But Not Their Souls

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

- Kahlil Gibran

 

Elias hit me hard in the face this morning, on purpose, and when I grabbed his wrist to stop him from hitting me again I squeezed his little arm harder than I needed to because in that second I wanted to hurt him too.

Luckily, I noticed my anger and lightened my grip. Carried him to his room. Closed his door. Walked through the house to my room. Closed my door.

And sobbed.

It all started with him wanting the little wooden chairs that his sister pushed into the living room. Not one of them but both of them. And expressing his desire by pushing Olive off one and ramming his head into me when I came over to intervene.

The good news is I got to play both soccer and ice hockey today, so I had ample opportunities to release my own frustration and forget about being a parent for awhile. Until the second period of my hockey game  when I skated hard into the corner to beat a defenseman to the puck and she said, "You can have it you fucker!"

After passing the puck behind the net I  turned to look at her and said something like, "What?!"  or "Really?!" with a cock of my head and a wry smile.

She just glared at me and said, "No one's getting paid to play here this isn't the NHL."

And I wanted to say to her, "Exactly, so why the hell are you taking it so seriously. Lighten up and have fun. This is what I do to relieve stress not give it. Do you know what I'm dealing with at home right now? Do you know why I skate so damn hard? Its not about winning or losing its about forgetting, just for three periods, that I can't control anything at home; but maybe, just maybe, I can get this damn puck in the net or, at the very least, lose myself in the game for awhile. So give me a fuckin' break!"

I didn't say any of that. I just shook my head and skated away.

But I found myself backing off during the third period, taking her words personally, thinking too much, carrying Elias and Olive around with me. I wanted to talk to the woman after the game, tell her about my life, say that its not about beating her, but about getting out of my mind by pushing my body farther, faster, than it wants to go.

I thought about tapping her on her shoulder after the handshakes but then I realized that her words, her anger, isn't really about me. Who knows what her life is like, and what brings her to a hockey rink late on a Sunday night. What demons does she she chase as she skates for the puck?

And so I let it go.

I don't know what's causing Elias to lash out. I got a lot of theories and no solutions but I do know I need to stop taking it personally.

Its not about me.

Tonight, before bed, Elias drew a picture on his wipe-board of himself and Olive in my belly. "And here's a path to get out instead of getting cut out," he said, as he drew two lines away from the circle that enclosed the stick figures of Elias and his baby sister. 

On the other side of the circle he drew another set of lines. "And here's another path to get in."

"Oh good thinking," I said.

"We're in your belly!" Elias waved his arms, excited by his drawing.

"Yes, you were.  And now you're out."

"We have two paths," Elias said, "Two paths!"

Comments

[Niksmom]

Always more than one path. But so damnably hard sometimes to know which is the right one, eh? I, too, find myself in those moments you described with Elias and they shame me. Always, always, they come in those moments when I am taking his behavior personally and thinking he can control it. So hard.

Sending you warm thoughts and wishes for thicker skins for both of us.

[Christy]

Shame is what caused my sobs in the bedroom. Knowing that I felt angry enough to almost hurt Elias scared the heck out of me. I talked to a father at soccer about it and it helped when he said that all parents have moments like that, when we feel angry enough to swipe back, but its the fact that we don't that makes us "good" parents. Its hard to feel like a good parent on days like these though. Hoping for some better days ahead...

[Deb Jacobson]

Christy--

I absolutely love your writing! You are so REAL! I have read your entire Blog and have enjoyed every post--I am a mother of 2 college kids, the wife of a middle school principal, and an elementary speech therapist . I often think about the mother's of the numerous children I work with each day--I have many challenging kids- and usually can "get through" a 7 hour day--I think about the challenges of actually living with these kids and don't know if I could do it--you are amazing and Elias is so very lucky to have you as a mom!

[Kate]

Have definitely had parenting moments like this and the intensity of it is terrifying. but then you go and take a timeout for yourself to regroup and go back stronger for it.
my favorite part of this is where elias is talking about a path to get back in. i just think the image of him and olive in there together is beyond sweet.
ps you're not a good parent. you're a great one. seriously :) we all have days and even weeks like this. and then it will get better again and the light will come back and you'll all be dancing in the kitchen.

[danielle in zurich]

I also have moments when I want to lash out, believe me. I think most of us do--and if there are some that don't I tell myself it has to do with the intensity level at which they choose or are wired to live life.I live at a pretty high level of intensity and my loving moments are also super intense. I think the kids sense that we love them and that we are human--which is not a bad thing to know. I wish you easier days...peaceful hours....good belly laughs....the love of Nick and a glass of wine after the kids' bedtime...hang in there.

[Christy]

Deb, Kate, and Danielle, thank you for writing, for helping to normalize the intensity of these feelings, reassuring me that its not just ok to write about it but healthy to be honest with my words, and reminding me that I'm still a good parent just suffering a rough stretch.

And yes, there will be more dancing in the kitchen ahead!

[Christy]

A training I attended today ended with each participant picking a quote card. The facilitator said she believes quotes find the people. This is the one I picked:

"Care of the soul...isn't about doing, fixing, changing, adjusting, or making healthy, and it isn't about some idea of perfection or even improvement. It doesn't look to the future for an ideal trouble-free existence. Rather, it remains patiently in the present, close to life as it presents itself day by day, and yet at the same time mindful of religion and spirituality." -Thomas Moore

Needed that.

[nerissa]

wow....what a beautiful post. so touching. thank you.

[Janice]

I have read this post 3 times soaking in the raw honesty, emotions & wisdom. While I am not a parent, I am caring for my elderly father. I moved from Alaska, after 30 years, to return to the hills of southeastern KY, a place I left at age 17. Others tell me it's much like parenting and he seems to have childlike traits. I, too, can so identify with the anger, wanting to lash out, going to my room sobbing. Realizing it's not about me helps me let it go...sometimes more quickly than others. I find so many parallels in your writings. Thank you for helping me.

[Christy]

Oh Janice, thank you for writing, I can see where there would be a lot of cross-over in our situations and I'm glad my words reach you, all the way from AK to KY. May we each remember we aren't in control, its not about us, to take deep breaths and let go.

Thank you Nerissa!