If we all just put our hands on our chins

"Just for the record, it offends me when you called him a little girl," I tell the angry sixth-grader who sits on the yoga ball in my counseling office.

"But I don't think before I say things," he says.

We just finished a mediation between him and another boy after a verbal disagreement escalated in the lunch room, with the two hurling derogatory names at each other as other kids egged them on to fight.

The fact that they didn't throw punches is almost a cause to celebrate but their choice of language still needs addressing.

Along with a rainbow of colorful curse words, they both claim the other used racial slurs. One denies doing so but the one who remains in my office admits he called the other kid a white boy.

They both admit to calling each other retards.

The R word. Lovely.

"Do you know what that word means?" I ask.

We discuss the fact that they are insulting an entire group of peple with intellectual disabilities who deserve dignity and respect just like them. That when they use the word to insult someone, they are also insinuating that defenseless individuals are somehow bad as well.

We speak about the students at our school in our Life Skills or Intensive Needs classrooms and how they are not bad or wrong or broken.

We talk about Elias.

They agree not to use the word anymore and I'd like to say that I believe them, but between us, I doubt this one conversation will change their vocabulary as retard and gay seem to be the insluts of choice among elementary kids.

My guess is we'll be having this conversation again.

And again.

And again.

But I have hope for the boy who bounces before me.

Two years ago he wouldn't have thought twice before clocking the kid and here he sits telling me he doesn't want to fight the boy, he just wants him to stop insulting his culture.

"I'm proud of being native," he tells me.

"As you should be."

"I am."

"I know." I pause and look into his strong face. "I'm proud of being a woman and just for the record, it offends me when you called him a little girl who should go sit at the girls' table."

"But I don't think before I say things," he says, not wanting to offend me.

"Well did you ever think that maybe he doesnt think before he says things either,  that maybe the two of you have more in common than you realize?"

"Nuh-uh, he thinks before he says things," he says all earnest and adamant.

"How do you know?" I smile.  "You can't see his brain working."

He rocks on the ball and looks at me with his serious brown eyes. "I know because I saw him put his hand on his chin."

Aaaah, of course, the telltale hand on the chin.

Comments

[Danielle]

Oh, Christy. How can you fit so much into one post? You are doing great work with those kids...and with your own...AND you made me laugh out loud at the end. All on next to no sleep!

[Melissa]

I feel for that little boy. I feel for all those children in school, why cant we all get along? It takes one person in their lives to make a difference to help them become better people who then will try to raise there own children the right way. Your making that difference christy.
I grew up with racial slurs flung at me as a child and still as an adult I hear those insults and have to fight to control my anger so I wont try to jump in and fight them with my fists. I teach my own children to be proud of our heritage and to respect others. Like that little boy in your office, I am proud to be native. I am proud to be Lakota.

[fleming]

They are so lucky to have you at that school. I would've wanted to take both boys outside and hang them on pegs by their undies! Nobody would have learned a thing. When someone like you is there, I have faith that those kids will turn out ok. Oh and how do you keep a straight face when they say some of those things?

[Ginna]

just for the record, the anatomical name for the chin is "mentum" - so I guess at least he's going on the same indicators that inspired the bone-namers.

we're doing a community health project on bullying at one of the local high schools, and in a meeting yesterday, the members of my group admitted that they wouldn't defend someone who was being bullied, wouldn't step in. Thanks for being strong enough to show the kids what's right and take the time to explain why. As the recent rash of suicides of gay teens and college students indicates, bullying doesn't stop when we get out of elementary school. You could be saving somebody's life with the work you're doing now.

Thanks!

[Amanda Warner]

I just had to let you know that this post made me smile.
You are doing a good job in all fronts, for sure!

[Krista]

Never underestimate what may have changed through your conversation.... I still remember in junior high when I was using the R word and a friend explained to me how offensive it was (her father worked with developmentally disabled adults).

Never used that word again.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

[Noel Dennehy]

You are the best!! Believe in yourself.
I am a grandmother tonight- I of course sent pictures to your mum and aunt- I am in heaven.

[Jessica]

I am glad you are working with those kids. I teach in a special ed room and my first year there one of the aide would use the word retarded ALL the time!!! I couldn't believe it! My other aides and I would just look at each other and cringe. Finally, I got up the nerve to bring it up with her. I don't think she "got it", but she DID stop using the word in my room!
Have you seen the commercials where kids call something "gay" and the announce (usually a famous person) come out and says "how would you like it if someone says, "that is SO 16 year old girl"". I LOVE those commercials!

[Christy]

So this same boy was in my office during a lunch meeting with other kids who are "potential leaders". (they influence kids both positively and negatively)
In reference to something he said, "That's gay!" Then he looked at me and with a slight smile said "That's lame!"

Sometimes Fleming, I smile and laugh the moment they walk out the door, that is if I don't smile with them.

And yes, I love every word you all wrote here.