Elias stumbled into our room at 3:45 this morning. He walked around to my side of the bed and climbed in next to me.
"You alright?" I asked.
No answer.
He just wiggled and kicked until he found a comfortable spot curled within my frame. He soon fell back asleep; and as I started to follow, I heard him cry, just for a moment, before returning to the centered breath of predawn.
Oh if only I could be inside his dream.
In the morning, I asked him, "Did you have any dreams last night, Elias?"
"No," he said, as he always does when I ask. Always. No.
""Are you sure? You seemed kind of nervous when you stormed into our room in the middle of the night. Do you remember why you came running in?"
"What are we gonna have for breakfast?" Elias responded, as he walked towards the fridge.
And maybe it was my lack of coffee, but I found myself needing to turn away from my son. Because I wanted to shake him awake. Make him communicate in the way that I want. That I need. And I needed to turn away because its not about me anymore.
Not about what I want. Or what I need.
This is Elias. This is my son.
And I may never know what Elias dreams.
I know I can't be inside anyone's head when they sleep, I can't even keep track of my own midnight wanderings, but the mystery surrounding my son's mind feels so much deeper.
And it still cuts me when I'm feeling especially raw. Like early on a weekday morning after a poor night's sleep.
Oh, Christy, you've expressed my very feelings so well! It's easier on some days. Others, it's so damned hard to remember that it's not about me and I can't know. Those are the ones that hurt the most, that catch me off-guard.
Sending hugs and nodding in understanding and solidarity.
Posted by: Niksmom | 03/08/2012 at 05:20 AM
This is so true! Sometimes I can sit with my son and I see him looking around the room with his big brown eyes. I wonder what he might he might be thinking, but not saying. It is tough because the deepest conversations we have revolve around his favorite movies. My heart goes out to you during these challenging times!
Posted by: Lee | 03/08/2012 at 07:02 PM
You know, if it weren't for your blog, I may have gone insane with sorrow and guilt. You justify and vindicate the things I think and feel in my experience similar to yours. Thank you.
Posted by: Kimberly | 03/09/2012 at 03:26 PM
So glad to know I have company. And its something we can never prepare for, no matter how positive we are most of the time there will always be days when it just feels so damn hard.
Posted by: Christy | 03/11/2012 at 07:50 PM