On most days, Elias follows me around at recess, talking about what the other kids are doing but not playing with them. Kids say hi to him but don't include him in their games. Elias talks to the noon duties or his Aide but not so much to the other first and second graders who move so quickly on their able little bodies, running from the small playground to the big playground or out to the field where I usually set up the cones for soccer.
Elias often stands by me in the middle of the soccer game.
"I'm playing for both teams," he says.
"Ok."
Kids still stare at him as he bounces up and down on his blue crutches and some are still just know figuring out that he's my son.
"I wish my mom worked here," a little boy said to me last week.
"Yep, Elias is pretty lucky; I'm his mom and the school counselor."
I often have to walk and sometimes run away from Elias during recess to respond to injuries or fights and when I scan the playground for him he is often standing in the same spot, alone.
Some days its hard to watch; some days I don't have time to check on his whereabouts as I respond to kids in need.
This week something shifted.
On Monday, he stood as usual in the middle of the soccer game, as I ran around with the kids; but he was with another student, a little blond girl who told me in the beginning of the year, "My mom use to have crutches just like Elias!" Her name's Ellie and she is always sweet to Elias and he often talks about her at home. While the more athletic kids chased the soccer ball the two of them hung out in a little hole, or as Elias calls it "the dip" in the middle of the field.
"Do you want to play where I'm the mom and your my kid again?" Ellie asked Elias.
Again... I smiled.
"Yeah," he said and bounced before following her as she ran across the field.
On Tuesday, I stood at soccer with Elias, and Ellie came up to us and told me about a boy in her class who was bad. I know this boy well.
"He's not bad sweetie he just makes hurtful choices sometimes."
"Ellie...Elllie...Ellie...Ellie," Elias said as she and I talked.
"Elias, is there something you want to ask Ellie?"
"Yeah, do you want to play in the dip again?"
Ellie looked at the kids playing soccer and said, "I don't think that looks safe."
I turned and pointed towards a mound of dirt by the small playground, "You could play on the little hill over there."
"Yeah! Come on Elias!"
He laughed and followed her, running, falling, and getting up again to meet his friend at the hill. For the rest of the recess the two of them stood on their mound and every so often ran to the nearest tree, Ellie getting their before Elias could process the plan but follow her did, smiling.
I held back tears as I watched them play, turning away and kicking the soccer ball. My boy has a friend!
That night at dinner I asked him what they were playing and he said, "We were running away from _______" and he said the name of the boy that Ellie called bad.
Another little special needs kid, part of the tribe.
And so I tried again to talk about how there are no bad kids but realized mid-conversation that Elias was just following Ellie between the mound and the tree, liking the game of running away and it didn't matter what name she said, it could have been mine and he still would have giggled and followed her to the moon.
On Wednesday Ellie and Elias AND two other children played between the mound and the tree and yelled, "alert" when some other kids came near.
"What are you playing?" I asked Ellie.
"We're running away from the bad kids!"
"Remember Ellie there aren't bad kids..." and I went on with my counselor lecture and the difference between kids hearts and their actions yadda yadda..
"Yeah, I know," she said as she ran back to her game.
And I thought about all the times I played cops and robbers or cowboys and indians and how they were just playing that same recycled game in their own imaginary but real way and I smiled because Elias was a part of it all, playing.
On Thursday, Elias stood on the mound alone.
At first he was there with another boy who ran off to the small playground saying, "Elias come on!" But he moved too quickly and found other kids to play with before my son could choose to follow.
I watched him from across the field, standing on that little hill by himself, looking down, and again I held back tears.
Ellie was off at the big playground wandering around with an umbrella on a sunny day, talking to herself. I wanted to walk over to her and bring her to Elias but I knew I couldn't.
Before long Elias found me at soccer. "Where's the ball?" he asked.
"Its over there," I pointed and told him who had it and like an announcer described the play.
"Where is it now?" he asked as his eyes can't track the ball when its kicked far.
When I told him he asked, "Are you playing?"
"Kinda."
And then he truned away and said, "Maybe Ellie will play with me."
And I wanted to cheer because he initiated a desire to play with his friend. "She's at the big playground. I'll show you where." We walked away from the soccer game towards the slides. "There she is," I said and then as he ran towards her I held back, ressiting the urge to follow him to her and facilitate.
So I didn't hear their conversation but before the bell rang the two of them made their way back across to the mound.
And my fear of rejection skipped away as I watched Elias walk into lunch with his friend.
Here's hoping for a happy Friday!
Happy sighs and slightly leaky eyes here. Lovely. Just heart-warmingly lovely.
Posted by: niksmom | 04/29/2011 at 04:58 AM
That's great Christy - Toby has had a similar pathway to friendship. He's always been friendly to all but largely a "solo" kid when it comes to playtime and recess and after school stuff. This year, he has made one good friend - it's been awesome. (Two or three times prior, he's had a kid who he really likes and they've been friends for a bit - but in the end, kids are pretty active and Toby gets left in the dust; plus, it's just hard to "leave" Toby at other folks' house when he needs some level of care help). The lesson for me is that unlike with his older sister (who has more friends than I can keep track of), all you need is one...just one friend is enough :)
Posted by: Sara | 04/29/2011 at 05:57 AM
Truly a happy Friday for your family!
Posted by: Lee | 04/29/2011 at 06:16 AM
Hooray for Ellias! Hooray for Ellie! Hooray for that other kid, too! I hope today turns out to be another good playday for them.
Posted by: Ginna | 04/29/2011 at 07:03 AM
So relieved it ended well! so heartbreaking to watch our kids navigate this friendship thing. we're struggling with some major bullying stuff and the clinical side of me is all understanding of its roots, concern for the bullying child, but the mother part is all bear.
Posted by: Kate | 04/29/2011 at 03:24 PM
Oh such wonderful little steps and lets hope they become big steps. Oh the joy of a friend- its a start. Deep breath Mom- you are doing a super job!
Posted by: Noel Dennehy | 04/29/2011 at 07:10 PM
Hurray for nice kids!! (Not that there are bad ones, but...)
Posted by: daniele | 04/30/2011 at 12:41 PM
love this story -- what a treat for all three of you! xo
Posted by: elizabeth | 04/30/2011 at 01:37 PM
"Yep, Elias is pretty lucky; I'm his mom and the school counselor."
And by the way--truer words were never spoken!!
Posted by: danielle in zurich (again) | 05/01/2011 at 10:40 AM
exciting news christy! where there is one friend there are sure to be others.
Posted by: fleming | 05/02/2011 at 06:01 AM
That's so sweet! Do you get lonely now without your buddy playing for both teams?
Posted by: Gili's Mom | 05/02/2011 at 11:16 AM
I want to say that they've been playing together every day since I wrote this but Elias still keeps me company at soccer and Ellie still wanders around the playground, with the two of them friendly but not playing together always as friends--but that's also their personalities so I'm still hopeful and happy about their interactions so far.
Posted by: Christy | 05/03/2011 at 09:10 PM