My Resolution to Unresolve

Where to begin....

I love the idea of starting anew on January first, as if a change in the calendar year has the power to alter my personality, to strengthen my will, to transform me into the woman I seek, the one who never wallows or shoulds or guilts or swallows too much chocolate. The one who crosses off every item on her list, saves her money, never interrupts her honey, and remembers to stretch her tired limbs.

Oh her.

You know, that version of yourself you always aspire to and never reach-- but, undaunted, you will try, try, and try again.

And maybe that's what its all about, the pursuit of a better you, not actually becoming Mega Mom.

Or Wonder Wife.

Or Fantastic Friend.

Or Dynamic Daughter.

Or any combination of an over-the-top adjective and a role you play.

Maybe we set the bar so high so we can fail again and again but never give up.

So we can sob in the bathroom with the door locked because we just need two minutes alone to grieve for what will never be; but we don't flush down the key, we just reopen our eyes to see what is before us.

What is right before us.

What is right.

I could write ten thousand resolutions for this new year for I could paint a better version of me every morning and alter it by night. I could paint layer upon layer of how I want to be, of my dreams for my family, for this world of ours that seems to be spinning faster, beyond our grasp, as we try to chase it, like children running behind a ball that speeds down hill.

It all could be better.  We could be better.

More peaceful.

More tolerant.

More patient.

More kind.

And so, this year, I resolve to begin with me, to spend less time painting ideal versions of myself on my living-room walls and more time just living.

To unresolve and just begin again and again...

...and yet again.

 

Comments

[susanna eve]

a friend wrote this about the xmas holidays but I think it applies really well to the new year and resolutions too: have less expectations and more acceptance.
That's what I am trying this year and to begin at it again each day.

[tiffls]

amazing...love it! Now if us Moms can remember this all year...:)

[Laura]

Thanks, Christy! A wise woman once told me "it's enough to have lived". That's one of the one-liners that keeps me (mostly) sane.

[Silvana]

Happy New Year Christy! You are an amazing woman, mom, friend... you are an amazing person. Blessings.

[Mom]

You are an amazing daughter! We love you for who you are - not what you may want to be!

[elizabeth]

happy, happy new year! i love you just the way you are -- and lucky us, you take the time to write -- that is a real gift of a fantastic friend :-). xo

[Christy]

Oh, i love you all too and you know you bolster me, you do!

"Stop rhyming I mean it!"

"Would anyone like a peanut?"

(From one of my all time favorite movies. Do you know which one?)

[Ginna]

apparently, so many years after his death, andre the giant STILL has a posse :-) (Fezzig! from the princess bride!)

Love your resolution Christy. I am one who likes to make a list of concrete goals when the new year starts. but for the past few years I've been forgetting where I put the list, and well... this year my resolution is to let love guide my actions. simple, easy to remember, and yet potentially impossible to succeed if success is the goal.
Instead, I'm going with what my yoga teacher says and making it an "intention." That sounds so much friendlier and more forgiving somehow....

Also, I watched the Voyage of the Dawn Treader with my Mom last week. In one part a little girl turns to an older one and says, I want to grow up to be just like you! And the older girl (who has earlier in the movie learned this very same important lesson) says, I hope you grow up to be just like you! That's my (stolen) wish for all of us - that we can grow up to be just like ourselves.
Definitely a lesson I can use to think about a few million times.