1. "You forgot to eat your lunch Mom," Elias says to me as he points to a glass plate of seashells on my desk. Oh yeah, you're legally blind, I think. I tend to forget that my son can't always see and that perhaps this is why he thinks the Alana in his class is the same Alana who is in Camp Fire, even though they don't look alike.
No wonder he misses so many social cues.
But he compensates so well for his lack of vision that our new Assistant Princapal didnt even notice that he was visually impaired.
2. Olive smiles and shakes her head, "No," as she dumps all her Cheerios on the ground. "No thank you, Olive," we say as we take her tray away.
"What is my sister doing?" Elias asks.
"Playing with her food."
"Why," he asks as he tilts his head to the side and looks at the floor.
"Oh, because she's a baby and that's what they do."
"Did I do that when I was a baby?"
"Yes."
"When was I a baby?"
Wasn't it just yesterday? How is it that you are you six? Who is this big boy with morning breath and reading glasses and expressions like: "I don't particularly like this."
3."He's digging in your pocket," the 1st grade girl tells me at recess.
"Its ok he's her son," the boy standing next to her says.
"He's your son?!?"
"Yes, this is Elias and I'm his school counselor aaaand his mother."
She looks from me to him and back again.
"What happened to him?" she asks wide-eyed and innocent.
4. Elias and Olive sit next to each other in the bath. Bones and chub. Muscled shoulders alongside marshmellow thighs. Elias pale and almost yellow with bags under his eyes, bruises and scratches like tatoos, ankles turned inwards, stiff and awkward. Olive all Gerber-baby with her rosy cheeks and kissable rolls. She reaches towards Elias, all smiles and he pushes her hand away. She laughs and reaches out again. He scowls as he looks into the milky water and I can't help but wonder what will happen when he really wants to know why...
5. If I've learned anything its that in this messy life of ours nothing is guaranteed. Olive could develop a life altering condition overnight. She could die in her sleep. She could continue to wrap me around those marvelous thighs of hers for years to come and then find an open window or a reckless driver who steers his way across and through my heart.
Life hurts.
This I know.
So Olive may not grow up, healthy and able, but if she does, if she makes it through, I hope she is sassy, wise and strong. And even more than that, I hope she loves her brother, loves him like a shark with a a Teddy Bear's heart.
6. Beer or wine at night and coffee in the mornings. That's how I survive these days. And before I judge myself for filling my cup, I'd like to propose a toast. May we all live for the moment!
7. There are days when I wish that I didn't work at the same school as my son. I am always Mommy, even at work. And sometimes my dual roles, school counselor and mother, conflict. I make the assembly worse for Elias by checking on him, giving him a false out. Or I know too much about a particular student in his class who spends a lot of time in the office for his violent tendencies. The counselor in me wants to support this boy; the mama bear in me want to take in out back.
During one of our meetings I even told him, "I'm putting my Mama hat on now." He looked around the room, then smiled as I pretended to put on a cap. "I don't want to hear about you messing with my son. You are more powerful than he is already, you can use that power to help him instead of hurting him."
The boy looks at me with eyes that have seen too much and I'm reminded, again, that we all have holes.
Elias runs towards me at recess, his blue canes hardly touching the ground, "I knew you would be out here!"
"I know you would be out here too!" I reach my arms out and we hug.
And I wouldn't want to work anywhere else.
Even when it's difficult.
As it is always difficult.
8. I keep my bike in the book closet by the back door of the school. After my 90 minutes of recess-duty, my guaranteed time outside in the middle of the day, I bike home. It takes me about a minute to get from the back playground to my driveway. If I went inside to my office first I'd never leave, I'd be pulled into the dramas of the day and forced to choose between responding to the children before me or returning home to my husband and child.
I only get a half-hour duty free lunch, but that small window of time with Olive and Nick bolsters me for the afternoon. Sometimes its hard to leave, but knowing they'll be there when I return helps me hop back on my bike and pedal around the corner.
And besides, you can't beat the commute.
9. "I hope my sister gets this classroom," Elias tells Ms. Myrna as she walks him from Camp Fire to his classroom at the end of the hall. He has stopped at one of the 3rd and 4th grade rooms, with large flowering plants along the window sills.
"Why?" Myrna asks.
"Because its the most beautiful classroom of them all."
When Myrna tells me this I have to hold back my tears. In action, Elias seems to despise his sister-- and yet here he is wishing beauty upon her.
Apart but together.
10. Happy ten months Miss Olive, like the tendrils of a vine that twist and stretch towards and away from each other, may you and your brother live long and interconnected lives.
how fabulous that you can go home and see nick and olive:)
Posted by: susanna eve | 10/19/2010 at 05:07 AM
My first years as a counselor I didn't even take a lunch break so to leave the building AND see my family is pure delight. Plus I don't have to worry about packing a lunch, one less thing to do in the mornings:)
Posted by: Christy | 10/19/2010 at 06:34 AM
We all worry about our kids relationships with each other but you didn't love your brother because he was athletic or smart or funny...you loved him because he was your brother. That was enough and it will be the same for Olive and Elias. They will always have each other.
Posted by: fleming | 10/19/2010 at 07:12 AM
very beautifully written. what little morsels of goodness in every point of interconnectedness. you bring my heart into my throat. take care.
Posted by: Corina Nicolette | 10/19/2010 at 07:31 AM
I can totally relate to the sibling thing. First hand as well as my own kids. My brother and I couldn't be in the same room with each other without initiating WWIII. Now, we are super close.
With my teens, they bicker and squabble and call each other out. However, they also have each others back to the same degree if not more, of what they argue. Love is an amazing power.
Posted by: Laurie | 10/19/2010 at 07:34 AM
This made me think of Elias, Olive, you. I sometimes tell my not quite 3 year old daughter to "play with" her just turned 1 year old brother while I run to do something quick. Then I'm shocked to see her grabbing at his arms, head, neck, legs with what seems like way too rough hands-- though, like Olive he is plump and delicious with baby chub. Then I thought the other day. I ask her to play with him. She doesn't know what I mean. She plays with him-- like she plays with her dolls. Always a chasm between heart, head, words. No matter how close.
Posted by: Josie | 10/19/2010 at 08:13 AM
I LOVE #9!
Think of that on your rough days. :)
Posted by: Erin | 10/19/2010 at 09:55 AM
I think every mom hopes their kids will have a strong bond as they age. I'm always trying to calm my mom down and convince her that my brother, who is in his last semester of college, is still unfinished. Just because he won't return our calls now doesn't mean we've lost him.
I think while you're taking life one day at a time, you also have to be optomistic about the big picture. Moment to moment, hour to hour, parenting isn't always so much fun. Last night I "IM-ed" my husband who was working in the other room, "We made it through the day!" LOL. as if having all three kids sleeping at 10 pm was such a success, or like the kids would stay asleep all night! What a day. But it's only by remembering that life will get better and we have so many reasons to believe that this is tough, but the future will be more fun, that we get through these days. It's the only way I got through highschool living with my parents, for that matter!
Posted by: Gili's Mom | 10/19/2010 at 11:21 AM
I grew up with only one of my siblings- my brother. We fought worse then cats and dogs but I can recall times were we had eachothers backs. We faced alot of prejudice due to being half lakota, not wanted by the whites and not wanted by the full blooded kids. I remember running headfirst into a group of boys who were beating him and gave it my all. When we were done and walking home he looked over at me- both his eyes were blackened, a split lip and bloody nose. He grinned at me and told me I looked horriable. I had a black eye and a bloody nose also. I told him he was ugly too and he hugged me.
Brothers and sisters are meant to fight and annoy one another. I think it brings n a stronger bond of love eventually lol
Posted by: Melissa | 10/19/2010 at 04:42 PM
Oh Josie, thank you for this story. I do think what I see as rough at times is just Elias trying to interact. Other times its is the sibling rivalry that Laurie talks about, like I had with my brother growing up too. And Flem, you're right, I loved him and still do because he's my brother even if because he's my brother and I'm his sister we've also not liked each other at times.
Gilismom, I love your description of your brother, unfinished. So true. i was that way for a long times and came back to my parents and family after I found myself.
Melissa, I keep thinking about your story, thank you for sharing. Brothers and sisters do fight and its good for me to remember this. I see it at school with the siblings there, kicking each other in the hallway or swearing at recess and I can remember countless times i slammed my door in tears because my brother, who's older didn't want to play with me. But yes when it really matters, when we were older, we were there for each other and know I know if I called him in need he'd help.
Posted by: Christy | 10/20/2010 at 10:07 PM
Hello Christy .... sorry if I do not use internet much at this time, but I am two months pregnant and suffering from bad nausea and very tired ..... you know better than me .... when I turn on the computer I am always reading your blog. greetings
Posted by: Sara | 10/21/2010 at 08:11 AM
just now reading this post; i love your writings, and yes, even though brothers and sisters sometimes squabble, the love for one another shines thru at just the right times.
Posted by: sylvia (heiresschild) | 11/28/2010 at 08:30 PM