A lunar eclipse on the eve of winter solstice.

The moon darkens as I write; and though tomorrow is our shortest day of the year, it marks the beginning of longer days to come.

We gain slowly at first but in these dark days of December, a shift in the tides is a reason to celebrate, from here on out we gain daylight instead of losing it.

We gain time.

Or so it seems.

And lately time, for me, is the elusive trickster I can't hold.

I want time away from my children, time to think, time to create, time to write, time to play, time to finish a conversation with Nick without interruption...

And yet I don't want Olive to be one already.

One? What!?!

Where did the time go?

And Elias almost seven?!

How can it be?

Stop growing already! Hurry up and become independent so I can have time to myself. No, wait, stop! Need me! Leave me alone! Give me space! Give me a hug...

Crazy making.

As if this time of year isn't crazy enough.

Add a full moon lunar eclipse to the mix and, well, I'm doomed to be a bit loony.

Let me know if I have any company in this bin.

Comments

[Karen Erickson]

You will always have company in the bin Christy, just push over and make room for the rest of us!!
Lovely writing, and give the birthday girl a hug from me. :)
- Karen

[Shelley]

Thank goodness it's a very large bin!

[Kate J]

I always thought I was nuts, thinking, "Leave me alone already!" alternately with, "Talk to me!" It must be a balance we seek.

[Karen]

Yep, the days go by slowly, the years go by fast. Karen

[fleming]

Birthdays have a way of doing that to me too. The kids run out to play in the snow and I can't wait to mail christmas cards or do some wrapping and then I see them playing outside my window and I run to grab my boots to join them...afraid I will miss the moment. I never felt real conflict until I became a mother. I want to do everything and there isn't enough time.

[jill]

hahaha, you are not alone. My personal favorite is when my husband (dear god, how am I so lucky to find him?) gives me the "OMG, hope this passes soon" look:)

[Kathy Sue]

We want them to grow to be independent, and we want to be needed. It never stops. It didn't stop for my mother, no matter how old we grew, and I struggle with the day that hurtles toward me when neither of my children are within my physical reach. I love my independence, but I want to hear their voices. So next year, when they are thousands of miles away, I will still want them near. Thank God for our husbands! If we are lucky, they grow only closer to us through the years.

[Faye]

Elias is looking so grown up!

[Kate T'91]

Yup. Right there with you. And it feels like a push pull thing. Our are 6,4,2 and at times I can see that there might be a time eventually when we have our bed back, consistent nighttime sleep by all, no more diapers etc, but most days doesn't seem close enough. chocolate, wine/beer, and exercise seem to help.

[Greta]

If you want company in crazy, you can always call on me. A friend from college used the words "typical aplomb" to describe my way. Somehow that has all changed and I wish I could blame it on the moon and stars.

[Christy]

Glad to know I am in good company and that the bin is big enough for all of us!

[Ginny]

Oh yes, much company. My oldest will be 10 in January, my baby is 5 going on...I don't know, old. Next Friday marks 7 years since the death and birth of my second child and how can I possibly have been without him for so long??

Oh yes, much company.

[JenniferB]

My oldest is almost 15 and my younger one is 9 -- and I have moments of utter panic that they are "almost grown up" and then hair-pulling moments of "seriously -- grow up already!" What a push/pull we feel in our hearts, as mothers. And I think I forgot to ask Santa for padded wallpaper for myself this year. ;)

[Barbara]

I have felt that tug in two directions, too! Seems like I live in a time warp sometimes.

Merry Christmas! Barbara

[katie]

yet another thing no one tells you when you are pregnant!

[Sarah]

Just read this post now...a few days late, but I wanted to know that I am definetly in that bin with you! I constantly feel that pull and tug of please be older and more independent and oh my God you are growing up way too fast! Sometimes, I think that I feel them both at once, lol. I guess that's just how it is one you are a working mom of 2. You need them to be more independent for the sake of your own sanity, but at the same time you are so sad to watch them grow and become more independent. Really no one tells you how conflicted and guilty you will feel as a mother when you are pregnant. I am really just trying to enjoy the ride and to be more forgiving of the kids and myself.