I'm still here

I promise.

Its just been one of those weeks where the content of this blog has decided to hijack the author.

Mama, mama, Mommy, Mom!

Oh, and Ms. Christy, Ms. Christy, Ms. Christy, as the kids call me at school.

Full-time work as an elementary school counselor and two children, one who still doesn't sleep, makes for a frustrated Mama who desperately needs to carve out time to capture her words.

But tonight the couch calls.

It will get easier.

I will find the time.

Mama, mama, mommy,  mom!

Ugh, its ironic that I crave time away from my children so I can write about them.

Time: one of the strange contradictions of a special needs Mama's blog.

And of the sleep-deprived mother of a healthy nine-month baby who still wakes up every three hours or less at night to interrupt any coherent thoughts I might muster.

Oy, miss you all.

Night night.

Comments

[Angela Eppert]

Mrs. Everett, I skimmed through you blog looking for some honesty. I found what I was looking for in "the post I didn't want to write." Not that you were'nt honest but the raw truth of life with a preemie was very apparent in that post. I had 24 weeks and 5 days preemie twins in December of 2006. Our stories have some similarities in all the struggles going through the NICU process and life at home with oxygen tanks, vision issues, etc., etc,. However, my NICU experience was very disapponting to say the very least. I give all my praise to God in guiding the doctors, nurses and other staff involed in their care but the trauma they caused me left deep wounds. For example, one Sunday morning I went to visit Caelan in the NICU. Boden had gone home the week before so this was just special time for me and Cael. the sun shone brightly through the window and I felt a moment of peace. Then from the nurses' staion I heard a nurse that, previously I had respected , say, "We've really been on a bad run lately." Then the pack of vulture nurses proceeded to talk about all of the deaths in the NICU recently. Naming names. My heart broke as I looked at my son. I knew I was blessed with two surviving boys but my heart ached for these other families. It angered me too. I wondered what they said about my children when I wasn't there. When did these children change from someone's child to a statistic, a casual topic of conversation.

Anyway, I digress, I just appreciated that particular post. I appreciate your mostly sunny with a chance of showers attitude.

My boys didn't have ANY brain bleeds which for being that premature is a miracle times 2. We have had many challenges along the way also.

Another thing I would like to say is, I am tired of people telling me, "It could have been alot worse". I understand that, but sometimes you have to grieve over what is not. I don't want to compare my situation to others to feel better about myself. Sometimes sad is just sad. When the boys were in the NICU, Boden was having surgery done on his eyes and my husband and I sat with Caelan. Caelan was experiencing horrible gas pains because he couldn't burp. He frequently shrieked in pain. As I tried to console Caelan, who essentially had gas, I realized the concern and anxiety I felt for Caelan was no different than what I had for Boden who was having surgery. I guess what I"m trying to convey is that when you are a mother there is no way you can quantify the feelings you have for them. One hurt doesn't trump another. I realized that when people tell me how miserable their child was because they had their immunization shots, I don't need to shoot back at them a story about an IV put in my son's head. Everything is relative and most times people can't see beyond their point of reference.

I could start my own blog if I keep typing; so I will end it here. Love and blessings to you and your family. Sincerely yours, Angela

[Mary Elizabeth]

Thanks for the update. Yours is one of a couple blogs I check daily for my dose of mommy escapism, I can't find the words to write elegantly/poinently/humorously about my children so I check in and read about others and worry about the women and children they are about when the normal rhythm of posts is off

Mmm, worrying about peoplel I don't know who live housands of miles away may come across as a little cyber stalkerish...

[Linda]

Christy, we miss you too, when you aren't able to write. But we know the words are there, and you will express them with great honesty and love - when you get a chance!

I hope things will ease up for you before long.

[Courtney]

Hey Christy, guess what? I was feeling guilty for not checking your blog for a couple of days! :D Olive's almost ONE! Keep on keepin' on, Mama. I will too.

[Melissa]

The time to write is hard to find when you have children. I rarely find the time to post in my own blog- usually trying to squeaze any minutes I have without my kids in my lap into working on adding a few more chapters to my book.

When days go by without seeing a post from you I only know that you are experiancing the joys and trials of mommyhood with your two precious gifts from god. Take care

[Emily]

Ahh, so the return to work explains the absence. I miss you all. This post made me smile because it reminds me how Olive's health and mobility are never taken for granted. I often say that as someone who loves kids with special needs (I teach them, too, but really, the love and compassion come first), I'm fortunate because I truly appreciate and celebrate the miracle that is "typical" development. I get to see miracles where other people simply see a milestone. I know how amazing communication is, walking, eye contact, smiles, etc. I love that you share this perspective and that you celebrate both of your children daily (even when exhausted).

[Christy]

Angela, thank you for your honest comment here, and for sharing a piece of your story. I'm sorry your NICU experience left scars, I think all of us with children who come into the world in crisis are left with shadows that will never fully dissipate. I can get into that compare mode, you know the my tragedy is worse than yours, or well, at least I'm better off than them, but you are so right when you say that every parents worries when something happens to their children and there is no way to quantify the hurt. And please, call me Christy, and write again either here or on your own blog as I'd like to read more of your words.

Mary Elizabeth, I too worry about people ive never met b/c we connect with each other through stories and can sometimes learn more through the written word than through multiple social conversations. So not a stalker...:)

And thank you all for checking in here regularly and for your concern and support and back pats and outstretched arms and humor and respect.

[Brooke]

Every three hours?!?! Yikes!! Does the pediatrician have any ideas for you??

[massageon]

I am sitting at my desk chuckling about what you said about wanting to get away from your children just to write about them : ) I do the same thing, e.g. night out with the girls, but talk about Santino all night long! LOL It must be a Mom thing. Thank you for updating even though your exhausted. I will try to send some energy vibes your way!!!

[Christy]

I know its most certainly a mom thing, the hat I can never really take off.

And yes Brook she's the worlds worst sleeper, I'm beginning to re-suspect allergies b/c of a recent rash. We see the doc in the next week or so and will again discuss it all.