No Map Will Tell

We sit next to Elias on the couch and tell him, "Elias, we have sad news to share."

His new Respite Provider, a 50-something-year-old woman named Kim, with light in her eyes and an abundance of creative compassion to share, died in her sleep last week.

Kim was scheduled to spend time with Elias on Saturday and she never woke up on Friday. Nick received the call from Seaview and told me the news when I came off the mountain from a morning hike.

Kim Hughes was a well-loved community member with children and grandchildren in town. A pillar for advice, hugs, and a helping hand. Though new to our family, Elias fell for her instantly, as she seemed to "get him" sooner than most. She took Elias to our vocational college where he "helped" her facilitate a ceramics class, she planned to bring him to her house so he could pull the levers in a loader, after each visit she fully checked in with me about their activities and her ideas for next time.

There will be no next time.

"We have to tell Elias," Nick said on the phone, after the reality of what he was saying sunk in to my shocked brain. "I'm not sure how he will respond."

And here we sit, our boy between us on the couch. "Elias, we have sad news to share."

He doesn't look up, but his body grows still."What?"

"Kim passed away last night. She died in her sleep and won't be able to spend time with you anymore."

"Oh," he looks down at his hands. "When will Lyndsay be back?"

(Lyndsay worked with him this summer, before heading down to the lower 48 for school.)

When will Lyndsay be back?!!?

Thats it. Really? 

As if people were interchangeable pieces that could be swapped for each other, like the mechanical parts that make elevators rise. Just fill the gap. Replace the lost soul with another.

I need to believe there is more in that heart and head of is, more emotions than he is able to express. And yet he doesn't ask anymore questions or express any feelings of loss. He reaches for his iPad. Ready to lose himself in Google Maps or the weather report.

Is there a crying child somewhere stuck inside? 

As someone who wears her emotions on the outside, like beacons of light and shadow, my grief always on the surface, along with my joy, I find myself bewildered, often, by my boy.

Who is this young man who grew inside me for a too-short spell, who carries my X chromosome, drank my milk, clung to my hip, lives in our home, and yet reveals so little of his emotional world? Or rather, such a fragmented view, as excitement and frustration often seem readily available.

But is there more? I don't know. No map will lead us inside. No directions to follow to the source.

Just us. Stumbling along with criss-crossed lines and a longing, on my part at least, for a crisper fuller picture to share. 

As far as I know, this is my angst not his. Or is it?

Elias returns to a screen and searches for places he knows.

(Elias on the ice at Tern Lake)

I reach for Nick and hold my husband close, as familiar tears rise.

On this Friday, please love all those within reach and send your love to folks far away-- I will do the same, with love always to all of you.

 

Comments

[Kate]

So sorry to hear about this unexpected loss. I wonder if his mind went to Lyndsay because that was another person he cared about that went away so seems similar to this loss. I think there is an element of mystery to all our kids especially as they move into adolescence. All we can do is continue to seek that connection with them. Grateful to share in your journey. Happy Thanksgiving Christy to you and your family.

[Linda]

I'm sorry that your community has lost Kim, a dear and creative person. Elias may feel that loss and respond to it in his own way, in his own time. I wish him well - and you, and Nick, and Olive.

[Christy]

Kate, its taken me a while to respond but your words were so helpful and I repeated your theory to Nick and some other close friends when we discussed the situation so THANK YOU for writing. I like to think that he made the leap to Lyndsay because she too represented a loss.

Linda, thank you as always for your love and support!