The Day Our Computer Died

(Or Oh the Irony)

Last Wednesday, the day our computer died, was the same day I found out I did not receive a $6,000 grant for parents who are writers that I could have used for a new computer and to pay a babysitter so I actually have time to write.

Ugh.

Seconds after I read the rejection email with the words: We read again and again how money equals time--time for art and time for family--and we wish all artists had the time they need, Olive climbed up on my lap with a full stinkin' diaper.

"You need a change," I said as I carried her off to her room.

"I have a poop too," Elias chimed in as he followed me through the house. And I wanted to bury my face in a pillow and scream but instead I methodically cleaned my children's butts as disappointment joined with my inner critic to kick me in mine.

And we really could have used the money.

I don't get paid till mid-September and with Nick not working our accounts are looking mighty thin. And yes, money equals time, time for art, time to write, time for kids or time away from the needy little creatures that consume us.

So of course, last Wednesday, an evening I had set aside to write as Nick fished at Ship Creek and Elias and Olive slept, our old MacBook froze with only a question mark appearing on the screen.

Of course.

WTF???

And it has taken till today, Sunday, for Nick to recover our photographs and files--I spent most of Saturday believing we had lost all images of our children past 2008. Olive wasn't born until December of '09 and we don't have a single photo album. Gone. Just like that. I hate computers and I rely fully on them to communicate and record.

Oh the irony.

Unable to help Nick in his recovery process--I'm an inept technophobe who still types with three fingers-- I spent the last few days outside weeding clover and chickweed with furious hands, trying to control something. I pulled out my bucket of shells and decorated window sills and the rocks that edge our garden beds. Climbed a ladder to trim our lilac tree, losing myself in the puzzle of branches. Anything but sit inside near our computer that failed and my own guilt that hovered above it saying: You know you should have printed pictures ages ago you negligent Mom you, you irresponsible record-keeper who spent hours as a kid leafing through your own baby book and yet here you are with nothing tangible for your own children to hold.

God, I hate my inner critic. She feeds on guilt and blame until she's so bloated she can bowl anyone over with the weight of her words.

With grass paper cuts and rose thorns in my fingers, I pulled weeds and pulled weeds and yet everywhere I looked I could still see them; I could pul clover and chickweed  for centuries and my garden beds would never be clean.

On Friday, I took a break to walk to a garage sale in our neighborhood with Elias. The seventy-year-old couple recognized us-- its hard to blend in when your seven-year-old son walks with the help of blue forearm crutches we call canes.

"You live over on the corner of Logan and 17th right?" the elder asked from his perch in the shade of his garage.

"Yes, we moved into the neighborhood a year and a half ago."

"You are doing a great job with the outside of your house," he said, "It hasn't looked that good in 30 years."

"Thank you," I smiled. Where I saw only daunting weeds he saw beauty, reminding me to step back and see the big picture.

We may lose the images of our children but we have two beautiful children.

Two. Beautiful. Children.

We may live paycheck to paycheck but we own a house and we have a whole lot of love to make up for our lack of money.

Later that day, Elias and I stood on the sidewalk pulling the weeds that relentlessly grow through our chainlink fence. A large young woman with dark skin walked towards us, only to be stopped by Tonz who insisted on smelling her crotch.

"Sorry," I said, "He's friendly, overly so."

"Its ok," She smiled.

Elias walked over to her without his canes. He grabbed onto her leg when he lost his balance. "Who are you?"

"It's more polite to say what is your name," I reminded Elias, as I do almost every time he approaches a new person.

"I'm Danielle. What's your name?"

"Elias." He grabbed her hand and held it in his. "What are you doing?"

"I'm walking home."

I walked over and handed Elias his cane. "Here babe, use this for balance."

He didn't let go of Danielle's hand as he stumbled on the edge of the curb and she shifted her weight to hold him steady.

"I guess you could say we are all overly friendly." I reached out my hand to shake hers. "I'm Christy. Nice to meet you Danielle."

"Where do you live?"  And before she could even answer, I predicted Elias's next question. "What is your house number?" The boy is obsessed with house numbers.

"Did you invite us over to your house for dinner?"  Elias asked and I cringed at his lack of boundaries, as I often do when he initiates conversations with strangers. I have caught him sitting on people's laps, holding hands, leaning against legs, helping himself to food, reaching into pockets. Forget about stranger danger or the personal space bubble, with Elias anybody is fairgame for his wandering questions and hands. My stomach often drops in social situations with Elias. Sometime I want to be the one who smiles and walks away.

The next day we received this note in our mailbox:

Elias,

I just wanted to let you know that meeting you, your mommy, and your dog was the best part of my day yesterday! Before I came around the corner to your house I was having a pretty bad day but after holding your hand and talking with you that all turned around for me. You're such an amazing little  fella, you're so inquisitive and you have the most beautiful spirit. It was truly a blessing to meet you and I will not soon forget how that quick encounter change my life.

Your around the corner neighbor,

Danielle

Another reminder to just let go, to wrap my inner critic in duct tape and shove her in the crawl space of my mind, to enjoy all that is instead of lamenting over what is not.

And here I am, typing on my same old no-longer-frozen computer with a new hard drive and though our pictures don't show up in iphoto Nick found the files this morning. 

Maybe I'll actually print some one day.

Oh time, how I seek you.

 

 

Comments

[Greta]

Wow, your writing blows me away again. And Danielle needed to bump into you guys - not anyone else- this particular day.

[Faye]

This post left me smiling with tears in my eyes. Thanks for the much needed reminder, Christy. (((hugs)))

[danielle in zurich]

Now you have a Danielle around the corner. I'm (almost) jealous. So sorry about the grant. I have been writing kids' books and getting nothing but rejections myself--okay, two books so far. Sigh. Let's hang in there.

[danielle in zurich]

PS: Print x number of photos (your faves) and buy the simplest album, the kind where you slip the photo into the little pocket. Quick and easy.

[Beth]

Such a beautiful post! You had me in tears first thing in the morning. You are a great writer, and I'm so happy you all met Danielle :)

[Sarah]

We too lost all our photos last year. I felt horrible. One year later (last week) hunting through the kitchen junk drawer I found an unfamiliar thumb drive. Plugged it into the computer, and lo and behold: all our missing photos. I could've cried.

What a sweet story about Danielle. Elias reminds me of the seven year old girl who lives across the street from us - she is the most outgoing, curious kid ever born. She starts hugging anybody within an hour of meeting them, and invites me over to dinner (without her mother's knowledge) every single time I see her. I keep a running count for her mother of the number of times I've saved her from surprise dinner guests :-).

[whirled_peas]

I love this post! One of my faves.

[Beth]

Your writing is unbelievable. Your ability to self explore is so unique. I hope your family continues to see growth and prosperity. You surely deserve it. Your fishing pictures are outstanding too; like the rest of your photography.

[Sarah]

Can you put the pictures on a CD? That's fast, and then you can print some later, or even, when finances permit, use on online service for better quality prints than you can do at home unless your printer is very good. I faced this whole issue recently myself. I e-mail the best pictures to myself and use the Web-based e-mail as storage also.
What a valuable post this was. I hope Danielle turns out to be the treasure of a neighbor she seems so far.

[Bonnie Blackburn]

A wonderful reminder that who we think we are on the inside often isn't reflected in the eyes of those who see our outsides. A beautiful post, Christy.

[Becka]

Loved this post- Danielle's letter brought tears to my eyes. You write so beautifully of the struggles and joys of being a mom- I always feel a little less alone after reading your blog!

[fleming]

you know what they say about computers," backup and reboot." or do they say that about life sometimes....hum.

[niksmom]

Whew. I was holding my breath through much of this post. So glad. For all of it, but especially for Danielle.

[valerie]

Christy,
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. valerie

[Tabatha]

I would give you a grant for this post, Christy!

[Christy]

You all make me cry with your words of support and understanding. Thank you!

To add to the irony, my brother called me this morning to say that during unpacking from his recent move from Seattle to Vermont they found our old digital camera that we lost LAST summer after our trip East. So the same week we thought we lost all our pictures we will now get to see some that we wrote off a year ago. (Like Sarah, thanks for sharing your story!)

And we do have a backup for our computer but it got stalled downloading our info for over 48 hours so we thought it had failed us too. I promise to print out some pictures and save some on an internet site very soon. (I was relieved to have this blog with pictures when I thought they were all gone.)

And as to Danielle, I wish I could say she would continue to be our neighbor but she is an Americorp volunteer who flies back to Indiana this month so I'm not even sure if I'll get to see her again to tell her how much her note meant to me. Hope so...

[Kate J]

Our computer crashed last year, and I thought we had lost it all too. Fortunately there are the wizards who knew how to recover most of it.
Just wanted to add that we have always had to print out lots of photos for our 8 y/o to use in her therapies, especially for categorizing and communication. She is especially motivated by these pictures of her real life. After trying all manner of albums, protective sleeves, etc. the one format that has been indestructible has been laminating with a somewhat thicker plastic they have at FedEx/Kinko's. Also have done collage posters (walgreens.com) and laminated those too. Not sure about you, but we need the indestructibility!

[bec]

What this world needs is more Danielles, and more Eliases, and for them to find one another at just the right time (I got an unexpected and quite welcome hug from a friend I hadn't met yet in my waiting room today. Trust those moments are precious to lots of folks).

On another note, would you consider a tip jar? I know that I really value the words I find here and feel like you more than deserve some compensation for your work.

[Karolyn]

Your posts NEVER FAIL to move me. Sometimes it's just a nudge, a millimeter in a different direction; a new thought or a new way of looking at things. Other times it's like a tectonic shift as the plates of my existence grind into a new alignment and I feel wholly different.

I am always reminded by your posts that I am not alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I would gladly contribute to your "tip jar" in order to facilitate your writing.

And if your MacBook goes haywire again, give a shout out. Have direct connection to Apple geniuses. Really.

[StorkWatcher]

I'm reading your blog in Indiana - Loved hearing Danielle is from our state, but wish she would be able to get to know you all better.

I thought she sounded like having a visit from an angel that day, and I bet she thought she'd had a visit from an angel named Elias at the same time.

An angel with an overly friendly dog. Neither one may have used the "appropriate" boundaries for meeting a stranger that day, but what an inspiration that they both followed their hearts to reach out and greet someone.

[danielle in zurich]

Hi Christy,
Blogs create the weirdest relationships. I know so much about you and you know so little about me! But I thought I would write to tell you--cause it might comfort me to get it down and might somehow interest you --that I just had the crappiest evening alone with my three n/t kids. (My husband is away on a business trip for a week.) My four year old has been acting like a freak for a week or two now: biting, yelling and throwing things (and I live in an apartment with disapproving neighbors in Zurich!) and all the rest. I finally got him to sleep and then my six year old did something relatively minor but it was the straw that broke the camel's back and I totally lost it. My losing it was ugly and involved a lot of tears, head slams against a pillow and what not. it reminded me of your SANE post in which you retreated to yor room to cry. That's what I SHOULD have done. And now (like you all too often are and for less reason) I am mired in mommy guilt. I demonstrated how not to react !
So why am I telling you this? I sometimes think you get our comments and we all seem (or I seem or worse, try to seem) so sane, cool, calm, supportive, Well, this is to let you know that with "LESS" TO DEAL WITH I STILL CAN'T ALWAYS HOLD IT TOGETHER. (ANOTHER source OF GUILT--WITH "LESS" TO DEAL WITH, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO do "better") I GUESS I AM AFFIRMING OUR COMMON humanity. (Excuse the unintended caps.) ANyway, right now I am having the strangest feeling that I want to put my head down on your kitchen table and have a good cry. Isn't that wack? But that's the internet for you.
D
PS: Maybe you shouldn't post this? It's a little strange and rambly...

[Christy]

Never knew you could have a tip jar on a blog so thanks Bec for suggesting it--I'll look into it more and I'm so honored by the thought of you and karolyn offering to contribute to help facilitate my writing. It blows me away really. I love the connection that blogging creates and will continue to find time to write (b/c I need to for my own sanity) regardless of money or time even if I could always use more of both. I mean, can't we all?

And thanks again to all of you for your words here! I like the laminate picture idea Kate J...hmmmm. Lots to chew on...

[Christy]

Danielle in Zurich, I read your comment after publishing my reply above and decided to publish it only because I know I can relate, so my guess is that other readers here can too.

Just last night at a friends' house for dinner I carried Elias by his arms up a whole flight of stairs because he went after his sister and I cant tell you how many times I've had to hold back from grabbing him too roughly or, dare i say it, pushing/hitting him to to"teach" him that its not ok to push or hit. Crazy I know. Thats how I feel at times and my guess is so do most parents but we show our best selves to the world whenever we can. And yes that is one thing I appreciate about the connections i make with readers and other bloggers is that through writing and stories we share our inner selves, the ugly as well as the gold. Oh, and boy do I ever get the guilt, it doesn't matter where your child is on the normal spectrum theres always a bounty of "shoulds" and "could haves" and "what ifs"...

There's a virtual chair for you at my table anytime Danielle:)