Licking my Bowl of Guilt Stew Clean

I slammed Elias's finger in the Subaru door on Saturday. The middle finger of his right hand. His writing hand. His eating hand.

His walking hand.

And if you know me at all, you know I tend to beat myself up a bit, OK a lot,  so you can just imagine the emotional bruising I've self-administered this weekend.

We were outside Petco when it happened, on our way to pick out two new fish for Elias.

Red ones.

Elias climbed out of the back seat, reached back in to grab his canes, and put his hand on the door to close it. I decided to "help" him and gave it a shove too.

I can still see his finger in the door.

Elias's high pain threshold and delayed reaction time helped in this situation as he didn't try to pull it out before I re-opened the door; but we still spent the afternoon in the ER at Providence, our old stomping ground, with Elias crying: "I want to go home now!"

When Nick looked at his finger in the parking lot outside Petco--because of course I couldn't look at it-- he couldn't tell if it was broken and to be safe he drove us straight to the hospital, with two crying children, or I mean, make that three.

For after opening the door to release Elias's finger, I was pretty much useless.

It was Nick who wrapped Elias's finger with a sock from the diaper bag and acted as the rational calm parent in the face of an accident, while I just kept re-living  shoving the door closed and wondering why I couldn't be more patient and let him try to do it himself. So what if I had to re-close it afterwards, It would have been a hell of a lot better than seeing his little finger caught inside!

Ugh.

The image makes my stomach squirm. (Not to mention the sight of his exposed nailbed which I thought was his actual bone.) It's been over 24 hours now since I almost chopped off my own son's finger, and he's wearing a smaller bandage today but still, his little finger's a mess.

(Or is that me?)

He'll most likely lose the nail and it will take a while for his skin to heal, especially because he was still his normal busy self today using his hand to eat and draw and play with just the constant refrain of: "It feels funny with this big thing on my finger."

"Does it hurt?" I'd ask.

And though sometimes he'd say yeah he often ignored this question as pain is kinda fuzzy when you're a six-year-old boy with CP.

Pain, what pain?

The tip of you finger is a pulpy bloody mess!!!!

 I know, I'm being a bit dramatic.

He'll be ok.

He is OK. 

And sure, it may take me a little longer to heal, with my over-active imagination and propensity to stew in my own self-made guilt, but the thing is, Elias forgave me yesterday.

Elias forgave me yesterday.

(Now how long will it take me?)

Comments

[nerissa]

oh no! hope that you both heal quickly!

[Ginny]

Oh, the guilt! I'm so sorry this happened--this is one of my fears, that I will slam a child's hand in the car....so far, so good. My little guy does, however, have walking pneumonia, after coughing for over 2 weeks and not seeming *that* ill--at least the doctor told me not to feel like a bad mom after she told me what he had.

[massageon]

I cut off the tip of Santino's finger with nail clippers once when he was about 5 months old. He was being a squirmy baby, and I was just not patient enough to wait till he'd calmed down to cut them. I still feel guilty about that. His poor little finger!!! But he is fine, the skin grew back, and we moved on to bigger and better things, Elias will too.

[Tabatha]

I'm sorry, Christy. One time, my son got tangled in my legs as I was carrying his baby sister and I fell on him. He banged his head on the sidewalk and his face got scraped up. It wasn't entirely my fault, but I felt terrible.
This weekend, he played soccer when he was hurt and he got more hurt. I feel like I should have done something to stop him, even though he is twelve.
What can I say, guilt springs eternal.

[fleming]

the bummer is you will forgive yourself but always remember that it happened. At least that is how my brain works...I can remember EVERY darn mistake I ever made. Elias will NOT remember it on the other hand. He will turn his energy to more useful pursuits and you should try to do the same. You've kept him alive and happy all these years so what is one hurt finger?

[Christy]

Thanks for sharing your guilty mom stories too and for reminding me that, even if I don't forget, one hurt finger is still small in the grand scheme of life.

[Noel Dennehy]

I still remember getting my finger slammed in the door- not the pain- but how upset my mother was for doing it. I played that card for all it was worth and I think I got at least 2 new dolls out of it. But I was sure careful about my fingers and doors after that. Kids bounce back so fast and pain is so fleeting- well, hell- remember childbirth!
Take care super sensitive mom you are doing great!

[Jessica]

(((HUGS))) to both of you! I shut (well not all the way) the van door on my daughters leg once. N I couldn't shut her left leg in I had to shut her right leg her "hemangioma leg" as she calls it that is ALREADY painful! It hurt hurt but didn't bruise and was fine.I felt so bad. I called my husband and told him I was taking the kids to McDonalds to fix my guilt. She of course over heard and told everyone in the store that she was getting Mcdonald's cause her mommy hurt her :P

[Abby]

Add me to the list, big Expedition, tiny 4 year-old finger. She is now 14 and seems ok! Probably will talk about in therapy when she is older. Sometimes you can't win! :)

[Jaki]

I did that to Jeremy when he was about 2 years old....he cried and cried and held his breath and turned purple and passed out and regained consiouness and cried and cried and cried...so did I (cried...I didn't pass out!)...but he was fine...my husband blamed me saying he would never have been so careless as to slam Jeremy's finger in the car door....I already felt horrible and this made it worse! But Jeremy was okay and he wasn't mad at me and although I can still see the incident clearly in my mind as if it happend yesterday and not 4 1/2 years ago...Jeremy has no memory of it happening. Kids bounce back so quickly and are so great at leatting things go and not holding grudges....thank God or all our kids would hate us before they hit 10!

[Courtney]

Oh noooo! I know exactly how you feel. The very first haircut I gave Jimmy, in fact the very first SNIP, guess what I cut? His sweet widdle, tender baby EAR! :O It was horrifying. He kind of flinched incredulously, slowly turned his head and gave me the most confused look as tears welled up in his eyes. Oh, lord. I'm crying just thinking about it. I think that Mommies do this, beat themselves up I mean, for a reason. The baby see's your remorse and hurt and, well, I think they experience it as love. My Mom was the opposite. She'd threaten to hit me when I was injured, and that really damaged my psyche. Forgiveness toward yourself is important, but i think it will always hurt to think about, and maybe it's the way it's supposed to be?

[Kit]

Ugh! Yes, I think all moms share the finger-in-the-door fear. When I was young, I shut my little sister's hand in the car door. I still feel bad when I think about it!

[Laurie]

After Elias feels better about it, but before all signs of it are gone from the finger, you and he can spend an evening making up funny stories about how it happened, and what his finger had to say about it. i.e. saving the world from a hungry ostrich, that sort of thing!

[Kate J]

(((Hugs)) to all who have accidently done something which resulted in their child getting hurt! It happened to me a few times when I was a child (car door slammed on hand, heavy apt. door closing to cut off a finger, me sticking Grandma's hairpin into an outlet = burn injury), and then, unfortunately to my own children! Most recently closed the van door on my handicapped child's foot as we were headed into the therapy clinic. OHHHH! At least we were in the vicinity of medical attention. It does so hurt (me) to remember. The kids were all fine in each case. We all try to be more careful. too.

[Emily]

Do you know why Elias forgave you? Because he loves you and he knows that you love him. He knows what is in your heart, how you feel towards him and that you'd NEVER, EVER do that on purpose. I think a kiddo with cp understand accidents, being impulsive, doing something he wishes he hadn't done.. I mean, maybe Elias can't talk about all of these things yet, but he certainly feels them and lives them. And maybe that's why he can forgive you so readily for being hasty and making a mistake.. and maybe that's why you can forgive yourself. You'd do the same for him.