Sheep, what sheep? Give me the freakin' sheep!

I'm tired.

Before writing these two words, I sat here at the kitchen table with my hands on my cheeks thinking of different beginnings:

A girl changes everything...

No.

Let the games begin. Playing hockey and soccer and watching Papa's Giants score touchdowns on T.V...

No.

I can stills see clouds in the sky at 8:18 on October 3rd, but this is the month we lose over five hours of light a day. I see winter approaching and I'm not sure if I'm ready to reach out my hand...

No.

Holding the weight of my head in my hands, I dismissed each direction and stared into the fog of the screen.

Start with where you are?  What's your truth?

I'm tired.

As my Dada would say, I'm so god damn tired.

That place just beyond exhasution but before break down.

I want to write everything this head holds but over nine months without a full night's sleep is messing with my mind.

And with four top teeth cutting through, this week's been beyond brutal.

So its another picture night.

Someday this will be our bedroom, with windows and a patio door, walk-in closet and a double head shower:

And by the way, I'm in awe of my husband, who with the help of family and friends, is doing it all, while learning the skills of trades from carpentry to electrical to plumbing to all that goes into building homes.

Someday.

Until we finish, you'll find me in the door-less family room, wishing I could dream about my master suite, if only my children would let me sleep. Elias will be asking me to put my arm around him and trying to sneak his feet between my calves as Olive stands up against my shoulder and bounces at 4:00 am. or wakes in pain and screams at 2:00.

Yep.

Comments

[Faye]

I know you could do without unsolicited advice. ;) I'll simply say this: call me if you ever just want to vent and/or you would like to hear what worked for us. Take care!

[fleming]

I may not be as tired but I feel overwhelmed just the same. Someone joked about the holidays being right around the corner and I almost spit out my coffee! What happened to September? I want it back. RIGHT NOW! Do I sound like I am having a temper tantrum? Well, can't adults have them too? I'd better just take it one step at a time. Oh, and your husband IS amazing!

[massageon]

When Santino was a baby my Mother in Law would take him overnight once a week to let me sleep. At the time, I felt like a failure, looking back I just thank god she did.

Letting someone else get up with the little ones doesn't make you a bad Mother, it makes you Human. It's ok... I wish someone else had told me that at the time.

[Brooke]

I was going to suggest an overnight as well. Do you have anyone who can take both for a night. Even just one full night would make a huge difference for you...

[Deidre]

Hi Christy,
First, Nick is amazing, and it is so good to hear he gets to stay home and be an at home dad, what a gift. Second, I would guess one of the main, if not the main, reason his parents moved to Alaska is to be with the grandkids. I'm pretty sure if you called up Kathy she would be overjoyed to swap houses with you for a night, or let you get a hotel room. Teething baby and all. Family loves to help, but it is sometimes hard to balance helping and overstepping so the default is to hang back and wait to be asked. You could pay her back in salmon, beer and chocolate. Lack of sleep can make you crazy. One night might not make it all better, but it sure will help. If that isn't an option, I'm guessing in your wonderful circle there is some willing soul to take over for a night, even if you have to "hire" a sitter. Sanity is worth it. I hope you get some rest soon. You're doing a wonderful job, pat yourself on the back.

[Mom]

Hope you can get a breather before we get to Anchorage. But when Dad and I are there, please take advantage of us!! We would be glad to help out as much as possible. We miss you and Nick is "one in a million". You are two remarkable people and we are glad you found each other!

[Kate J]

Wishing you some sheep. You won't believe how good you will feel if you can get at least one good night in... (oh, I remember the days!)

[Christy]

I've put off an overnight for Olive with Grandma b/c she's been slow to take to food and has been primarily nursing. She usually refuses to be spoon fed but does OK with cheerios so we are starting to give her more finger foods.

Thank you all for writing to me though I've been slow with responses I'm quick to read.

I'll write more again.

[massageon]

Kind of forgot about the whole nursing thing. I suppose she doesn't take a bottle, which you could express breast milk into for her for just those few nights?

P.S. It is so neat to see your Mom write comments on here!! Makes me miss my Mom!! : )

[Gili's Mom]

I feel for you! My husband and I have been taking turns napping right after we put the kids to bed so we have a little energy to get us through the night, but then I got sick with tonsillitis and just got back from the hospital today. My husband looks like a zombie. But at least here the end is in sight when the majority of us won't be sick or teething. I wish you some deep sleep tonight!

[Erin]

So sorry about your lack of sleep... I can empathize wholly. I haven't had a full night's sleep since 2007, and being pregnant again, I'm not expecting one anytime soon. Motherhood changes everything, doesn't it? Hang in there, and remember that it won't last forever.