Every once and a while as a parent we wonder if we are going to make it. Will we survive this particular stage, situation, scenario, set-back, somersault, what other S-word can I think of...shit.
Sorry, but its been a rough evening.
Elias rammed me with his head and then kicked me multiple times when I tried to talk to him about personal space and being safe with our bodies. An hour later he head-butted Nick and then tried to hit my husband when he sat him down on our kitchen bench.
During dinner, Olive pushed her noodles, pork, and broccoli around on her plate then screamed, "duck" for stuck as she tried to wiggle out of her booster seat. Later she threw herself down on the floor and sobbed, as she does now when she doesn't get what she wants and she WANTS everything.
All I want is a pause/mute button.
To suspend my kids in mid-freak-out and clink wine glasses with Nick. A toast to peace and harmony. Strong holiday buzz words that ran off with the ghosts of halloween, at least from our house.
Come back, my friends, we need you!
With Olive's behavior I can point to the typical: "The Terrible Twos." With my seven-year-old son its a whole different story. Yet to be written. A mystery of sorts.
"I don't know why I did that," Elias told Ms. Julia when she reprimanded him during P.E. for sticking his cane between the legs of a girl who sat on the floor.
"He's been pushing into other kids and not being safe with his body," Elias's teacher told Nick this morning when he dropped Elias off at school.
What does he need? What is he trying to communicate? How can we help him express himself in a safe way?
I find myself with my head in my hands at night, heavy with questions, choosing to lose myself in reality TV where everyone has a microphone that amplifies their voice just right.
Where is Elias's microphone? Where is his voice?
I don't know why I did that.
I don't know either and I worry about the kid with canes becoming even more of an outcast because of his behavior. He's not only the legally blind boy with CP who wears diapers in second grade but he's mean to boot. Watch out, he'll hit you with those canes.
This is where my brain goes.
And Olive pulls on my pants and says, "Mama sit," and flashes me that smile and speaks to me with her eyes and I'm back to being smitten. In love with my daughter.
And Elias. "Why did Dad put me to bed so early? Why didn't I get any ipad time?" He looks at his lamby pillow with tears in his eyes and I kiss his bruised forehead and ask, "Why do you think Bud? You tell me."
I stroke his hair as he rubs his eyes, "Because I had a bad day." And I want to eat him I love him so, but instead we talk about tomorrow being filled with new opportunities to be safe and kind and loving...
...for all of us.
Sending you a big hug! Sounds very frustrating for all of you. Reminds me of a teenager who is having a hormone rush and doesn't know how to cope with it -- he has feelings that he doesn't know what to do with and is having trouble processing them in a positive way. I wonder if there's anyone who could help Elias figure out how to communicate differently...I don't know who or how. Art therapy? Music therapy? Just brainstorming.
Posted by: Tabatha | 11/16/2011 at 05:35 AM
My 10yo Randy (PDD-NOS, BiPolar...)has had similar issues for years. It can get to a very frustrating level! Deep breaths are my thing! LOL! Some things that have really helped him. Dh, Randy, and I work with a Psychologist on a weekly basis. She has toys that he plays with, she observes him and discusses his feelings and coping skills (on his level). Then she discusses his sessions with dh & me over the phone later on. It helps us relate to him and slowly he is less agressive. Though the therapies mentioned above: Art, Music & Horse riding can also help.
Posted by: Lee | 11/16/2011 at 10:02 AM
Thanks for the understanding and ideas Lee and Tabatha. I do feel like we could be missing out on a helpful therapy/person/activity/parenting approach that will help Elias to process his feelings and thoughts. Just not sure what the answer is yet...I wish we had winter horseback riding b/c horses seem to help calm Elias's mind and body but there isn't an indoor program up here yet. I don't know. Nick and I will keep talking about it and researching and my hope is that these behaviors aren't here to stay. But yes deep breaths help. Time-outs for us parents as well. Oh, and that extra glass of wine or beer after the kids finally go down, that too:)
Posted by: Christy | 11/16/2011 at 10:27 AM
No great insights here but vicarious support. In the same vein as above, I think you had said he liked some swimming party. Could you get him in water more regularly? Seems to help our kids and boy does it tire them out! If nothing else it seems to connect them with their bodies and take the edge off the frustration. Anyway, right there with you with the current coping skills: timeouts or away for each or both of us, connecting with partner, and yup wine/beer. Maybe funny DVD like 30 Rock. Vigorous exercise when you're up for it. Yoga/stretching thing when you're not.
Posted by: Kate | 11/16/2011 at 11:42 AM
ahhh, the parenthood seesaw - love one minute and total frustration the next. I wouldn't jump to thinking that Elias will be more hurtful to others as he gets older. I have found that as they "mature" and learn to read the body language of their peers, that kids get less aggressive as a whole. The action/reaction thing starts to register more readily as they accumulate experiences in life and perhaps the physical stuff fades some. I am just guessing of course. Angus is easier to be with when he isn't rushed, when he is well exercised and when he knows the plan/schedule. Despite all that, he can still have bad days. He yelled at me in carline today because he said it took me too long and I could've pulled up to a closer spot. ho-hum. BTW, loved the pics of Olive in Elias's shoes and hat. Her love for him is so perfect and non-judgemental. remember, one day at a time.
Posted by: fleming | 11/16/2011 at 12:26 PM
Kate,I wish we had a hot tub b/c he seems to love them even if he is a bit wary of pools-- despite saying swimming was his favorite thing to do on the weekend-- but we need to try swimming again with him, as we have access to a pool at our old university down the road. And yes, vigorous activity often saves me mentally; I have a hockey game tonight and I can't wait to skate as fast as I can after that silly little puck. Laughter helps too!
Flem, I hope you are right about Elias outgrowing these behaviors. I think I still struggle with the fact that he was my easy going kid for so long, the boy who never had tantrums or public melt-downs. But then again everything is delayed with Elias so maybe this is his own version of the terrible twos. What you wrote about Angus is true for Elias too, he's better when he knows what to expect and has time to process. As to Olive loving her brother the other night he got up from the couch and walked across the living room all sway-backed and off-balance and Olive tried to make her posture just like his-- it brought tears to my eyes it was so darn cute. On the flip side, when Nick brought Elias to his room after the incident on the bench Olive climbed up to the bench and made a pouty face as she swiped her hand in the air, like her big brother. Oy. Yes, one day at a time.
As always, I felt a little better after writing this post, venting is cathartic indeed.
Posted by: Christy | 11/16/2011 at 04:24 PM
It's like we are all sitting down together with a nice cold beer and hours ahead to just share.....dare to dream right?
Posted by: fleming | 11/16/2011 at 05:47 PM
Your post reminded me of when I showed my 5 year old daughter the mute button on the tv remote a few months ago and she instantly turned it toward me and tried to mute me! Guess we all want a mute button at one time or another :-)
Posted by: Alison Chi | 11/16/2011 at 06:19 PM
Love the dream Fleming, like back in HS only legal and with more interesting things to discuss.
Alison, I'm sure Elias would like a mute button at times with me too, especially when I'm asking him to follow directions or do his homework or go to bed....thanks for sharing:)
Posted by: Christy | 11/16/2011 at 10:45 PM
Hug.
Yeah, just a big hug.
Posted by: danielle in zurich | 11/17/2011 at 12:35 AM
Yes, it's the ebb and flow of pushing you right to the brink, then saving themselves just in time with a gesture or a sweet face. Sending positive vibes your way and cheers, too!
Posted by: Shelley | 11/17/2011 at 03:53 PM
Hugs and positive vibes and cheers always help, thanks Danielle and Shelley.
Posted by: Christy | 11/21/2011 at 09:27 AM
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I have a little girl with another on the way and I can relate to just needing a little peace. I am also a special education teacher and it can be hard sometimes to see past the behaviors to the little person inside. Thanks for reminding me :-)
Posted by: CCFowlkes | 11/25/2011 at 07:40 AM
CCFowlkes, thank you for writing and letting me know you relate. May you find slivers of peace when you need them most.
Posted by: Christy | 11/29/2011 at 10:57 AM
Oh goodness sending so much strength your way. It has been a while since I checked in on you guys and I am glad I did. Everyone is different, let’s get that out of the way first, but Ben had a really hard time last year. Age 7, second grade. I talked to everyone about it, his general doc, physiatrist, all the therapists, social worker...He became extremely physical (we used the same language about being safe with his body), started running people down with his walker, and my favorite came up with all kinds of irritating noises to make as "silly". He would explain that he didn't know why he ran into people or he didn't know why he whatever. He has CP and some developmental issues. When we really started to watch him in class we noticed that he was kind of like 7 year old on steroids. They are all rough, annoying, gross, and cross physical boundaries but it was just that Ben didn't know how to do it, or how to stop. We ended up getting a referral to a peds psychologist for him to talk to about anger and frustration but as suddenly as the behavior started, it stopped. It was like his experience of the terrible twos that he never got because he didn’t move when he was two. Like I said, all kids are different, but it may just be a phase. Hang in there .
Posted by: [email protected] | 11/30/2011 at 04:04 PM