Oh how I miss having four adults for our two children. I miss Elias climbing into bed with my parents when he wakes up at 5:30 and I miss my Mom taking the early morning shift with Olive.
Olive has stopped sleeping through the night.
She screams Mama at 1:30 am and wakes again at 4:00.
And sleep deprivation is making me a bit crazy. That and the return of the school schedule.
The whole frantic week-day routine of Nick and I trying to convince Elias that he really does want to go to school, Nick making Elias's lunch as I nurse Olive in my bathrobe, hair un-brushed, chasing time around the house, changing diapers, getting ourselves and the kids dressed, while continually searching for my mug of coffee with cream and agave--racing out of the front door, a piece of toast in my hand minutes before my morning meeting, only to return home close to five to share with Nick the process of preparing dinner while repeatedly asking Elias to write his spelling words as Olive throws herself on the ground because we won't give her more raisins or our iphone or another moment on my breast which leads right into the I-don't-want-to-go-to-bed routine before we wake up and start again.
I'm tired.
But...
...I walk to work.
A block around the corner.
I walk home for lunch.
At the end of a day of responding to whomever (or whatever) walks through my door, I don't climb into the driver's seat of a car and yield to others.
I walk home.
Elias can even walk the 1/4 mile to and from school himself.
This morning, as he's done before, Elias ran away from Nick as he walked to school with Olive, he ran with his blue canes barely touching the sidewalk, back towards our house, away from the bells and desks and bodies.
"I don't want to go to school," he says every morning. "Do you not want to go to school Mommy?"
"Oh Babe, I do," I say, as I pray my second cup of coffee will wake my brain up enough to decide what to wear, not to mention what to do in a crisis.
"I don't want to go to school." Elias sits at the kitchen table rubbing his eyes with his fists.
"Oh I do!" I feign enthusiasm. "I want to see the other students and the teachers and I want to learn new things."
I want to climb back in bed, pull the blankets over my head and sleep till noon.
"Mom...Mom...Mama....Mama...Mommy...
I pause in my hustle, "Yeah Babe?"
"Do you want to stay home with Daddy and Olive?"
Oh please...
...especially Daddy.
I smile at Nick as he lifts Olive into her booster seat. "I do," I sigh. "But I also want to work. And you and I got jobs to do."
On one particularly rough morning, when Nana and Papa were still here so Elias really didn't want to go to school, especially since Olive got to spend all day with her Grandparents just like he did for the previous four days of our long weekend.
A morning when he hit and screamed and ran all the way home before Nick was able to channel his inner Yogi and convince Elias to walk back to school.
On this morning Elias continued to cry as he walked into the building and Ms. Julia and Mrs Jasper met him by the classroom door. "I want to go home," he sobbed unwilling to budge from the entryway, frozen in his coat and backpack.
"I know you do, but I want you here," his teacher said.
"I want to go home."
"But its your job to sharpen pencils this week."
And I'm not sure if he smiled or laughed but into the classroom he walked.
Sometime a job is all it takes.
If only we all had more time to rest. And play. And choose how we schedule our day.
(At the very least a full night's sleep.)
(Oh yeah, and four adults for every child.)
Both of my kids didn't sleep through the night until they were COMPLETELY weaned. With Eli, that was 17 months, and with Cora (who at a year was still getting up every 2 hrs wanting to nurse) I weaned her at 13 months for sanity's sake! The week I weaned her, she started sleeping through the night! I definitely am a much better mother when I get sleep! Just a thought! Prayers for some rest!
Posted by: Emily Judson | 09/13/2011 at 04:08 AM
Its funny how sometimes just writing about something makes it better. Its ten of seven am and Olive went to sleep at 8:00 and it STILL sleeping. A new furnace was installed yesterday so our house is a lot warmer than usual this morning and I'm thinking maybe she's been cold...She was sleeping through the night most of the summer and then something shifted in the past month, right along with the weather. But yes, Emily, I think weaning might help too, which will happen this fall--though I'm not looking forward to the process as I have a feeling she will be much harder than Elias was.
Posted by: Christy | 09/13/2011 at 06:53 AM
Oof, I know those feelings all too well. And, for what it's worth, it may have been the cold keeping Olive from sleeping through the transitions between sleep cycles. My Nik would do that every time the weather changed and it cold colder in his room. Frustrating until we figured it out!
This post today was a gift I needed...the reminder that, yes, sometimes all it does take is a job. A purpose. I feel like I have lost sight of mine some days when the autism currents are running exhaustingly high in our house, or Nik won't eat, or...or...or...
Those are the moments I can focus on my purpose, my job and let that carry me through my own "I don't wanna..." times. Thanks!
Posted by: Niksmom | 09/13/2011 at 10:49 AM
You are so not alone on this... Over the past week, my kids have tag teamed me with one or the other up in the wee hours almost every night. Ugh. Today, week 4 of the new preschool, I heard "I don't want to go to school," accompanied by a whine. Distracted him by focusing on what awesome trucks we may see on the short drive to school. I may have to make "truck spotting" his official job on the way to school.
Posted by: Karolyn | 09/13/2011 at 02:56 PM
As I am still struggling with the transition back to school from summer, I can just say that I literally feel your pain. I am EXHAUSTED, mentally and physically...and I don't even have such a little one as Olive anymore...so I can only imagine how you must feel. Thinking of you...xoxo
Posted by: la | 09/14/2011 at 11:25 AM
I don't know how you do it Christy. If I had to convince my child every day to go to school I think I would go mad! Peer pressure may help in that regard because my girls love school so Angus is more inclined to think that maybe today will be the day he discovers their "secret" to loving the clustered desks and chicken cutlets at lunchtime. Will Olive stay home next year or go to a daycare? Even if it is just a house around the corner, Elias may like that the whole family has to go somewhere. Stay strong friend!
Posted by: fleming | 09/14/2011 at 01:04 PM
Christy,
I wasn't going to comment because I homeschool and also couldn't imagine having to persuade my child to go to school everyday. But I respect your decision to do what you think is best for Elias.
However, with all due respect to a previous commenter, sleeping through the night really isn't a result of weaning. For every person who swears that weaning was the magic trick for getting their child to sleep better at night there is a woman out there who will tell you how weaning her toddler did NOT improve their sleep habits or anything else. I personally had a completely breastfed baby who slept through the night at just a few months of age. I also had a preschooler who didn't sleep more than 4 hours in a row for a couple of years after he was weaned and at least a year after his younger brother who was still nursing started sleeping through the night. Allergies can be a factor as well as many other things but please don't wean her just because you think she would sleep better. I know I am a supporter of extended breastfeeding, but Olive is still plenty young:) You can chose to alter your bedtime routines etc. if you want her to be able to go sleep without nursing to sleep without having to wean her completely.
One last bit to this really long comment: weaning is meant to be gradual and not difficult or painful in any way for the mother or child. If she fights it really hard then again, please take the time for her sake and yours to consider if perhaps she isn't ready for that quite yet.
I couldn't find any way to write to you privately, so I am going out on a limb and putting all this in a comment.
Posted by: se | 09/14/2011 at 03:44 PM
Niksmom, I'm glad my post found you on a day you needed a reminder about the importance of a "job" whatever that may be. Its funny b/c as crazy as I feel on the weekdays, I also feel this way on weekends if I have both kids to myself and I need to remind myself that just being with them is important work, the most important, even if at times it feels like I'm only answering pointless questions and changing poops.
Karolyn, I hope he truck spotting job works and the whine dissipates. And that a full night's sleep is on order for tonight.
La, the change from summers off to school is never easy and somehow I doubt it gets any easier with older kids. You may not have a little one but you have more homework to help with at night. Is it bad that I'm already dreaming of next summer?
Flem, glad to hear Angus follows his sisters with the hope that today will be the day he discovers the secret joys of school. I do think when Olive is in daycare or preschool it will help. There's the chance that could happen this winter if not next year as Nick is starting to consider job opportunities and she is also seeming more and more ready for more structured social/learning experiences with other kids. The downside of us all going somewhere is that Nick gets a lot of domestic/home repair things done during the week that will then all be put off for evenings or weekends. But there are always trade-offs with every decision...
se, thanks for "going out on a limb" and sharing your thoughts here. I've been thinking about weaning, not as an answer to her sleep issues but b/c it seems to be happening somewhat naturally anyways. That said, it is still part of our routine, and I don't feel like either of us is ready to give it up yet. I'm glad you wrote about reconsidering if she really fights it b/c in my head I was thinking I'd pick a weekend to have the kids stay with their grandparents and go "cold turkey" and yet the thought of Olive crying "see, see," (which is what she says when she wants to nurse meaning, "sit sit with me") and just refusing her b/c this is the date I chose feels hard because she wont understand. So I feel like you just gave me permission to reconsider when we stop if it feels too dramatic or painful. Thank you.
Posted by: Christy | 09/14/2011 at 09:22 PM
Convincing Elias to go to school apart, I am a little jealous of your schedule because I am mostly alone for the mornings and evenings:-) That is with four kids. Two nights ago I did not nurse my two year old in the middle of the night because she does not go back to sleep when I do. Last night she still woke up but went back to sleep, without nursing or crying. Progress! I am personally ready to wean her but she is very smart and knows to ask at dawn...
Posted by: Ellie | 09/17/2011 at 09:29 AM
Ellie, I don't envy you waking and settling four sets of arms and legs and hearts and needs and questions, mostly alone. Here's to progress! Thanks for sharing:)
Posted by: Christy | 09/17/2011 at 09:15 PM