"What are those blue-purple flowers?" Elias points towards our sloped rock garden in our front yard.
"Irises." I bend down to pull clover and chickweed from between the stones. Elias ditched his canes somehwere in the back yard, so every-time his balance falters he steadies himself by pushing down on the back of my head.
It's getting old.
"Remember I'm not stable," I tell him. "You may want to find one of your canes." Secretly, I hope this will give me a moments reprieve from his barrage of questions and strong hands. I just want to pull weeds in silence. Tackle something small and tangible that asks nothing of me.
"Is the Iris sooo beautiful?"
"I think so."
"I think so." Elias repeats. "Did you plant them or were they here?"
"They were here." He falls on me again, pushing hard on the back of my neck. "Ow, please don't push down on my head, Elias, I don't like it when you do that." I look up at him for a response.
"What is that orange flower?"
I wait.
"What is that orange flower? Mom, Mom, Mama.."
"A Poppy."
"Is the Poppy sooo beautiful."
"Yes," I sigh, "The poppy is sooo beautiful."
"Did you plant them or were they here?"
"I planted that one." I walk away from him to find my own space amidst the flowers.
A second later, he follows with his awkward gate, back swayed, arms out. "Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mama..."
If you don't respond instantly, Elias will repeat indefinitely.
I don't look up as he rests his hand on my back. "Yes?"
"Are you sooo beautiful?"
I stop weeding and smile at my seven-year-old son. "What do you think?"
"Yes! I think you are sooooo beautiful." He holds onto my pants and bounces and I wonder why just a moment ago I wished him away.
I give him a kiss on the top of his head. "Thank you Elias, you make me feel soooo beautiful."
It's moments like this that take our breath away, isn't it? You are so beautiful and you STILL deserve some quiet time alone! LOL
I hope you find it soon.
Posted by: niksmom | 06/26/2011 at 02:44 AM
He made me cry! What a beautiful comment and so true!
Posted by: Mom | 06/26/2011 at 06:42 AM
Christy,
I can so absolutely relate with this post. My son does not have CP but he does have autism. I get the same barrage of questions and the same incessant repetition of "mom, mommy, mom, mommy," if I do not respond the second he calls me. I too have wished him away at times. I have just wanted to be alone in place where I did not have to think about his issues and his akwardness but it bears down on you like the heavist of weights. Just like Elias, my son will do something so adorable and sweet and I will find myself thinking,"There's nothing wrong with him. I am the one with the problem." It's so hard, but thank you for baring your soul. It's nice to know that other moms out there feel annoyed at times even of they know their children can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I must just be awful, but when I read what you or other moms with special needs children write, I feel like I am just human. Thank you and please know that you are not alone.
Posted by: Sarah LaBonte | 06/26/2011 at 08:13 AM
Yes, beautiful. This life, this moment, this irritation, this soul, this stress. All of it, beautiful and terrible and wondrous and all we have.
Posted by: danielle in zurich | 06/27/2011 at 06:20 AM
absolutely beautiful. i love how honest you are with yourself and us! I find i vacillate often from just wanting my own space to get whatever i'm working on done without a million interruptions to wanting to hold my daughter and never put her down. Elias' comment and your response made me tear up - thank you so much for sharing!
Posted by: ashley | 06/27/2011 at 11:26 PM
As a mom in a similar situation as you, I think you are going to find Olive asking a lot of questions as she gets older, too. Many questions followed by 'why?' Thank you so much for your posts! The polarity of motherhood is astounding!
Posted by: Kimberly | 06/28/2011 at 06:00 PM
I have been away for a week and just now have caught up with your blogs. Oh, Christy- you have done so much for other mothers- opening a window for them to hear you and your gift of words. I take care of an asperger boy every day and have been doing so for almost 4 years now. There is so much help out there and once you have a label- many more doors open up. At least now, you can understand why he repeats and doesn't understand so much- it helps but I know it is one more label on the pile of so many others. Keep writing and releasing the pain but he has come so far and you, Nick, and Olive will help and go even farther. He is blessed with a fabulous family. Lots of love
Posted by: Noel Dennehy | 06/28/2011 at 06:27 PM