Am I the only one who waivers between feeling overly fortunate and completely fucked?
I swear one moment I am loving this unplanned family time, unstructured hours at home that include everything from making green tomato salsa with Nick, to clearing brush for trails with Elias, to washing dishes alongside Olive as we warn each other of "sharks" for every knife, to family games of Sorry without tears.
The next moment I am lying in bed unable to move, overwhelmed with worry about the upcoming election, our current political divide due to a lack of civility, the climate changing, Elias catching Covid and ending up back on a respirator like the way he started this life, covered in more tubes and wires than a Mama can count.
(I find myself mentally preparing for my son to die-- as I have ever since he was born four months premature and I heard: "He's alive but I can't tell you he will survive." And then I berate myself for imagining this outcome, worried that if the unbearable ever becomes real, it will be my fault because I thought it first.)
And then I'm on a walk with my dog Lola, noticing the various shapes, sizes, and colors of mushrooms that spring out of sea green moss. I step softly, in awe of all the unknown wonders of this world. I lift my gaze from the ground to the sky, to the canopy of trees overhead, as I fill my lungs with the crisp clean Alaskan air, and I feel so grateful to be alive.
Here.
Now.
And then I'm sneaking chocolate chips from the pantry to fill an inconsolable need, a jagged hole deep inside that ripped open as I turned from girl to prey, the scar that throbs with every story I read of women treated poorly, I grab handfuls of chocolate as if sugar were the elixir for human sanity, the golden pill to make everything alright.
And then I'm watching the sunlight on Resurrection Bay, aware of the breath in my body, feeling so lucky to live here in this quirky but kind community of Seward, with Mt Alice as a steady reminder to reach for the sky and the beaches to remind me that stones and glass grow softer with time.
And then I'm doom scrolling through all my various newsfeeds, fully aware that I'm sinking into the dreaded social media pit, belittling myself for falling, but unable to stop reading headlines and posts and scraps of information that only make me feel worse.
And then I watch the moon rise, and am reminded of all the various life cycles from the tulip blubs I plant in the Fall as a tangible hope for Spring, to the change of seasons from lush greens to snow covered landscapes, to the water that flows from glaciers to creeks to bays and I feel such an overwhelming sense of peace.
And then I ball up my paper unable to put my thoughts into words, I snap at my children and practice passive aggressive communication with those I love most as I peel all my nails and pour myself an extra mug of Pinot Noir from a box.
(Where did I hide that dark chocolate bar?)
And then I join a small group of adults to play a game of pick up soccer and despite our ethnic, age, gender (and most likely political) differences we quickly merge from strangers to friends, or I engage in conversations with fellow colleagues that travel beyond work amidst a pandemic to personal stories of grief and promise, or I text with three old high school buddies reminiscing about the past while connecting in the present, and a slight breeze of hope tickles the back of my neck, relaxing my shoulders from the weight they hold.
And then I...
Anyone else feel like they are standing on both sides of this seesaw of angst and tranquility?
Every. Damn. Day. I love you friend.
Posted by: Jena | 10/22/2020 at 10:22 PM
You had me at feeling overly fortunate and completely fucked?
I would think something was wrong with you if you didn’t teeter. Just holler, I can sit opposite on the seesaw and let you dangle your legs for a bit my friend.
Posted by: Sarah Spanos | 10/23/2020 at 06:47 AM
All the time.
We are going to do the paperwork to have our Robbie placed under our guardianship for his lifetime or until we decide he can handle it and I know he doesn't know any different but I failed him somehow because I can't find the answer... and then I see him smiling and life is good again.
I watch part of the news and want to cry.
I sit with him and teach him his virtual schooling and talk with his teacher and I want to scream.
hard.
I snooze another relative or friend or acquaintance on FB bc they do not fact check ever and why can't they see what I see so clearly? then my daughter talks to me about voting and I rejoice that she finally registered to vote and best of all, she understands my fears and together we may not save the world but we will vote and do what we can, when we can, always. so there is hope for the future.
and now I am sad again... this is life.
Posted by: TRACY CARDENAS | 10/23/2020 at 12:10 PM
If you are referencing the chain with Hannah, Eric and Jess ... it is bringing her a fair share of joy as well ... cheers,
Brian
Posted by: brian shactman | 10/23/2020 at 05:27 PM
Yes. You express it so beautifully. And the tranquility comes from being outdoors, and I yearn to linger there and never go back inside.
Posted by: Greta | 10/23/2020 at 06:11 PM
Right there with you. Thank you for capturing what I’m feeling right now. Beautiful pictures and prose as always. I love knowing I can come here for solace. Thanks for still reaching out with openness and honesty during a time when it is in short supply. Love to you and yours.
Posted by: Kate | 10/24/2020 at 03:44 AM
So much love to all of you. It helps to know I am not the only one who waivers back and forth not just within a week but within the span of minutes. There is so much that is hard right now. And there is so much beauty always. If only I could cling to those moments in nature that bring me peace a bit longer. Love, love, love you all....and yes, Brian that is the chain that is bringing me light as well:)
Posted by: Christy | 10/27/2020 at 08:18 AM
The first line of this says it all. It is 100% the gospel truth.
I thought about what has been helping me through some of this anxiety and thought I would share---because it is free and because it changed my life.
Have you every heard of EFT? or Tapping as it is often called?
Check out Brad Yates on You Tube or The Tapping Solution. The 3 siblings who started it all are so wonderful and have helped SO many people (they live in Sandy Hook and have helped people all around the world with anxiety). I tap every single day, sometimes more than once a day and for sure now whenever I am feeling anxious. The Tapping Solution app has tons of free sessions so you don't have to buy it (they did very graciously offer the whole program for free to teachers and essential workers last spring and it saved me as a teacher teaching from home).
I hope you don't mind me sharing. I share it with love and great compassion for you. These are hard times for all.
Julie
Posted by: Julie A | 10/27/2020 at 04:27 PM