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07/03/2016

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Sigh,big sigh...so very complicated and friggin' hard.

Beautifully shared. So hard. Sending hugs and thoughts. Hope it's one of these touch points that precedes big growth.

Oh my goodness.

But wow are you guys a good team.

I agree with Sara, you guys are a good team!

Dear Christy, holding you in my thoughts...and thinking of how tough puberty is. I am going to say something now that I really hope you will take in the right spirit because I have had to learn this the hard way myself. When you say 'you don't really want to hurt me' you are probably wrong. He does. All our kids want to hurt us sometimes. If, after they have admitted something huge that on some level they worry will keep us from loving them, we tell them that is NOT how they feel,then we are implying that such a wish cannot even be verbalised, it is too monstrous, and by extension they are not normal. Telling him instead 'I know you want to hurt me but it is not allowed' acknowledges the depth if momentary rage, but gives him YOUR limit. Or 'You wish you could hurt me but that's just not allowed.' I totally know how awful you felt and I am just posting alternatives that, dammit, are awfully hard to come up with in the moment! Big hug.

Yes, Toni and Sara, Nick and I are most definitely a solid team and though I know I am strong enough to survive without him i hope I never have to try.

And Danielle, THANK YOU, i love what you wrote and I will try this next time, bc as much as i don't want there to be I know there will be a next time, and yes, he does want to hurt me in that moment, you are so right, bc I have also learned that when he gets my fire going I want to hurt him, I don't bc I know the limits, but he doesn't know the limits, not yet, so this is so helpful and so needed, thank you. Plus, I am working on an essay about some of his rages and my own response and monstrosity verse human nature is a theme of the essay so your words couldn't have been more perfect.

And Kate, I'm hoping for growth too, thanks for the kind words of support.

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