A Star in My Pocket

Elias and I sit side by side in the sun. A large cloud looms.

"Lean back and close your eyes," I tell Elias. "Enjoy the sun while we have it."

Elias squints up at the sky. "Where's the cloud?"

"Oh, its a comin'."

 

It's 5:00 pm. on Saturday and I'm sitting for the first time. We spent the morning at the Cuddy Family Midtown Park, the site of our future fully-accessible playground. The first one of its kind in Anchorage.

A group of volunteers, lots of parents and small kids, dug up over 100 bushes and relocated them to other garden beds so the big trucks won't run them over next spring.

The money has been raised (thank you, thank you, to those who helped)-- and in the summer of 2013 we'll finally have a place where everyone can play, regardless of ability.

I think of all the wounded warriors coming home in wheelchairs, the elders with walkers, and a quirky legally blind boy who walks with the help of canes...

 

Elias plays with my hand. "Go away cloud!!"

"Its a big one...oh shoot."

"Oh shoot what?"

"Oh, I just spilled my beer." I pick up my Moose Drool bottle from the ground and save half of it.

"Don't worry," Elias says, "It will just soak into the grass."

I can't help but smile. My un-empathetic son is trying to comfort me. And sure my "oh shoot" is more about half a bottle less of beer to drink than about the mess at my feet, but his response feels like a star in my pocket. A secret source of light to combat the doom.

"Thanks Elias. That makes me feel better." I smile at him before turning my face back towards the sun. "Here comes the cloud..."

"Where?"

"Just wait you'll see. You'll feel it." And just like that we are in a different season.

"Its darker."

"Yep. And brrr... I need my sweatshirt now. Do you want me to get yours?"

"Yes, that would be great." 

Whoa! An immediate response and more than just "yep" or "yeah." "Yes, that would be great." Yes, it would.

I come back out of the house with two hoodies, one big one small, and the end of a bag of cheese crackers. "Look Elias, its blue sky above us but a big cloud blocking the sun."

"I see the sun," Elias points in the opposite direction.

"Where?"

"Right there!"

"I see blue sky and birds but the sun, my friend, is behind that big cloud."

Elias kicks his feet and chomps on the crackers. "Mom, mom," he says between bites.

"Yes?"

"Would you want to be a bird?"

"I would. Would you?"

"Yep."

"What would you do if you were a bird?"

"I'd fly up above that cloud."

I put my hand on his head. "That's a great idea. I'd like to do that with you."

Elias holds the bag of crackers, mostly crumbs now, towards my face, an annoying habit he has when he is finished with something and expects me to take care of his waste. "Are you telling me you're done?"

"No, I thought we could share."

And I could sit here like this with you forever. Just like this. Forever.

"Thanks Elias. That's really thoughtful of you." I take a handful of salty orange crumbs. "Look up Bud."

"What?"

"Can you see how the edge of the cloud is all lit up? How its brighter than the rest of it?"

"Yeah."

"That means the sun is coming out again."

"Go away sun!" Elias practically shouts. He laughs. "I'm rooting for the clouds now."

"No! You can't root for the clouds."

"Yeah! I am! I'm rooting for the clouds!" Elias loves rooting for the opposite team whenever we watch sports, so his contrarian stance doesn't really surprise me. With a sun-loving mom, of course he would cheer for the clouds. Just to make me protest. Just so he can laugh and say it again.

"I'm rooting for the clouds!"

"Well, you're winning then. Cuz here comes another big one.

"Where?"

"Oh its coming, just you wait, and its a big one." I take his hand in mine. "But man does that sun feel good."

Comments

[danielle in zurich]

You know what I was thinking? That growth is hard. I know with my own three (n/t) kids that sometimes they are at their absolute crabbiest, worst and meanest before they make some kind of leap forward. Maybe the same thing is going on here?
In any case, I am very happy to have read this. May the sun shine from within, often, and very bright.

[Louise]

thank you for sharing this magical conversation. I'm rooting for all of you!

[fleming]

I hope you read this post again everytime Elias squeezes your face or uses his canes inappropriately. His kindness and empathy are in there somewhere....maybe just behind the clouds.

[Niksmom]

Oh.My throat is tight with trying to hold back tears. This is so exquisite, so glorious. I'm kvelling for you, for Elias. Hugs.

[Kimberly]

This put some sun in my day!

[Linda]

What a wonderful post. I'm not sure how I found your blog, and I don't think I have posted before, but I read your entire blog backwards when I did find it. I am raising a neuro typical almost 7 year old and found a lot of wisdom and familiarity in your posts.
I laughed when you said Elias handed you what you thought was his garbage. I recently started telling my son that I save all his garbage for posterity, so what he gave me today would go in his 6 year old garbage. He gets the joke. So now when he gives me some, I thank him for saving it. Hopefully he will get the message soon and discard it himself!
Glad you had a good day.

[Shelley]

Kinda hard not to root for the clouds when Elias is on that team! What a fantastic conversation! Aren't kids cool?

[Lisa Y]

When I send notes home about speech sessions with my students, I try to include anything I think their parents might smile to read, especially when those moments seem harder to find. Now, thanks to you, I will think of them as stars for their pockets. And mine too!

[Kate]

So glad to read this. Beautiful capturing of this moment. Felt like I was there. Hold onto it!!!

[Sally]

Beautiful writing! Have you ever submitted your writing to The Sun? Are you familiar with that literary journal? I think you might like it. You style and tone would fit in. Thanks for your honesty and passion and for looking at the hard things as well as the light!

sc

[Christy]

Gosh, reading all your comments now, for a second time, I'm so honored by your responses. Thank you.

Sally, I read The Sun regularly, have for years, and I have submitted two essays to them which were not accepted but it is a goal of mine to be published in there someday. I just need to take the time and I need to remember that each rejection is not a final judgement on my ability to write.

Lisa, I love that you send home notes about your speech sessions. One of the benefits of working at Elias's school is when teachers tell me things he did or said. Well, the positive moments at least:)

Linda, thanks for writing for the first time and for letting me know you went back and read all my old posts. I also have a dream of turning this blog into a book someday so hearing that helps with my motivation. Ah, but then there's the whole time thing again...
And I'm glad I told have the only child who thinks his parent is his own personal trash can.

And Danielle, I like your theory and hope its true, that we will see more sunshine and less clouds as he grows into this next stage.

And yes, i will try to remember this moment and all your comments the next time he tries to hit me with his canes...

[Jenna]

Hi Elias

My name is Jenna. You are a brave courageous fighter. you are a special miracle from god, a gift from above, earthly angel,and you are a smilen hero. You are full of happiness, life, smiles, joy, fun,love, and spunk.

That's awesome about the playground built for all abilities. It awesome what your family is dooing. I bet it will look really cool and it will be very fun when it is built.
http://www.miraclechamp.webs.com

I was born with a rare life threatening disease, and have 14 other medical conditions, and developmental delays.

I wrote this poem

Each of us are Special

Each of us different,

No one is the same

Each of are us are unique in our own way,

Those of us who have challenges, we smile through our day.

Those who of us who have challenges, we smile through our day.

It doesn't matter what others say

we are special anyway.

What is forty feet and sings? the school chior
http://www.miraclechamp.webs.com

[Carolyn S]

Wonderful story. Will keep some of your thoughts in my pockets.

xoxo