"I want you to come back in here right now!" Elias stands at the back door crying.
"I'll be back to read you a story." I hop on my road bike for the first ride of the spring.
"Nooooooooooooo!!!," he wails.
Olive screams behind him. "Go," Nick waves his hand at me.
I sob as I open the gate. Split open like a wishbone.
I started crying earlier in the night.
One of those days....
It's hard spending all day responding to the needs of children and returning home to needy kids. Wanting to be Super Mom to make up for lost time. Wanting, desperately, to be alone.
It's hard.
Always. Being a mom. And working outside the home. And still wanting to do things on your own. I want to bike and run and play soccer and hockey and hike and write and grow flowers. I want to travel to Australia and perform poetry on stage again. I want a night out with the girls and a honeyman with my husband. I want to sleep until I'm done and then do it some more.
I want time with Nick.
I want me time.
I want...
Just like Elias, howling at the back door.
Ditto. 47 kids on IEPs at school and 1 at home...And that's not including the other 150+ students on my list. It can be exhausting to the mind.
Posted by: Meg | 05/03/2011 at 09:36 PM
I hear you! I think that all working Mom's feel that way. I certainly do! I am a full time Grad student in Speech patholgy: classes and clients and internships and two little boys at home who need me, one with autism. It is hard to be a working mom. It is even harder to be a working mom who has a special needs child. You are not alone Christy! There are days when I feel I will drown in all the guilt, but we are doing the very best that we can and we love our children with all our hears. No one can ask for more than that, and if you can, make that honeymoon with your husband happen!
Posted by: Sarah LaBonte | 05/04/2011 at 05:22 AM
Amen.
Posted by: lisa | 05/04/2011 at 06:50 AM
maybe the bike ride helped you regain your balance and maybe next time when you are feeling like supermom again, you can pull them behind you. forgive yourself.
Posted by: fleming | 05/04/2011 at 08:17 AM
Sending hugs and wishes that we had the magic wand to make all of it balance. *sigh* FWIW, you are setting an excellent example for both your children by continuing to find whatever ways you can to maintain your own activities and identity. I know it doesn't feel like it in those tearful moments, but you are. Truly.
Posted by: niksmom | 05/04/2011 at 12:10 PM
I know that you know this but.... Taking care of you is not just for you. Those sweet loved ones at home benefit too... even if they don't know it yet.
xx
Posted by: Kate Kripke | 05/04/2011 at 01:29 PM
Just give that Nick a huge KISS for he totally understands you. You are the working mom's identity- it is SO HARD and it is so rare to have a man- a partner- who understands. I am part of the next phase of life: my husband just had a quadruple by-pass- partly genetics and partly caused by him thumbing God and smoking cigars and enjoying that wonderful 1, 2, 3, etc. cocktail. I feel like I have another child again and I am missing that wonderful partner that you have. Today in ICU he totally entertained me for he was not at the hospital but visiting other cities- he was having a great time- not really for he was still in so much pain in his chest. OK, too much info but I love being part of your family. You are so blessed with a fabulous husband and parents on both sides. Your parents are counting down the days until you are home with them.
I am a hospital zombie and hope I made sense.
Posted by: Noel Dennehy | 05/04/2011 at 07:56 PM
Noel, so sorry to hear you are hospital bound, I'm sending your husband healing energy and you the strength needed to take care of him with everything else you do.
To all, thanks for getting me and reminding me that i am helping my kids when I care for myself. What made last night so rough was a hard day with defiant kids at school and then coming home to a little boy that I love but who lacks empathy and believes the world revolves around him and I found myself in tears b/c I didn't even want to be near Elias with his constant demands and hurtful behaviors towards his sister. I wanted to put them both to bed at 6:45 even though I didn't get home till 5:15 and then Nick sent me out for a bike ride, for a break, which was needed but hard to leave him behind with two melting down kiddos who wanted their mommy, so I only biked for about 20 minutes, until I stopped crying and enjoyed the feel of my body moving in space, and returned in time to read Elias a story and I'm rambling now but I think you all get that feeling of being pulled apart at the seems.
Tonight was another hard day at work but Nick and I made a plan last night to play with the kids after dinner, no matter what, no computer or tv or iphone, just play. We played hide and seek which is always comical with a legally blind kid and I actually was able to lie still under a blanket in the middle of the romp room for ten minutes as Elias looked for me...alone time, hey, I'll take what I can get:)
Posted by: Christy | 05/04/2011 at 08:22 PM
just wanted to know that i follow your blog. you speak with a clear voice for those of us raising extra special children and then working with high needs children in our day job. wishbone helped me release the flood gate of tears i have been fighting for 2 weeks. i am grateful. thanks for being you.
Posted by: [email protected] | 05/06/2011 at 08:52 AM