Beyond Sibling Rivalry

I knew it was only a matter of time.

On Friday the school nurse interrupted my meeting with a student. "I'm sorry, but Elias needs you in the gym. He's having a hard time and I couldn't get him to leave with me."

She stays with the girl in my office and I walk across the hall to our small gym.

All the kids sit in the middle except Elias who is off on the side, eyes red and puffy, and that familiar defiant look on his face that till now has been reserved for home.

"No!" he cries when I tell him to walk out to the hall with me. His rag-doll body falling to the floor.

"I'm his Mom," I tell the new Adaptive P.E. teacher who stands next to us wide-eyed. The regular PE teacher stands with the regular kids in the middle of the room. Everyone watches us.

"Come on Bud, you're not in trouble, we are just gonna go for a walk." Somehow he follows my words to the hall. The Adaptive PE teacher walks out with us.

"He did fine during his warm-ups but I think they just had to sit too long."

When the kids get too rowdy in gym, the main PE teacher often makes them sit for lengthy periods, and Elias is not a boy who can go from wild rumpus to stillness just like that.

I still don't know exactly what happened before I got there. The PE teacher told me Elias was "body surfing" and "going after kids" and that he gave him three warnings and then kicked him out. I didn't get a chance to talk more with the adaptive PE teacher because as soon as I knew Elias was calm and safe, and removed from the chaos, I needed to put my counselor hat back on and return to my office.

When I went home for lunch that afternoon, I wanted to crawl underneath my covers and never look back.

But instead I ate smoked salmon and cream cheese on crackers, a plum and a mandarin orange, and returned to school. I decided I wouldn't pull any kids that afternoon, feeling too emotional myself, and instead would create lesson plans for the next week and organize my office.

Of course as a school counselor, your schedule is never your own. And instead my afternoon involved trauma, neglect, more tears, and the Office of Children Services.

By the time I walked into my house to see Olive for the first time in four days, I could have smothered her with my hug. She seemed older and more precious all at once.

We walked hand in hand back to school to pick Elias up from Camp Fire, the after-school program he loves. We walked up the steps to the classroom behind the stage.  He saw us coming, only to look back down at his game of Jr Blokus without saying Hi.

"Yias!" Olive said. "Yias!!"

"Elias can you look at your sister and say hi?"

"Hi Olive." Elias turned his head back to his plastic blocks.

When I finally pried him from his game and we got outside to our waiting dog, Olive skipped behind her brother repeating his name like an anthem.

As I unhitched Tonz, I looked up just in time to see Elias walk over his sister, plowing her onto the sidewalk.

And that my friends, was our happy sibling homecoming.

Since then Elias has kicked Olive, stepped on her, squeezed her arm and face, and pushed his sister down our cement steps.

And I know this kind of thing happens between siblings-- but in our household, I am surprised when it doesn't happen. I can't take a shower without worrying that my son will seriously harm my daughter. Can't walk out of the room unless they are watching a show. And even then you never know.

Our school nurse told me about a family that stayed in two adjacent apartments and the parents switched off between the kids because the older brother was such a danger to his younger sibling. We are not quite there-- not yet--but oh do I empathize with this family.

When Elias bowled over his sister on their first afternoon back together, she bawled the whole way home. She wasn't physically hurt but, man, was she sad. And I was a bit of a wreck myself, under the weight of her sorrow that mirrors my own but will materialize in a manner only she will know.

Her brother will never be like a typical older brother. One who is just as likely to protect her as he is to ridicule her. I'm a younger sister myself and yes, my brother Andrew and I did not always get along but we got along. As kids we hung our white flags as often as we bombarded each other with insults. And as we grew, it was Andrew who I turned to when I needed someone to understand my heartache.

And yes, I know Elias is not stagnant and he won't always be the little shit he was tonight stiff-arming his sister down the cement steps when she tried to follow him home. Evolution is possible. 

Or so I have to believe.

But tonight, this family of mine feels so damn hard. Tonight it feels like Nick has been gone a month not a week.

Tonight, I want to be little Christy again, chasing my big brother down the hall. I'll take a million pillows to the head; he can say, "What are you gonna do, cry?"

And maybe I will, in fact, I'm sure I will, but that all seems so much simpler than here.

 

Comments

[A Powers]

I am in exactly the same boat. Reed is 6 and beats up on Claire 2 all day long. Thank goodness for school days. i know however that they will be great friends when they are older. Recently I started a rules of respect wall and a way of taking away priveledges from Reed when he misbehaves. It is working great. let me know if you want tips! Good luck...And I Totally get it. PS. Tears are allowed because kids will push you to the edge of insanity:)

[Sarah Lynn]

Since I know nothing helpful to say, will you accept an imaginary hug? It is true--nothing is static.

[elizabeth]

How you manage to write about the hard parts so beautifully is a true gift. Sending BIG hugs. xo

[fleming]

I feel like that a lot too Christy....wanting to be the kid again with someone taking care of you. Any chance your parents are making a visit anytime soon? Just being around my parents takes the pressure off somehow. I was also thinking that you are coming at this from the perspective of YOUR sibling relationship and that Olive will always look at things differently. She will feel and completely understand when Elias makes small gestures to her as they grow up. Things you and Nick won't even think are kindnesses will be perceived by her. Does that make any sense? Olive's scale is adjusted but she will know when he is really being mean or just not connecting with her. She may be super sad now but with experience she will learn to read her big brother better just as he is learning to read you. Hang in there and maybe getting a sitter for a few hours so you can do something for yourself. xo.

[Tabatha]

Do you think that Elias has been especially hard on Olive because he was sorry his time alone with you was over? I'm really sorry that you are navigating these tough waters. I wonder what would make Elias less angry? We have some relaxation cds for kids -- do you suppose he would like to listen to that sort of thing?

[Melissa]

Christy,
I feel for you and appreciate your vivid description and all of the complexity of life with Elias and Olive. When my Elias was 2, I wrote in my journal that I feared for Adelaide's life. Now we know he has sensory issues, and he would push and squueze too damn hard. And, it's hard as an adult in the moment to remain an adult. You are so gifted, Christy, and so wise. Hang in there. Wilx

[danielle in zurich]

I am with Tabatha---the reunion you were hoping for was the end of something beautiful for Elias--having his mama just for himself! It makes sense that he was particularly rough. Having said that, it is so darn hard when the people we love don't love the people we love. So sorry.
Have you tried rewards? As in something teeny and concrete for every ten or twenty or thirty minutes they spend together peacefully? I did this in the car once. I was kind of ashamed of myself for using gummy bears but oh, man, it WORKED. We had an awesome ride.
With Elias maybe having a timer set at 3 ten minute intervals for a
a half hour? And explaining that if Olive didn't have cause to cry/complain for three rings of the timer he would be rewarded? Is that a crazy idea?
Sigh. I really just hope you have a relaxing evening....

[Christy]

You know I knew Friday night would be hard. Both kids had been the center of attention and I expected a not so sweet reunion. But it still broke my heart. I think the fact that the school day was rough didn't help my peace of mind.

I do think rewards or a chart or something could help. I bought a bunch of marbles way back to fill a jar every time i caught Elias being nice to his sister but I have yet to start it. Oh if all my intentions actually materialized this would be one ship-shape home:)

And Flem, thank you for making the point about me viewing their relationship through my lens. I hadn't thought about it like that and you are right. Elias is Olive's norm. So she will read him better than most and be able to perceive his small acts of kindness. With your words in mind I noticed tonight that she was repeating his comments when he was playing on his Ipad as a way to engage with him and it worked, he looked at her and responded.

And Tabatha I'm willing to try anything. I think Elias's burst are more about frustration than pure anger, though I know these emotions are connected. He just goes from a scale of 1 to 10 like that. From cool to hot. And boy is it exhausting.

Tonight was rough again but they are both asleep now and Nick is on his way home tonight. So yes, I will get some me time soon:)

Thanks all for caring!

[Rooster's Mom]

Oh, I have felt such similar things, this strikes a chord so intensely for me.

For us, ABA in home therapy helped the most. I know it might not be an option or the same for you, but I want you to know you will find the thing that works for your family. I know people who swear by the Nurtured Heart approach...

It's all a journey, and I believe in you guys. And I am sorry you had such a rough day. I sure hope tomorrow is brighter.

[danielle in zurich]

Marbles are a good idea, but they have the disadvantage of being a) easy to swallow b) throw and c) not immediately gratifying unless the kid happens to love marbles. (I am assuming you mean a system where he accumulates marbles and gets something in return for a jarful.). That kind of system also requires intense followthrough from you (and therefore time and planning.) If you pass out something sweet (I know, I know, my kids eat tons of carrots and apples and everything else but sometimes....) maybe something sweet from a health food store, the gratification is immediate and your part is DONE, no follow through required. Just sayin'. You would have to frame it carefully: as in, this applies to unsupervised time (or something) so he doesn't ALWAYS expect a treat...every ten minutes for the next five years. It's hard. Hang in there.

[s.e.]

christy,
i'm sorry you are having such a rough time. One of the problems is that "bad" or dangerous behavior results in having the parent's complete attention right away which is harder to do with "good" behavior. I personally don't feel that rewards or charts work very well for special needs kids because it isn't simple sibling interactions etc. If he is feeling frustration and taking it out on Olive, then rewards won't solve the fact that he is brimming with frustration and that has to come out somewhere. My daughter used to have a ton of tantrums and still occasionally does (she is 15). Elias has to understand why you don't want him to behave that way and how to behave in the way you want or even with rewards it won't stick. And you don't want to reinforce resentment because he is going to resent Olive for all the she wil be able to do and he can't. It may sound weird to say it but even without any special needs in the mix, there is always patches of time when kids can't be left alone and when taking a shower while the kids aren't asleep just isn't something that happens.
Hang in there.

[Christy]

Thanks Roosters' Mom, for letting me know you understand. I'll look more into ABA and the Nurtured Heart.

Danielle, Nick is with you with the marbles and their dangers plus you have a good point about the follow through--I've had marble for months now and haven't started a system:)

And S.E. you make a great point. The last thing I want his for him to resent Olive even more b/c she can work the system better than he can. Oy parenthood is hard and yes, maybe there will just be times when a shower isn't in the cards.