens with 2 NT kids too. Maybe you are attributing too much to the fact that Elias is not NT. At his age, I would not expect much remorse or regard for other's feelings and even less so because of his delays. I struggle with that with my daughter who is both a typical hurtful and self centered teen in some ways and a very delayed child in other ways.
Olive is going to be challenging for the next couple of years, that is just the nature of kids that age. Keeping her safe is a priority, whether or not Elias is deliberately or not in his potentially dangerous behaviour and try and let go of expecting him to have the appropriate response. That's what I would do. You are fortunate to have some respite care and also to be able to leave the house and get a break. Hang in there, parenting a special needs child is an ongoing extra stress that people who are not doing it just simply can't imagine.

[Ginny]

Ah, you feel so fried with them and then leave and write about them because you are their mom. It's so hard to leave the children behind when you have a break. I think it's hard-wired into our brains or something. I've tried to explain it to my husband more than once: even when I know where my children are, that they are safe and fine without me, I'm aware of them - they are part of me and always on my mind no matter what I'm doing. Children are a part of you permanently, an invisible extension of ourselves.

I am so glad you got a break - it's hard to take a break sometimes but so, so important.

[Vicki]

You know what I often think when I read your posts, Christy? I think "why is she so hard on herself?"
You face incredible challenges as you and Nick raise Elias. OF COURSE you are going to be stressed, exasperated and aggravated. All parents feel this way sometimes. But, you will experience these feelings more frequently due to Elias' special needs. Elias DOES have to learn to fit into this world, however, so you are right to keep pushing for him to learn socially acceptable behavior.

I only know you and Nick from what you share on-line, but I'm wondering if you might have always made light of incidents like when Elias hit you with his head and, therefore, he doesn't really understand that you actually got "hurt".
(I really hate when people who have no idea of what is actually going on try to give suggestions, so sorry if I'm out of line).

As a 57-year-old grandma, I know that when you are raising young children, your life is lived just day-to-day. That's all you can do. Just survive the day.

You have lots of time. You are doing a great job. Give yourself permission to whine. You get out of bed every morning and care for your small children. What else do you need to do?

[Vicki]

Forgot something I wanted to mention. My kids were very good and sweet-natured when they were small. I didn't really "talk" or "explain" when I was trying to get them to refrain from doing something. I frowned and said "I don't want you to do that!" They loooved their mom and wanted to please me; therefore, that was all I needed to do to keep them in line. Now, I won't say this worked much past age 10, but it's worth a try. Sometimes I think all the explaining we try to do is just too much for their little brains. I'm not sure they can consciously be "kind" or "thoughtful" at Elias' age. I think small children who do "kind" things, are behaving in a manner that mom and dad have encouraged. I mean, how could a child Elias' age have the brain maturity to really put someone else's feelings/welfare before his own?
Don't know why I'm so long-winded this morning, but anyway...this is my last message -- I promise!

[Christy]

Morning all.

Danielle, thank you for reminding me about the importance of acknowledging Elias's anger. And for telling me about Ginnot. Often in the moment I focus on the potential harm to Olive which doesnt show that i also understand Elias's feelings. I will try out some of these expressions today. Thank you again, for writing.

Susanna Eve you touch on one of my core thought processes: what about Elias's behavior is due to his SN and what is typical for his delayed age? Letting go off my expectation for an appropriate response will be my next mantra. Well said. And yes, the stresses are many and most fully understood by those who live this off-centered life.

Ginny, an invisible extension of ourselves indeed, hard-wired into our brain, our babies, always inside us even when we are apart.

Vicki you can never be too long-winded with me, I cherish reading the thoughts of those of you who follow our journey. I am hard on myself. My greatest critic is my own restless mind that rarely rests and too often appears in the cloaks of a judge. And your point about joking about bonks could be right -on because we often make light of his a hundred plus falls a day. Not when he hurts someone but still for him the association of laughing about hitting his head is there. And I also like your advice about talking or explaining less to Elias. i tend to want to process things with him even when I almost know the concepts are beyond his reach or he has already moved on hours earlier. I forget that he is a little boy who lives in the moment not in the reflective parts of his brain.

Thanks all for starting my morning in a way where I feel cradled and bolstered by your support, wisdom, and understanding!

[Noel Dennehy]

What a great blog this one was and I loved everyone's responses. You are so lucky that you have Nick and he understands your need to escape into words even for a short time to recharge your batteries. It is always harder in the summer when there are no real breaks from having both children around all the time. My husband never understood when I said that him going to work was so much easier. He could close a door and not answer the phone if he wanted to. Not mom- she is on call 24/7. But I love how you vent and reach out and you get some great advice.
That is one of the best things mothers can do!

[Linda]

Christy, no matter how frayed the fabric of everyday life gets, remember that you're woven with a strong,reliable thread running through. (Steel? Kevlar? Whatever suits your image.)

I just realized yesterday that criticizing myself for my raggedness in raising my two children had all this time been discounting the strength of my determination to keep them safe and well. You have that strength, also, I know!

[Mary]

I think what is easy to forget is that even when we call a trip a "vacation" sometimes being in an unfamiliar place away from routine is a lot of work with small children. Although it may be fun, it almost certainly takes more energy and requires more alertness on the part of the parent. I wouldn't kick yourself at all for feeling a little tired after travels with kids--as a couple of other people have already said, you probably were extra aware of where they were and what they were doing and keeping them safe.
I'm glad you had the chance to get away and write and think--even an hour or two can be such a gift in your place.

[Emily]

One of my friends once told me that writing clears my mind.. perhaps it does the same for you. And of course you write about the kids.. they are your life right now, but when you are with them you hardly have time to think about what you are going to do next never mind reflect on past events.
The washer comment following shoving Olive made me think of Sensory Integration Disorder. It makes sense that when irritated by a noise most people can tune out, he'd act out against the other big annoyance. The same goes for a baby who is screaming next to a kid with sensitive ears. Does it help to know that Elias isn't so much acting out against his sister as he is just reacting to her little, noisy self? Hmm, in day to day living I doubt so.. does he have/wear head phones? they might be a life saver on car trips.
As someone who is trying to get pregnant, I can't help but be jealous of your two little needy ones.

[Stacey]

Feel free to call me when I can help give you a break. I don't offer very often, but the offer is always there. Don't wait for me to call. You know Sean & I love your family! You two are the best parents! You are so amazing on so many levels. We'd love to help!