Laundry List

Do you all feel like the world is somehow spinning faster and you just can't hold onto it all?

That your "To Do" list never shrinks even though you rarely rest? Do you lie awake at night thinking about all the loose ends you never seem to tie despite spending hours on your knees? On your feet? At a desk? In a kitchen? Bending over to pick up matchbox cars, magazines, blocks, dog hair, paper scraps, and the odd shoe in the middle of the bathroom floor? Do you need not just more hours in a day but more arms and ears and eyes? A clone or two?

I'm a bit of a mess but I think most of us are.

Something about this time of ours. We hold all these electronic devices to supposedly simplify our lives but instead we feel frayed--says the lady with the laptop at the kitchen table too late at night.

But its more than that.

Its the expactations to raise children who have been exposed to everything from sign language to soccer to science fairs. While also working outside of the home. And finding time to train for marathons, volunteer in soup kitchens, and write the next great american novel.

But its even more.

Its polar ice caps melting, terrorism, oil shortages, recessions, wind storms, droughts, domestic violence, floods, poverty, and a political divide seemingly deeper than the Grand Canyon.

(Are we really that opposed?)

Even in this special world of disabilities and impairments, that can at times feel removed from the modern race to the top (of what?) there is the never-ending list of appointments and therapies and research and adjustments and "what if" questions that can make a Mama meltdown. I just keep adding to my list for Elias. And crossing nothing off.

But I know as overwhelming as my particular parenting road may be, my friends with typical children are no less harried. I know they too stay up at night with their worries and phantoms.

I spoke on the phone with one of my life-long friends the other day and she said something like: Sometimes I just want to move to a small town in the midwest and start over with a simple life. When did my life get so complicated?

I get it.

And yes, I know I have friends and readers in small towns in the midwest saying: Hey, I'm just as overloaded here.  And I believe you. I'm in Alaska afterall. Buts its that idea of a simple life that we crave. From a different time, perhaps. Or a fabricated world that never existed except in old black and white television shows.

I don't know.

I know I ran into another dear friend in Costco last weekend, one who I admire for her seemingly simplified lifestyle. No TV. Or wheat. She's not even on Facebook. And yet the moment after we hugged she shared how stressed she feels by her family's schedule. She too looked fried. And she even practices yoga.

WTF?

I'm tired.

And I'm tired of feeling tired.

"I just want to run away with you." I texted Nick during a break at work.

"Me too but we are too responsible for that."

And that too is the problem. I feel responsible not just for my family but for the baby on the news who was abducted from the Anchorage Native Hospital, for the countless families affected by extreme weather events, and the too-young soldiers dying in Afghanistan.

The world may not be spinning faster but it's expanding. And shrinking. Lightyears of information just a click away.

But knowing little about lots does nothing for my soul. I can't wrap my mind around it all.

And besides, there's dirty dishes on the counter and clean laundry to fold.

Comments

[danielle in zurich]

I feel for you, and I also know what you mean. I think, though, that even though you try to include all us n/t parents in your post, there are certain stresses that come along with being Elias's mom--not necessarily b/c of who Elias is but because all you want to do for him. But - You are doing PLENTY. I really believe that. And I really wonder, sometimes, if the simple life is not exactly what someone for whom life is complicated to navigate (particularly complicated? Am I allowed to say that about your sweet boy?) needs as much as anything else. Down time. Walks in the woods. Learning to share in front of a TV show or two. This too is therapy--and growth--and all that good stuff--the natural way!
I also definitely get the feeling that living in Switzerland makes me less susceptible to all this --and this is despite living in Switzerland's biggest city! My kids each play an instrument and have a lesson a week--aside from that they play outside, ride their bikes, visit my dad. I used to do more (to be precise, tow more activities a week, on two separate days) and this year I cancelled both and it has made a tremendous difference. Cut back and do not beat yourself up.
Hug.

[fleming]

Perfect timing on your post as usual....I got a $250 speeding ticket for going 30mph in a 20mph school zone though it was an hour before school started and not a single parent or child was outside..AND my license expired last week on my birthday so you can imagine how understanding the cop was. I came home feeling frustrated and broke and wishing that I hadn't gotten out of bed this morning. This is the part you won't believe. As I tried to brush away my coffee breath, a double rainbow formed outside my window. I know it was because of the light rain and rising sun but maybe it was a sign. I stood there for a few minutes breathing in and breathing out and am working hard again at trying to take it one step at a time. I am not looking too far down my list (though I did just return from the DMV to renew my license!). Breathe, take a night out with Nick and don't talk about anything that needs "doing". I will try to do the same. I wish you had seen the rainbows too this morning.

[Erin]

Oh, you really do get it. This theme has been running through my mind more than usual lately. Motherhood (womanhood/adulthood, too) certainly is stressful, though I wonder if I use it as an escape from the stresses of the world sometimes. I used to be so interested in and well-read about world events and politics. Sure there's not enough time to keep up, but maybe I don't want to anymore. It hurts to worry so much about families being bombed out of their homes, children being taken, nuclear weapons being readied... Focusing on my little family bubble seems easier most days.

On a lighter note, I daydream of running away with my husband all the time!

[John]

Favorite poet once wrote:

"A lifetime isn't long enough for the beauty of this world and the responsibilities of your life."

Your post reminds me that she is right... thanks.

[valerie]

Right on! you put into words thoughts that have been in my head for years...valerie

[Kimberly]

I love how you can just spill out my heart and thoughts. You provide healing in voicing these issues.

[Mary]

Oh, this has so been on my mind, the complexity of schedules, the overwhelming decision making of modern grocery shopping (free-range? organic? sustainable? local? affordable?). The overarching anxiety of daily news over which you may feel powerless.
There are days I think of the old manic instructors in Jane Fonda style aerobics--you'd join the class, bumble along, think . . okay, I can do this. And then suddenly the instructor grinned a frightening grin and said. . "okay, now double-time!". Yep, that's how life feels at the moment. I do know how to do all this, I do. But this fast?!!!

[Greta]

Wow, like Fleming said, perfect timing. When my kids were babies, I always thought it would get easier when they were a bit more independent, but of course, it only gets more complicated. I want to run away, too. But we can't. And I live in a mountain town that most see as simplistic. You can't escape, except for in fleeting moments. But I guess we are living for those special moments that pull us through. Those spontaneous rainbows- Fleming- I saw the most beautiful one just last week, one that absolutely took my breath away. My daughters were scheming about how and where to find the pot of gold. Those favorite songs that play when you NEED to hear them. Those glimpses of your sleeping children, despite the chaos in your world and our world. There is a Norman Rockwell painting of a father standing at the edge of his child's bed at night, gazing peacefully and wearily at this sweet child sleeping, while holding a newspaper with headlines of war. It was in his time too, the nostalgic Americana time that Rockwell captures so effectively and beautifully. I guess it has always been this way. We're just grown up now.

[Dayna]

We all experience the days where we just want to go away or hide. Mine was last Saturday. It had been a trying day in my house. Nena had an hour long tantrum the night before. My husband was in a bad mood and I couldn't take any more of my child constantly needing to be in my lap. I went downstairs by myself for a while and watched mindless tv. A few mornings later I over hear nena on the main floor singing to herself. "My mommy loves me, my daddy loves me, my mommy and daddy love me." brought a smile to my face. It really is the little things that make up for so much of the frustrations. (Typing on my phone, my apologies for spell check/grammar)

[paula]

Thank you for addressing an issue that is everywhere. My children are all grown, they should be able to do their thing and yet they can't. It gets harder......I feel overwhelmed 90% of the time. And I know I shouldn't. So, it's on days like that I feel like I'm about ready to implode. I remind myself....one day at a time and no more.

[Christy]

So it doesn't help that I have my third head cold of the school year, and my body is covered in hives that I've been getting ever since school started and I still can't run or play soccer due to heel pain but hearing from all of you makes me know I'm not alone. I planned on writing another post tonight but I think my bed is calling. I love love love all your voices, thank you!

[Ginny]

Right here with you, feeling just the same. And so, so tired.