I'm sorry

I want to say to the mother and child who left the playground at Goose Lake today after Elias reached out and squeezed the smaller kid by the hair.

I don't know what happened. I wasn't there.

And I'm sorry for that too.

I want to say he won't do it again but I can't promise you that. Not today, on the eve of his first day of first grade-- today, I can't tell you what he will or won't do.

It's all a mystery.

Despite countless "use your words" talks the boy continues to squeeze and push and throw his body into ours.

"Are you being helpful or hurtful?" we ask again and again but I can't tell you what his brain understands. In the moment he's all impulse and emotion and, even later, he responds without remorse or empathy.

I know I should feel proud of my former-25-weeker's entrance into the first grade but honestly, tonight I'm terrified.

And I'm sorry for that too.

Comments

[Faye]

Last summer Xander bit a three-year-old girl while we were at a playground. I didn't see what happened, but he told me afterward. I was mortified! I told him that five-year-olds don't go around biting kids when they're angry. Of course, I was wrong...they obviously do bite, because he just had. ;) I've said it before and I'll say it again, parenting is a humbling experience. At least a bite here and a squeeze there won't leave any lasting scars on the other children. We carry the thoughts of it with us for much longer. (((hugs))) to you on the eve of Elias's first day of first grade. Give me a call if you want to talk.

[DiVaughn]

I'm sorry, too, Christy. :(

[Hairy Farmer Family]

I know I'm a long way away, but I'm still patting your shoulder.

[Danielle]

Hang in there. Maybe that mom reads your blog!

[Imee Baronda]

You're such a great Mom. On the other way my daugther got to be bullied. As my reaction, I have nothing to do against the kid, in a sense of that's his only a kid, but in my mind I want to spank him, well I'll just talk to the parents, that's all :).

From the Philippines,
Imee
ChooseYourOwnAdventureBooks.org for Kids, Adults and Teachers

[Sara]

Hey you're a great mother Christy !..... I'm an elementary school teacher, incidents like this happen often .... two years ago a first grade child has pushed another boy against a door and the boy cut his forehead (blood everywhere)but was a really small cut.... I was afraid that the parents got angry because I was responsible for the incident, but were not angry at all ....." things that happen between kids..." was their comment!Best wish for Elias first day of first grade

[niksmom]

Standing in solidarity with you on the eve of starting school. For long, convoluted reasons, Nik's eligibility hasn't yet been established (kind of ironic) so he's starting in a general ed setting. I'm utterly terrified for his safety and that of his classmates. *sigh* I keep reminding myself that "this, too, shall pass" and that we will weather the storms ok. Hugs.

[fleming]

Angus is almost 8 and he is still impulsive and too "rough". He is learning to be empathetic but it is not coming naturally like it has with my other kids. I often wonder if he is just a "mean" kid and drive myself crazy with thinking it is something I have done...not enough attention, too much attention, who knows. What I do know is that he IS learning. It is just happening slower than I ever expected, slower than his peers and slower than I'd like. I must be more patient. That is something that I am learning.....slowly. The start of school is rough. Remember to be kind to yourself.

[Emily Judson]

Sending some prayers your way!

[Ginna]

Just saw this now - looks like Elias has about 1.5 more hours in school today and I am hoping that everything has gone well!

I have confidence in his amazing teacher and in the way you and your mom hat have tried to pave the way for him there. In the best of ways, you've prepared the teachers at least for what may come with Elias. And I know Elias hears you when you tell him to use his words and ask him to try to be helpful, praising him when he is.

Making the connections between thought and action is hard for all of us, but having the repetition, the good examples of you and Nick and now his teacher talking him through it so he can see how to make those choices will lead him to make good choices eventually. We never know when that stuff will click - but it will! I believe it will - in such an environment of love and patience as you have given him to grow in.

With so many challenges - new school, new sister, new neighborhood, maybe it makes sense that he needs to feel the strength in his hands to reassure himself that he can still impact these new things. Luckily, he has a lot of other strengths as well....

Sending oceans of love your way!

[Audrey]

Ginna you wrote what I am thinking, but have hard time putting in words. Love you Christy hope this week goes smoother than anticpated!

[Vicki]

Christy, this sounds crazy, but have you tried squeezing him to show him what it feels like?
Maybe one day, or evening, you could squeeze him, until he feels the discomfort, and Nick could say sternly to you -- "No -- don't do that! It HURTS Elias", then you say "I'm sorry, Elias."
Then, take turns, with Nick doing the squeezing. Finally, you both say "I'm not going to squeeze Elias anymore because it hurts him!"

Vicki

[Danielle]

How was school?? Hope it went better than you expected. I love all the comments above and what is weird is that I think there is the necessity of modeling appropriate behavior as I know you guys constantly do, but that that last suggestion may also possess enough merit to try at least once!! How can I be for both??!!

[Christy]

This one of those posts that I wrote, hit publish, and thought no one would really understand. And as usual I'm blown away by the empathy of my readers, by our commonality, and your wisdom. thank you!

Vick, we have tried something like you suggested but not with one of us scolding the other--I've just shown him gentle touch verse hurtful by me placing my hands softly on his arms and then squeezing for the hurtful side. And Danielle, I hear ya, and think there are times for both if the intent is to teach and not scold.

And Ginna I actually read you words while at school and had to quickly switch back to work mode so I wouldn't cry. Thanks fairy godmother for your belief in and love for Elias! And me:)