In a bit of a funk.
And its Spring Break. So I should feel all light and free-- but I suppose that's the old college me speaking, the girl who was only responsible for herself.
There really is no light and free in parenthood. Not as the mother of an eight-year-old with multiple disabilities and a two-year-old tyrant.
That's my new phrase for Olive. My tyrant. evilO.
"Mama, peas. Peas!"
"Alright,"
"Peas, Mama. Peas." She pulls on my pants and reaches her arm up towards the freezer door.
"Wait a moment Olive. Can you say, please Mama?"
"Peas mama."
I open the freezer and sort through the disorganized bags and boxes to find the Costco sack of organic peas. Olive likes them straight from the freezer.
"Yummy peas!" Olive smiles and claps and prances before me.
I open the bag and grab a handful.
"No, Me!!!" Olive wants to reach into the bag herself. She climbs up on our red stool and pushes her sticky hand into the bag. "Mmm, peas!"
As she starts to slide down she says, "Help, Mama, help!" I take her cup of peas with one hand and guide her back with the other. With her feet scure on our kitchen floor, I hand her the plastic cup of frozen peas.
"No peas!" She swats at the cup and throws her head back in disgust. "No peas!!!" She stomps her feet and waves her hands from side to side.
I give up, I want to say.
I lay myself down before your majesty. Chop off my head. Throw me to the aligaters in the moat.
But I'm the Mom. The oh-so-responsible-one. In charge of limit -setting and safe boundaries. I can't just fold. I can't give up. I can't run away.
But I do find myself dreaming of my college days. Or envious of my friends and neighbors who chose not to have children.
Just for a moment, I let myself imagine.
Aah, spring break. Sleep past ten, Drink coffee in my robe while catching up on-line. Change into ski gear. Head out on the trails. Meet friends at a pub for a late lunch and an afternoon beer. Head home for a nap with Nick. Shower and spruce up for an evening concert, put on my dancing shoes. Boogie with my babe until dawn.
Or hell, just go to bed early and sleep till I'm done. Read a book. Write an essay. Call my East Coast friends and finish a conversation without hanging up the phone to respond to my pants-pulling, mama-needing, screaming kids.
Aah, spring break.
Does anyone else ever think like this? Ever wonder what their life would be like without children? Just for a moment?
(If I'm really honest, I don't let myself think about it for too long. Because the daydream feels too good.)
(But yes, I love my children.)
OF COURSE!!!
Of course Ithink this. Just like those without kids probably wonder what it would be like to be needed by a child...to hug a son or daughter. It is human to envision and even sometimes long for the other option.
I sometimes walk past cafes or bars in Zurich where I see young women bent towward each other--that intimate, female posture--talking with this intensity and I remember what fun that was. And then I remember that half the time we were talking about men...marriage...caeeers and children...everything we are NOW juggling. Pretty funny.
Posted by: danielle in zurich | 03/12/2012 at 01:23 AM
i dream those day dreams too....i think all moms do. wouldn't trade being a mom for anything but I do miss the lightness and ease of my old life.
Posted by: nerissa | 03/12/2012 at 04:47 AM
Yes. Just yes.
Posted by: Ginny | 03/12/2012 at 05:44 AM
Yep! And I feel guilty when I think about it too much. Lol. I do get the occasional break when she goes to her dad's place, but by about halfway through the visit I am so ready to have her back home.
Posted by: RebeccaL | 03/12/2012 at 08:03 AM
Your 2 little munchkins can come hang out here for a while if you'd like a break!
Posted by: Stacey | 03/12/2012 at 09:17 AM
Are you kidding?? Everybody does. And you dare feel guilty about it. Just keep saying no. it's the best word a two year old can hear.
Posted by: Brooke | 03/12/2012 at 10:45 AM
whoops, that should say "DON'T you dare feel guilty about it" big typo there.
Posted by: Brooke | 03/12/2012 at 10:46 AM
I literally just said to myself today, "I am tired of always being 'responsible'...I need to have some kid-free, crazy fun" I love my child too, but every a weekend of "Spring Break" would do me some good right now!
Posted by: Sarah M | 03/12/2012 at 12:09 PM
*that would be EVEN a weekend....
Posted by: Sarah M | 03/12/2012 at 12:10 PM
Yes. People tell you "your life will change forever!" when you have kids, but it's impossible to truly understand until there are actually kids in the picture.
You have extra challenging circumstances, though, and perhaps it will get better when Olive is older? Probably. I am tired enough with a 4 yr old and 18 month old; you are superwoman!
Posted by: Gina | 03/12/2012 at 12:20 PM
Yes, I do and I don't trust anyone who says they don't! Would I truly trade it? Of course not..but yes I miss my more carefree days. It's nice when women can admit it and not be persecuted for it. We're all in this together!
Posted by: Shelley | 03/12/2012 at 03:05 PM
Yes!!! I just spent a night away from my son with my husband for the first time in 3 years. I love him and missed him and it was heaven. Daydream away, and I wish there was a way I could help you sneak away, even for a little while.
Posted by: bec | 03/12/2012 at 03:24 PM
I don't wonder what it would be like if I didn't have kids, that life was too long ago. For me, the day dream is what would life be like now if we had just had the first 2 kids as we had originally planned. they are close in age and are both adults with their own lives. We would be done parenting instead of having a 23 yo in college in another province, a 20 yo working but still living at home and a developmentally disabled teenaged daughter who will probably never live on her own.
Posted by: s.e. | 03/12/2012 at 03:55 PM
Ha ha ha Olive sounds just like my own 2 1/2 years old twins. The only time I enjoy hearing the nonsense is when others deal with them. Then I truly take pleasure in their suffering. They are getting sweeter though. At this point I can't imagine being without them though, but I'm probably not normal:-)
You're probably safe from the alligators where you are!
Posted by: Elliesee | 03/12/2012 at 04:42 PM
Been there, done that! But its all good. I also daydream about being a millionaire, a famous actress and having a bikini-ready body (not all at the same time). It's just a quick escape from life, kind of like soap operas and 'reality' TV.
Posted by: Lee | 03/12/2012 at 06:22 PM
How fitting you wrote this last night! Yesterday was a trying afternoon for Steve and Nena. He was trying to take a nap and she woke him up four times each with a stomp into his "lap." She wanted attention by throwing things and doing things she knows she should not. She was in wind up mode. There are days I wonder what I used to do all the time before chasing after a kid that has enough energy to take her until midnight most nights...even without a nap! I get tired of entertaining. We love her more than she knows but I often think of her as an evil little energizer bunny. I can't wait until she is grown and we get to tell her what she was like. Will she have any pity for us??
Posted by: Dayna | 03/12/2012 at 06:36 PM
Aaahh, again you all prove to me why I need to keep writing here, even when I'm tired and cranky, b/c every time I vent to you I always feel less burdened by your responses. Thanks!
The crazy thing is I had a mini break on Thursday night. I had a class till almost eight and there was no school Friday (in-service for me) so Nick took the kids out to Palmer. I came home and ate leftovers, picked up a bit around the house and then decided to go for a night ski under the full moon. I came home close to 11:00 and hopped in the car to drive to the edge of the city for a better view of the Northern Lights. I stood alone in the woods, with carloads of folks in the parking lot behind me and watched the Aurora dance. Friday morning I turned off my alarm and decided to go a little late to my Counselor's meeting. Took the time to make a real breakfast, even mailed a package, something I'd been meaning to do for almost a month but could never find the time to go to the post office without my kids. And yes, this time felt wonderful and yes I was happy to see my family again on Friday afternoon but instead of feeling oh-so-refreshed I think this little taste of freedom made me hunger for more.
But it helps to know we all think like this at times. Lee you make a good point, i also daydream about being wealthy or in kick-ass shape or an established author etc...And Eliesse, I change the alligators to grizzly bears:) Cuz an Alaskan castle would definitely have grizzlies in the moat.
Stacey, I'll keep you posted--thank you as always for opening your home to my handful.
And I must say, it was me and the kids all day today b/c Nick had two handyman jobs to do. (The anticipation of which fueled my post last night) And its almost as if they read my thoughts and made the day an easy one, filled with laughter, dancing, and sliding in the snow. Not one single melt-down or time-out needed.
Alright, I'll claim them as my own:)
Posted by: Christy | 03/12/2012 at 09:01 PM
Christy,
Somehow I knew at a young age that I would be better off being a professional than a parent. When I see you with your kids, I think I know that even better.
Susan told me she could see you and Elias playing on the snow piles from the living room, looking like you were having lots of fun.
I just keep thinking how darned lucky/fortunate those kids are to have the two of you.
I will mail packages anytime - or any other errands. Really.
Posted by: Maureen McGlone | 03/13/2012 at 12:00 PM
Thanks Maureen. I may take you up on the whole post office gig next time I have a package. Its funny but I knew I wanted to have kids at a young age and never expected I'd wait till my 30's to start a family. I also never knew how exhausting parenthood would be. And yes, I wouldn't change a thing but I can't help daydreaming every once in a while. So glad you are my neighbor:)
Posted by: Christy | 03/13/2012 at 09:00 PM
yes yes yes yes yes
Posted by: Greta | 03/14/2012 at 08:41 PM
Christy...yes! I think about life without children. My sons are 6 and 8. My 6 year old has autism and I often feel as though he is my own little tyrant. I am also a full time graduate student surrounded by many young girls who are so care free and have all the time in the world for studying and doing their assignments. I think about how much easier this whole experience would have been had I not had children first. I also sometimes just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted by the day in and day out work involved in raising children and working. So yes, I think that every mom at one time or another, fantasizes about what it would be liked to only have to worry about themselves. To be the master of your day and do what you want rather than what you have to do. Hang in there you are not alone!
Posted by: Sarah Stevens | 03/16/2012 at 06:36 AM
So very timely for us as we just came back from spring break too. Oh for a carefree day just the two of us, sleeping in, working out, enjoying a meal, finishing a thought. Can very much relate to these feelings. Counting the days until we are taking a long weekend to ourselves in May. Hope you and Nick can do the same soon. Until then...the days are long but the years are short or so they tell me :)
Posted by: Kate | 03/16/2012 at 07:46 PM