Both Shall Fall Into A Ditch, Or Not

On Tuesday, Elias will attend a four-day sports camp for kids who are blind or visually-impaired. Its a sleep-over Camp at University of Alaska, Anchorage but Elias will attend the day sessions only. Ms. Julia, his Aide and Respite worker will go with him.

She picks him up in the morning and whisks him away.

My first baby is growing up.

And if you've read my past few posts you know it isn't always pretty. He's not so cute anymore. And then again he is.

When I first mentioned the camp to him he got real quiet and looked at the ground. He finally whispered. "I don't want to do that."

Being "legally blind" or "visually-impaired" isn't an identity that Elias claims. Not yet. Maybe never. Even if he does point at a picture of an elephant and call it a harmonica. Just as he will say, "Mom the sign says: Fred Meyer is open from 7:00 a.m. to 12:00 a.m.!" And it does.

At the zoo the other day, Elias asked, "Why can Olive see the wolf and I can't?" And before I could answer he said, "Maybe her eyes work better than mine."

I looked at Nick, eyes wide. Its rare that Elias acknowledges any of his challenges. When new kids ask him "Whats wrong?" Elias usually just acts as if he didn't hear the question.

So when we talked about the camp, I used his words. "You know how you can see but sometimes my eyes work better than yours. Well some of the kids won't be able to see at all. And some will be like you, able to read and navigate their way around, but just need some help sometimes."

And I can't remember what he asked but I know it was a question that had nothing to do with our conversation. Such as do we have a nice house? Or is anyone coming over for dinner? Can we go to the playground now?

So we dropped the conversation about vision and camp and moved on to elevators or street names or the plans for the day.

This morning, he wanted to go to Mountain View Park, a playground with a giant rocket ship that I've heard about for weeks ever since Ms. Julia brought him there for the first time. Usually I brush off his requests to go as I'd rather bike or walk to a park than drive to one in a neighborhood with a reputation for gun violence and drugs. (A reputation that no longer fully suits this up and coming community but first impressions can be hard to shake.) This morning I consented.

"Elias, I've never been to Mountain View Park. Do you know where it is?"

"Its on Mountain View Drive, near the other museum. The other one. That I want to go to sometime."

"OK, well I know how to get to Mountain View Drive so if you think you can lead me to the park than we'll go."

"Yay! Were going to Mountain View Park! Do you know there's a rocket ship there?"

"I think I heard that."

After chasing a naked Olive around the house who screamed every time I tried to put her dress on--No Noodie! Noodie!--I finally got both kids buckled in their cars seats, doled out Z-Bars for the drive and headed towards the park and the renowned, at least in our household, rocket ship.

At an intersection on Mt. View Drive, I asked Elias, "Do we go straight or turn?'

He didn't answer but his sister did.

"Alright, I guess we're going straight. Let me know when you see the park, Elias." As I waited for my son to "see" the park I thought about the expression when the blind lead the blind. What an apt description of my life.

We did eventually find Mt. View Park, (though we should have turned), and the rocket ship lived up to its reputation. Four stories of encaged ladders and platforms that evoked my adult-onset fear of heights and my age-old dislike of cramped spaces, as I tried to safely spot both kids on their ascents and descents. My imagination never helps in these situations: I always see my children falling. And just the image makes my stomach turn.

"How bout we check out the rest of the playground, " I offered.

"No! More rocket ship!" both kids cried. "More!"

And really, Elias didn't need my help with the ladder, as he safely climbed up and down, holding on firmly and reaching down with his foot, feeling for each new rung.

Again, he's growing. And with age comes capability. Even if its a few miles behind.

And besides Olive pulling down her pants to pee in the grass besides a family picnic, we made it through our hour of playground time without much drama. When it was time to head home, both children, amazingly, followed me to the car without protest. I didn't even have to bribe them with another snack.

At some point  I realized that Elias's idea of "camp" is still rooted in an under-construction building that we took him to two summers ago to explore the possibility of a Hope respite camp for kids with special needs. The sound of a chainsaw and a room filled with disorganized toys, Elias wanted to leave as soon as we arrived and he never did attend camp that summer. Or the next.

Tonight, I took Elias to registration for Camp Ability, where we met the personal coach assigned to him, a skinny blue-eyed blonde boy who is also visually impaired. ("Wow, you two even look alike," the Camp Director said.)

Elias and I talked more about the sports camp on the car ride over and instead of the resistance I anticipated he said, "Is the camp only one summer?"

"No, it happens every summer. So if you like it, you can go again next summer."

"I want to go again next summer too."

(I hope he feels this way at the end of the week.)

"Good, I think you're going to like it. When you're bigger you can even sleep over in the dorms.

"I want to do that when I'm bigger!"

And he will keep getting bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Traveling his own rocket ship of development to a place I can't go, just as I can't go to camp with him. Not as his Mommy. And I'm torn between wanting to celebrate and wanting to cry. Wanting to close the door behind him and do a jig fueled by relief and fear and grief and joy all mixed up together in a lump in my throat.

That's my boy. Walking out the door.

Comments

[danielle in zurich]

Oh, Lord, that is just lovely. This week may be just what the two of you need.Enjoy your week!!! And may Elias THRIVE.

[elizabeth]

a lump is right. can't wait to see you guys soon. xo

[Carey]

I love this story and I hope to hear more about Elias's summer cammp experience(s). Im so proud of him (and you guys) even though I don't know him. Oh and Olive peeing while a family ate thier lunches...AWESOME just AWESOME.

[Kate]

can't wait to hear about camp! Yea!!! Hope he loves it!!

[Christy]

Elias comes home exhausted and I get a lot of "I don't know" answer to my questions. But I have heard a lot about the red van he got to ride in and he has gone swimming every day and rode his bike and wakes up in the morning excited to return. So I'd call it a success. Now if only Olive would nap...