Ever So Slowly

I've been working on an essay for publication, using my experience with our old neighborhood goats as a backdrop for my struggle to accept Elias's multiple diagnoses.

I just cut the following chunk out of the essay because it "explains" what the story "shows":

Since the day Elias arrived, via an emergency c-section in the middle of the night, I‘ve lost control.  Shredded my birth plan. Found myself lost among hospital corridors instead of safely at home. We dream up our children, long before they are born, but their entrance into this world is all their own. 

Our babies break us open and recreate us with each breath. 

Elias is not the boy I expected, he will never fit into my preconceived mold, but he is teaching me, slowly, ever so slowly,  to let go-- to see that control is an illusion after all, a mirage we chase as if the mere act of running will keep us safe.

But when I stop running and stand behind my son, follow him through this unfamiliar brush instead of trying to lead him to the overcrowded freeway, I actually feel as though we might be all right.

There’s a deep beauty, a hidden intelligence, within the brambles we walk. I don’t know where he’ll take me, and its the not knowing, I’m slowly learning to accept.

I chose not to delete this segment but to post it here because I havent been true to these words this week, and I need to remember.  I've been swamped with worry, thinking about all that Elias needs, weighed down by the challenges that go along with raising my son.  

It seems I'm destined to repeat myself on this blog, to have days when I'm blinded by deficit and days when I'm in awe of the light.

To learn this lesson of letting go over and over again...

Comments

[Mel]

Christy, This statement "But when I stop running and stand behind my son, follow him through this unfamiliar brush instead of trying to lead him to the overcrowded freeway, I actually feel as though we might be all right." is one of the most beautiful I've ever read in learning to navigate a path that we never imagined. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Margaret]

Hang in there, Christy. You're only human and we all have bad times. I recently read something about not expecting yourself to be a perfect parent. Just to be good enough. It has helped me through my bad times. Thanks for sharing.

[Kate]

Great reminder Christy about how we all must struggle to be more "Tao" in our parenting. Reminded me of this book I used to have on just that. Now must go search for it or order it again!

[Greta]

Some of the most beautiful writing ever about raising a child.

[Christy]

Thank you so much for your kind words. As always, I am so touched by my readers' support. Love to all!